I don't know what to think

Hello I'm new to this site. I was diagnosed with depression this February I've been seeing a therapist and psychiatrist. Today I woke up for work and didn't want to go in cause I woke up feeling down really down. I went anyways but left after lunch. My wife of 3 years got upset. She said me feeling this way drains her and she doesn't know what to do. She said she's tired of it and I don't try enough to make myself feel better.

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  • Oh dear! I'm having trouble with my Daughter right now so I empathise with u. Texting is stupid but she won't talk on the phone!

    She's just had a baby but I still have no clue as to when I can see her. I'm left hanging which makes my Extreme Anxiety Disorder worse. I'm also agoraphobic, so I don't get out much. I also have depression and Ocd.Ive been mentally ill since childhood.

    I'm at the end of my rope now! Scared of loosing my Daughter if I try to explain myself.

    Family a!

  • Sorry to hear that.

  • I'm in a similar boat. My boyfriend says things like that to me often. I just have to remind him that I need his support and patience whilst I try to figure myself out. Try your best to explain that to your wife. Have you considered couple's therapy?

  • Or even just bringing her into a session with you?

  • Sounds like your wife is being a bit selfish.

    I understand your position. We all need someone to talk to about these things because people who don't deal with depression do not understand. I recently started going to a support group and it has been helpful. Why waste time sharing information with someone who can't relate. I will say one thing though; depression is a temporary condition.

    The strong negative emotions are almost unbearable. I have struggled for going on 14 years, however I have learned to have hope knowing that I can recover. Before I was so enveloped by the feelings of despair that I lost hope which only perpetuated the depression. I have learned to look at the symptoms I am dealing with as temporary, even fleeting as some days I have good moments and my mood lightens. I've also realized that isolation is the worst thing for me. So while I am in recovery I push through on the necessary things in life and grant myself grace in the unneccesary things. There is really no alternative.

    I am doing better now that I have changed my perspective. Yes, I have really bad days and yes there are days that I sleep most of the day but they are not as frequent.

    Hopefully you can get to the root of your depression. It's not easy but hang in there brother!

  • Hi, I was in your situation about 3 years ago with my other half. He had never come across depression or any kind of MH issue before he met me (he was 39 at the time). I was getting all the old "snap out of it" , "you are just grumpy", "it's all in your head" and the best one "if you just don't think about it...." yeah....and as time passed, he felt I was dragging him down with him and that I was too needy and unreliable...and just "no fun". Aaaah yeahhh...that one hurt. Oh and that he just could not help me. So I had a choice, give up and proudly walk off scorned and mistreated and misunderstood, or try to educate him. I opted for the latter. Thankfully it worked. maybe it was me, maybe it was him, maybe it was the Universe finally giving me an effing break. But over time he started to understand me. What did I do? Well I started off (on a good day) to say I wanted us to talk about it, properly. Not now but we actually set a date for the conversation. This way he had time to gather his thoughts and I had mine. Also this indicated a level of seriousness and that this was not going to be a row. The day came and I said why don't I start by explaining depression in general and then my specific symptoms and triggers. We then went on to how I behave and how he can spot signs and know the best reaction. I think we sat for 6 hours on the whole talking late into the night. He had plenty of time to tell me how he felt when i went "into one" and his perspective. It was painful to hear as he used a lot of the old cliches and that it is an attitude problem and not really real....but I listened and respected his views at the time. Next i set us a task. Over the coming 3 weeks, he would read up on depression online and I would read up on the support for people living with a depressed person, so that we both got educated on the others' situation from an outside view. We sat down and talked about what we found and if our minds were changed at all with this new information. next step was to make up rules for bad days. For me it was to immediately say if I was starting to feel down or feeling emotional over things he said and did. For him it was to not try to resolve or resent my feelings and thoughts, but to listen and validate my existence. Normally I just want to rant and feel better, I actually don't want a resolution. I had to accept that he needs a break from it regularly and that I am to give him that space. He, in turn, had to be very clear that it is the depression he needs the break from and not me as a person. In fact, we started to treat the depression as a third family member alltogether. Someone we always had to take into consideration, plan around and care about. 3 years later, he has become like one of those miracle dogs that know when you are about to have an epileptic spells....he can sniff out my depression and anxiety before I even know it is there. he will immediately cancel plans, make tea and sit down to talk. I am mindblown how someone can go from having zero idea and being dismissive of the whole condition to someone like he is today....I guess it must be love. Well, love and patience like a frikkin angel. It can be done it can! It needs patience and a plan. XX

  • This is absolutely amazing. How wonderful to have something and someone that worked out so well for you.

  • Thank you! I am still in awe of his willingness to listen and make the effort xx

  • I really enjoyed reading that and learning about your success. Being self-aware, and being able to say "this is how I'm feeling, and I think these things triggered it" can be all the difference. Even if those talks aren't with anyone but yourself.

