I don’t know what to do.

[Lost1980]

I don’t know what to do. I have never has such a long string of relentless and challenging days in my life. The depression and anxiety just won’t break.

It just compounds. Ever since I have decided I’m going to get help it’s only gotten worse. The closer I get to my doctors appointment I feel more fear.

The closer I get to the days when I can see and talk to a friend (that I already feel like I’m losing) I fear their judgment. Or that they will push me away.

I always feel worthless, ugly, disgusting and feel like everyone hates me. Now each day I’m more afraid it’s true and everyone does feel that way about me.

It’s all been a lot more since I’ve gone back to work after my father died. I force myself to work harder so I don’t have to feel.

I just wish I didn’t exist.

[hypercat54]

Well done for making that appointment at the doctors. Feel the fear but do it anyway. Why not write down a list of your symptoms and how you have been feeling and just hand it to your doctor. They have heard it all before as mental health is the second biggest cause of doctors visits.

You feel worthless etc. because your depression is telling you that, so recognise these are false thoughts. In reality people don't hate you as it takes a lot of effort and energy to hate someone and you are simply not important enough to them so why should they judge you? People are much too busy worrying about themselves and their own lives to give you a second thought. Beware of putting your depression thoughts on to others as this is the way you feel about yourself - nothing more.

You are strong and brave to face up to your illness and to reach out for help so well done. x

[Lost1980 in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you, it took me a while to know how to respond. I will especially try hard to learn not to project my insecurities on others and realize they are not real, it’s not fair to them or myself.

Also thank you for the tip about writing down what I need to have my doctor know.

[hypercat54 in reply to Lost1980]

Someone very wise once said to me that out of 100 people 5 will like you, 2 will dislike you and the rest don't even know you exist. I have found this to be very true. x

[snow_queen]

Mental illness lies. A LOT. It will tell you you’re useless, that no one likes you, that it will never get better, and so many other things. None of which are true.

Making the decision to get help is scary! It’s always easier to continue on a path you know than to try something different. And your mental illness makes it worse by telling you no one will want to help you. So know that you’re doing a fantastic job already, and keep it up! ❤️

[Lost1980 in reply to snow_queen]

Thank you