depressed and feeling stuck

[Mommy101]

I am 68 years old. My story is long, but I will just give you what is going on now. For the last year and a half. My depression has been getting worse. I sleep more and mostly have bad dreams. I have my past coming to the surface and making me feel alone. My 36 unmarried childless daughter just preaches to me and says to get help, otherwise she does not want to have a mother daughter relationship. She knows some of my past, which started as a young person and being molested by my biological father and my mother, I found out later did have an idea but stayed in denial. So much has happened over the years and I feel stuck. When I knew my daughter was coming for a visit yesterday, I was so looking forward to see her and gave her a big hug. My husband and I and her had small talk and laughs for about 30 minutes before she started asking questions and making me feel worse. I said I just wanted her love and support, As my husband does. The tears just started running down and after 10 min. I said "I'm done" and walked out of the room. She left. I started bawling my eyes out and my husband just kept holing me. I don't want to out anymore. I just stay home

[WickNeo]

Dear Mommy101,

I hesitate to ask many questions, due to, what appears to me, your heightened and raw state of emotions and sensitivity to perceived criticism.

Oftentimes, our loved ones botch empathy and support because they are not trained to handle ptsd, anxiety, depression, adhd, grief, etc. They may resort to questioning/interrogating, staging an intervention/yelling at you, asking you to get help/withholding emotional support etc. out of frustration/fear.

My experience when I’m having a fight or flight response to PTSD is that I feel chased, harassed, threatened, paranoid or attacked. My perception is over sensitive since I’m overwhelmed emotionally. I can only speak of my experience because I’m not trained, I’m just 30 plus years past my laundry list of diagnoses.

Perhaps a family counselor could help you all get on the same page. Finding a mediator could help calm the waters and give direction to each of the parties involved. A general practitioner or nurse practitioner should be able to help with diagnosing your issues if you do not want to see a therapist. They may refer you to a social worker or psychologist who can give you a psychiatric evaluation to help determine what may best suit your mental health needs.

Your needs seem to be increasing. Professional help may work, staying home may not solve your issues, but taking things one step at a time might give you some relief. Therapy can be received at home via computer, but assessments usually require a visit to a clinic or community center.

I feel for you and you family right now as you appear to be in crisis. Perhaps speaking with your husband about positive steps to take might relieve some tension. Getting help for the first time is scary. Having help planning your mental health itinerary is less intimidating.

I hope my long winded response will give you some support and or ideas for possible directions. This life journey is long and hard it was a pleasure crossing paths with you and I wish you the best.

-Elizabeth

[jackiesj in reply to WickNeo]

elizabeth..what a wonderful reply for all....

[SurvivingEveryday]

Mommy101,

I understand how familial ties can be a detriment to mental health, trust me! My family (siblings) have made their true colors shown, and after years of them triggering me and becoming increasingly difficult to be around, I decided to love them, but not allow them into my life. It was so scary and difficult, but it has changed my whole life!

I know that is not the solution for everyone, and that it is not even attainable for some people, but it is the option that worked for me. I grieved deeply but have since accepted and moved past it, if only just. I am sorry that your daughter does not understand your PTSD, but her badgering is not healthy for you. You do not deserve to live with that, or around that.

You got this. Age is a number, and family is what we make it. You have a good community here, and people who love you will try to understand your PTSD so that they can love you, not judge you.

[Mommy101 in reply to SurvivingEveryday]

Thank you

[Daveacr1959]

I’m 62.. try the Wim Hof guided breathing exercises free on you tube each morning before breakfast. After your shower rinse in cool water for 5 minutes. Working on a full cold rinse in a month. Lowering the temperature a bit each day. Get 40 minutes of cardio exercise daily to produce endorphins. Do things that make you happy. Lay with your pet or husband. And just know you are loved as you are.

[Mommy101 in reply to Daveacr1959]

Thank you so much

[Zhangliqun]

I know so little about your family dynamics and history that I just can't comment on them at all. BUT...

A critical thing to do right now is to focus on the good things. Count your blessings. By your description it sounds like you have a very compassionate husband. Many people like us (mentally ill) don't have a husband or wife at all, or if they do, the spouse (a) isn't trying to understand, is alienated and living a separate life under the same roof, (b) is about to abandon them, or (c) has already left.

Let that be your base of focus for now, and expand from there into focusing on other blessings from God that are all around you. That's not just a 'religious' statement, it's also sound psychology and psychiatry. Mood disorders rarely stand still -- they are either getting better or worse, depending on attitude and behavior, and meds if necessary (they sure are in my case).

You have to learn to FIGHT the negative thought patterns, especially learning the art of forcing yourself to replace negative thoughts with good ones. Every moment focusing on the negative leads you more into an unrecoverable tailspin toward death by your own hand. (Yes, I'm being that blunt. It almost happened to me.) On the other hand, every moment you spend thinking of something positive is a moment taken away from negative thoughts, and the mind slowly starts to heal up.

Think of very, very simple things. Bunny rabbits, funny animal videos, happy memories, places you like to go, etc. Very, very dirt simple. The simpler and sillier, the better. In my case, I like to remember favorite restaurants as a kid, going to hardware stores to feel the positive vibe of constructive things that can be done with the stuff in there. Or I will look at photos of fall foliage on line -- better yet, in person if it's October. You get the idea.

And finally, the controversial part, at the very bottom of all this needs to be the foundation, the conviction that you are more than just a meaningless, accidental mechanical dance of atoms that's here and then gone for no reason like a sandcastle at low tide. If that is true, the only rational response is despair. As Dennis Prager said, "Only if there is a God who created man is man worth anything more than the value of the chemicals of which he is composed." BUT...If it's false, then there is every reason to celebrate, because your suffering doesn't have to be in vain. If you hang in there and start to improve with meds and coping skills, God will use you to help someone else just like you. He will make your illness worthwhile...

[Mommy101 in reply to Zhangliqun]

You have so much helped me. I have been on meds and they help a little. Your words have been what I needed to begin a new perspective on all my woes and self doubt