Losing hope of ever feeling ‘normal’

[Ripley7]

Hello to everyone - I’ve been reading posts here and there for some time. Sometimes that helps as a reminder that I’m not truly alone in my struggle to overcome/manage the hell inside my head. My heart is with you all in your struggles even if I rarely respond. I don’t know how to offer advice - I can’t even fix myself.

I’m not good at all in talking about my struggle with depression and anxiety. Since I was a kid I’d learned to keep it to myself. But no medications have worked and I’m recently getting worse. At the insistence of my physician I’m to see a psychiatrist in a couple of days and I’m scared I’ll just clam up-not intentional - just because I don’t know what to say or where to start. I feel like I sound like I’m just complaining about life. Kind of how I’ve grown up hearing I guess- who knows.

I’m really scared to tell them that I’ve gotten even worse in self harming which started back up when my grandfather died in June —at the same time my kids who are the only reason I live went to their dad’s for the summer.

I’ve pretty much mutilated my wrist starting with knives then razers, it started as a large cross a few inches in height and width—maybe because I was trying to keep believing there is a god out there who cares. But I hate myself worse now because I think I may have even even lost my faith that there is a god. How can I even think that?? It’s like I have a huge hole inside me -an emptiness. So I carved the cross into a sort of compass pointing north. Then I just kept carving over the same injury over and over and over. The scarring got too difficult to cut over so I cut an eternity sign next to it. All this time I just hide it under a lot of bracelets and decorative hair bands.

Then somehow I obsessed all day at work that I should burn the injury. My god I don’t even know how or why that stupid crazy thought was running through my stupid head. This isn’t like me. I’d bought a lighter prior to keep with me because I work on paracord bracelets (ways to cover the injuries) so after work I sit in my car and take out the lighter and do it. I was too scared to do more than singe my wrist a few times so the next day Im compelled to slowly poured scalding water over it. Then I did it again the next day. Why am I friggin punishing myself like this. I’m not a bad person so it’s not like there’s a reason to ‘punish’ myself. I guess it’s because I can’t handle the pain inside of me- the hopelessness so I cover that pain up with a physical pain. I don’t know.

But I’m so scared if I tell the psychiatrist I will lose my kids. My ex husband is a horrible controlling bully who would be more than happy to take them from me even though they hate going there to see him because he ignores them.

I feel so alone and I feel like I’m going crazy. I would never hurt anyone- it’s all directed on myself. I know there’s a risk I can accidentally go too far and end up dead. It would ruin my children - I have to stop for my children’s sake. I just don’t know how.

I’m sorry this is so long. I’m just kind of getting this off my chest to no one in particular. Thanks for reading. Again my heart is there with y’all in your struggles too. If y’all can hang in there than maybe I can too. xox

[EmbraceMyweirdness]

Don't worry if you clam up on your first session it happens to most of us, mine was really troubling cause my mind went completely blank, don't worry the words and feelings will come eventually. Don't be scared to tell them about the cutting remember it's a judgment free place they are here FOR YOU, and they're not allowed to discuss whatever you say with anyone else, patient's privacy is a big deal

[Ripley7 in reply to EmbraceMyweirdness]

Thank you- I sure hope so. I practically have visions of them slapping me in a straight jacket and hauling me off.

[o2G2o]

I really hesitate to write this because I don't want to be accused of trying to "turn you", in addition to the fact that we're supposed to avoid religious discussion here. I think it may benefit you based on some key things you wrote, so I'm going to go ahead.

The reason you might be confused about whether or not there's a god (and I feel this may be part of the reason you're punishing yourself, for your doubt) is that you're seeing evidence that life is not a meritocracy. That is vital. Were there a god and were the stories about god or gods true (I'm referring to all religions, not just Christianity) then we would absolutely live in a meritocracy. Good people have good lives, bad people have bad stuff happen to them, children are innocent and never die, etc. People of faith like to make up all kinds of reasons to explain that away, but it's silly. "God is testing us", "God needed that 2 year old in heaven (so he gave her that super painful disease and took her slowly?)". If you take a step back from it and think about any of it from a non-religious person's perspective it's absolutely ludicrous.

I don't mean to gloss over the other details of your post, it's just that I feel having tackled this one it seems a bit strange to address some of the others, even though obviously from my personal perspective they warrant more attention. You don't have to believe in god to be a good person. I'd argue, in fact, that by figuring out your own morals based on what you see and feel you'll actually be MORE morally just and a greater human being overall. ☺️

[Sun_flower16]

Hang in there. I hope you get the answers your looking for!

[Ripley7 in reply to Sun_flower16]

Thank you so much!

[Ripley7]

Oops - wasn’t really thinking when I mentioned the religion thing.

No worries about pushing my beliefs or anything like that. I’m wondering maybe I could be making myself feel worse by struggling over my beliefs when I should probably be addressing the more obvious issues such as the self harming thing. Maybe the whole faith thing will work itself out later on when I can get my head together. Guess I can’t have faith in much if I can’t start with myself first.

[Pamela2876]

I hear your pain and I am so sorry you are facing this! You mention God and I can assure you there is a God who cares for you. You don't have to face this alone. It is great that you are reaching out to speak with a professional, this is something you can't do alone. I found when dealing with my anxiety and depression it helped to reach out to a counselor, family friends and church. Your life is valuable I found this resource bit.ly/2mFxWoz if you have a few minutes check out the first video. Your life is valuable. Sending prayers to you my friend.

[Ripley7 in reply to Pamela2876]

Thank you so much - I will definitely check that out. I can use all the resources I can get. I’m sick and tired of my depression and anxiety constantly taking over my life.

[Pamela2876 in reply to Ripley7]

I hope this it is as helpful to you as it was for me. Your in my thoughts this week!