I’ve been dealing with a lot of intrusive thoughts lately,
I find myself obsessing over vulnerability. When I hear of suicidal deaths or cancers or seeing little kids be so care free, I some way or some shape or some form or fashion , feel afraid for them. That something BAD may happen or WILL happen and look at them being all happy and care free. When in my world I feel locked and caged in my brain. Also, I feel afraid for my kids , that something bad may happen to them or something bad may happen to me or the worst of all I may give in to the weakness of anxiety and end my own life.
But I am realizing that right now, every time I go to the therapist, my sessions are usually about control. For about 5 years straight I couldn’t stand having a messy house. I would physically become stressed and irritable and feel alone and basically PTSD flash back to when I was a kid growing up and cleaning up a mess that would never STAY clean. BUT my wise therapist woke me up by saying “IS IT THE END OF THE WORLD, if you just don’t have a clean house” And I was LIKE! Wow, it sure does feel like it , but I don’t want to FEEL like this anymore, so ill let it go… through doing the work through my therapy sessions, I learned to let that go.
But little does my therapist know, another issue is deeply embedded in me…..HEALTH ANXIETY! Health anxiety has no replaced the need to control the things around me! A more recent example was the floaters in my eyes, I got it checked by my regular eye Dr, and she said my retina is fine. “Nothing to worry about”. But you know the obsessive anxiety in me said otherwise. I do this thing , I check with my Gut and if it doesn’t subside , I must go to another Dr and seek the final resolution of the floaters….my EYE Dr’s words didn’t exactly give me an educated reasoning as to HOW the floaters in my eyes are normal for my age.. That matched up to what google said!!! But you know me, I ask the ALL MIGHTY all-knowing GOOGLE. Google is saying GO TO THE ER YOU ARE GOING BLIND!!!! So frantically I schedule a next week appoint to the Lasik surgeon. Low and behold my eyes are PERFECT and floaters are normal and it’s just I focus on them too much that’s creating anxiety. I had about a week of relaxation being in the moment and then BAM!!!!!!!!!! Back to obsessive thoughts…. But different…
I’ve always wanted to do a pod cast (something new aka vulnerable) so I started scheduling meetings with the recording studio, getting people together, plan all played out , and then I say to me self “ What if someone makes fun of me, I don’t think I can handle that) Well sure enough , I had commented under someone’s post and a troll made fun of my weight, (because I’m thick in the hips lol) but that sent me off to a DEEEEP Panic, then during the week I read of a psychologist here in town commit a murder suicide and I read that she was off her meds, ON TOP OF a week later , I hear of a friend of a friend committed suicide. Can anyone guess what I did? Yup I panicked! I internalized and began the intrusive thought pattern. Then the what if thoughts “what if I get so weak?” ,” it’s the people with anxiety and depression do this “ “ I have anxiety and depression” I never felt so dangerous and fear full of myself IN MY LIFE! I was deeply terrified of ME.
I know deep down inside, the reality of things is that I won’t do anything! In fact I actually enjoy life, and all the ups and downs is very beautiful to me. The thought of my husband & children make me smile and I actually enjoy washing their clothes, cooking, and hanging out with them. When I am away at work I truly miss my husband and my kids. I always think about living to be 93 years old. Being a grandma and a great grandma, and being a source of refuge for my children. I once read that people who have those types of thoughts actually value life its self, and the scariest thought is the unforgivable thought. Suicide.
Two weeks ago I ran to my Dr because according to the “black box “message you have to go to the ER when you are having suicidal thoughts. But the way my health insurance is set up, I don’t have the funds for an ER visit. So logic quickly took over and I went to see my Dr. at the regular clinic. I was afraid of myself, and I was seriously considering going to a mental health center because I was afraid of me. I feared that being so close to anxiety and panic and setting in depression plus my PTSD, I was sure to BELIEVE the FEELING of “this is what people like me do”.
But in reality the people like me they LIVE! And yes, it is true, there are the fallen ones. And yes it is scary to know that people DO make those decisions. But I am strong enough to say it won’t be my decision and I am focused on the healthy lives that the “people like me” live. There is successful journey that involves PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, OCD, Obsessive (intrusive) Thoughts. If I could give you any advice, it’s to surround yourself with SUPPORTIVE PEOPLE. 2. Seek therapy 3. Keep a journal of your thoughts.
In conclusion, here I am now, going 4 weeks back on medication, my panic and anxiety has subsided tremendously, my racing thoughts have slowed down, but the intrusive thoughts are still there… But I am strong, and I am not alone. I am recovery in the making.
I thought I was lucky for having my exams canceled last year. ***TRIGGER WARNING***
Am I in the wrong? Trigger warning
TRIGGER WARNING 
