So very depressed

[butterfly2121]

So, here we go again. I am so sad about the holidays. I am lonely, angry, frustrated, sad. Most of it is my situation. I am mom to a high functioning autistic child. Don't get me wrong, I love her dearly. It is just a 24/7 job with no relief and no breaks. I feel like I am starting to resent her a little bit because all I can think about is how I will have to care for her for the rest of my life. My husband.....ah we have had problems for so long. We are a terrible parenting team. He caters to her every whim and holds her accountable for nothing. It has been so long since we have had a date night I cannot remember. Everything we do with the 3 of us. I have told him so many times I need to get out just him and I. Practically begging. Just for drinks and and appetizer. Or a movie. How I got to expect so little I have no idea. A weekend away just the two of us is a thing of the past. I have suggested marriage counseling so many times but he refuses. I have sent him articles from marriage.com to get him to understand how I feel. I am so bored with my life and cannot remember the last time I had fun. Today I just finally had it. We had a big argument and he pulled some of his gaslighting crap where he claims not to remember discussions we have had. Both said some awful things. For the first time I just could not apologize I always apologize. But he said some even more awful things than me. So I decided I needed a break. I have never ever done this but I am leaving the house for 2 days. We have no other family for Thanksgiving so it will just be him and my daughter home. I feel like a terrible mom but I know if I am home I won't be able to control my anger, so it's better I leave for a few days. I don't want my daughter exposed to the fighting. I would stay away even longer but I am taking my daughter out with some friends on Friday. She has so much limited social activity that I can't let her down in that area. The depression is on high alert. Say a prayer for me please to get out of this dark dark place. I just want to have a good belly laugh again, smile, feel like I am important to my husband. Have some fun instead of being a 24 hour caregiver. Today my husband asked me what I do all day. I don't know if I can forgive it. Thank you for letting me vent. Again, please say prayers or send positive vibes for me. I don't want to be in this place.

[Hidden]

I am so sorry you are dealing with all of this.

I wish you only the best and pray for you to find peace.

[butterfly2121 in reply to Hidden]

Me too, I really hope for peace. Thank you.

[Hidden]

Praying for you and your family that Jesus will comfort you and carry you through this trying time in your life. I hope this time away will soothe your soul, clear your mind and bring you peace. I'm here if you need to talk. Hugs and love.

[butterfly2121 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much Metti. Jesus will carry me, he always does. I am resting which is what I need.

[Marshall64]

Sorry to hear about your situation. My daughter's brother (I'm not the father) has aspergers. He is high functioning and the sweetest kid. Having said that, it is taxing on parents and caregivers who have autistic children.

Having a break is not only good for you (and your husband if he is willing), but for your child too. Parents need breaks. We need to recharge our batteries. We then become more patient and give better quality love and care.

I hope your situation improves and things with out for you.

[butterfly2121 in reply to Marshall64]

I know it. He has been in denial so long for our problems I don't know what to do. I fear divorce. I know I am beyond burnt out. Besides praying I don't know what else to do. Something has got to give.

[Mundial]

Have you tried social services for getting respite care for your daughter? I live in Washington state and we have great programs for supporting families with disabled children. I know this because I had respite care for my son. He passed away in 2006. He was a quadriplegic for 30 years and I cared for at home. I was very fortunate and was able to go to school and work while he was home with a loving aide. I feel for you... this situation is not healthy for any of you in your family. Please reach out and find the services you desperately need.

[butterfly2121 in reply to Mundial]

Texas is really a bad state for any services. I wish we could move away. They just cut ridiculous amounts of special needs funding. I wish my daughter and me could move away.

[Mundial in reply to butterfly2121]

Dear one,

I am so sorry. In the midst of my insecurities I used to dream of having my own place and peace and quiet. It didn’t come for years. Do you have any friends to talk to? Can you get out of the house? When my son had his accident in 1976. My grieving took a long time. I joined a group of mothers who were also grieving. That was a big help. You have a child with a disability’s and you really need to talk to others in the same boat. Your husband sounds like he is in denial. You may need to take the reigns in your own hands. Find a group and have your husband stay with your daughter. You do have tremendous emotional strengths. You just don’t know it yet. It’s deep within you. Stay strong and reach out for help. Thinking about you and your family.

I

[AngieBrooke]

I am so sorry for your circumstances. I just said a prayer for you. You deserve a break. I pray your husband comes to understand this. Love and hugs to you!

[KikiK]

There is a special place in heaven for mothers like you. You deserve so much than what you get. On the marriage side i feel u. I have 4 kids and most times feel like a single married parent coz i tend to all their daily needs while my husband just comes home spends 30min with them. I also feel like i cant remember the last time i had or even felt happy like really happy. But i do hope that 1 day our husbands will just wake up and realise that we give so much of ourselves for our kids. I always tell my husband that in 12 years in arguments i am water while his the fire and i always end up apologizing just to make things calm and peaceful at home. But when does that actually stop? When do we stop thinking about what others are feeling rather than tend to our needs and emotions? I feel that alot of women like you feel that they in a dark place coz everyday we tending to other peoples gardens rather than looking after our own emotional well being. And obviously i know you have to look after your child who needs you but i also know that once in awhile maybe we wouldnt be feeling the way we feel if we get the support and appreciation from our partners. I would like to say though that i truly hope that it gets better for you and for your marriage. Even though i am not a therapist and can barely take my own good advise sometimes or even the advise from others dont make Permanent decisions off ur temporary emotions right now. Take time realign urself and that is definitely gna take more than 2 days but sometimes we just need a time out. I truly hope that there is a light at the end of the dark tunnel.