  • Hey Joey, You make a very good point there. These talks can absolutely be happening within yourself too, just to get some clarity of what your condition looks like, does and results in. I think the journey for me throughout this exercise, was in fact, to discover more about my own condition and by forcing myself to apply logic (for his sake) to something that is, to its nature, pretty illogical, made me see it from a very different angle. :) Xx

  • This is incredible, I wish advise like this had been available for me when my husband and I were dealing with my depression. We are in the middle of a divorce now and he thinks I am a horrible person.

    I my opinion your reply showed be a pinned post on here for everyone looking for this kind of information.

    I am really happy for you that everything worked out for you.

    X

  • Hi 20Voices, I am sorry it hasn't worked out for you. I think I have been lucky to strike gold with my one. I can't imagine everyone are quite as willing to understand and make the effort. It was hard too, especially on bad days when I was feeling really down and angry and still had to compose myself enough to use "grown up words" (as we labelled it) to explain and apply logic to my feelings. It is a very weird place to be as you are kind of the doctor and the patient at the same time. I also always made sure to thank him at the end of the day and tell him how much I appreciate his patience and understanding and that it is everything to me. I guess I also had to make commitments and promises and changes, which were not always easy. If he went out with his mates (massive trigger for me with thoughts of him meeting someone else, better, and realising that's the life he misses, carefree with his friends....all that) I had to agree to text him only once an hour with a status update, I had to prepare for three activities that I would do whilst he was out, I had to prepare food to just re-heat easily and send him a picture of eating it. These were all distraction methods, they helped me get through the night. He would always respond, send pictures of his evening and I had to restrict myself from making him feel bad about going out or try to make him stay in. This was the deal in the early days. It worked. Nowadays I just plan to do something else when he is out, but i never worry anymore and it is no longer a trigger for me. I have actually enjoyed nights in on my own without any kind of prep or thought. He still sends me texts :) I really hope everything works out for you even if it must be so very hard now. Look after yourself and put your health first for now. The future can be a wonderful thing if you let it unfold :) Big hugs Xx

  • I am so pleased it all worked out for you. and I wish you both all the best for the future.

    I Keep telling myself I am going to be okay and I do believe it most of the time. :-D

    Take care and keep looking after yourself .

    X

  • I want to meet a person like that.

  • Wow! That is so impressive and inspiring. I'm glad your thoughtful technique yielded such positive results. Great job!

  • Have you seen a physician to help rule out any physical problems?

  • I would like to post something. I want to thank the active duty soldiers, other first responders and veterans who have put themselves at risk all of the time! My late dad served in WW2.

  • Hi bobed and welcome to this site. You will get good support here. It's hard for partners to understand and I think it's hard to understand anxiety and depression even when you suffer it!

    DragonTears did so well educating her partner -- what a great idea. I lost my husband through my depression and now I'm about to lose my partner if I don't get my act together! Aaaggghhh!!! It feels like I'm pressing a self destruct button sometimes as I lose everything I've worked for plus my own self respect!

    It would be great if you could take something from Dragon Tears post to help you. I'm sorry 20voices that you are going through a divorce -- please look after yourself and you're not a horrible person! My partner says the same to me when I don't feel able to do things I should.

    It's so good to share on here.

  • My partner calls me a baby and dramatic when I get upset. He said he has had enough which puts more pressure. I think it's hard for them as they don't get it but we need to work on ourselves and try not to focus on their opinions if they are not being supportive. It's hard. 😕

  • Hey Blossomgirl, I recognise this so much from our early days. This is such a classic example of someone who is trying to apply a "normal" explanation and logic to a condition they know nothing about and clearly don't take seriously. If a person without any condition would behave like you do when you are feeling emotional, then yes I guess they would seems to be a bit of a drama queen and behave childishly, but what he does not understand is that for you, this is serious and you are honestly feeling your feelings and expressing them strongly. let me guess he sometimes tries to joke it away and makes himself the victim of your "constant negativity"? I felt that I got my partner willing to listen by showing him that I understand his angle and that it must be hard. I also told him clearly that I need him on my side if I was to get better, which i would be and take my responsibility to get help and meds and whatever it took to normalise our life, but that he needed to be on my side as I can't fight myself and him at the same time. I promised to respect when he needed a break, so we could have days we did not mention my depression or anything of the sort. I think if you both agree on the ultimate goal, a normal loving relationship where both of you have your space but also a close trusting love for each other, then that's the first step. If you both want that, then it is easier to start making a plan how to get there. Find out each others needs, compromises, and the non-negotiables and the picture becomes clearer. Set a date (or range) and agree the first steps (maybe you need to go to the doctors, he can read some articles you point him to, or hey, join this forum and have a look around, maybe read my post!) It sounds to me he is just doing a typical man-thing (generalisation I know) and burying his head in the sand and deflecting things with sarcasm and "humour". I hope you two can find your path :) I am here to help if you need anything at all! Big hugs Xx

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