Productivity guilt

[Mamatired]

I always feel guilty when I’m not being productive. I feel like I can hear my mom in my head telling me that I’m lazy. I’ve been challenging this over the past few months by reducing tasks and setting boundaries but I still feel bad when I’m resting or engaging in a leisurely task. I need additional rest because I have pain. I feel bad as well when she comments on my partner not being super productive after working long hours (hands on work). It feels bad when she makes comments that it looks like tasks are not done or not attended to right away. I end up getting upset at my partner or at myself after hearing her comments but when I reflect on what I’m getting upset about, I know that the actual thing doesn’t anger me at all or upset me at all. The funny thing is that I don’t live with her anymore but the pressure to maintain perfection and productiveness still lingers. I’m having a hard time shaking the feeling and the comments she makes when I see her. The in one ear, out the other doesn’t always work. I’ve also made efforts to address it in the past but it seems futile with her.

Sometimes I hear myself making toxic comments to my partner that my mom made to my dad or vice versa and I feel so down afterwards because it isn’t actually me feeling those things or wanting them. How do you separate yourself from that childhood ingrained mindset? I’m paying attention more now to become more aware of it

[hypercat54]

You work on your setting boundaries skills, perhaps with the help of therapy. You need to tell your mother to stop criticising your partner and if she hasn't anything good to say then keep quiet. You are letting her get away with this and it's time you put your foot down.

If you find this too hard at the moment perhaps it would be a good idea to go low contact with her or even no contact for the time being.

It's very positive that you are self aware enough to realise what she is doing as that is the first step towards healing. Don't let her disrupt your life any more.

[Mamatired in reply to hypercat54]

Thanks hypercat. I appreciate the suggestions. Especially the low contact. That’s helpful and may ease some tension.

[hypercat54 in reply to Mamatired]

Yes it well might. Remember you can't get blood out of a stone and you will never be able to get the love and approval you need from your mother and there is no point in keep trying. You need to get your validation from others around you who love you.

Good luck.

[MoanaQueen]

I totally get you and feel the same way! When I'm just to drained to do anything yet I feel like I'm not productive and hear that voice of my Mom saying those exact same things but it's 10x worse with my husband constantly saying it to me daily as well. Feel free to chat with me.

[Mamatired in reply to MoanaQueen]

I’m sorry to hear that. I bet you do a marvellous job with what you can and can’t do. Honour that your need rest from time to time and tell mom to hush now lol

[Chase888]

I totally understand.When I was young and both parents were alive they went away one weekend and I got to work cleaning the front room and I did a lot for about 3 hours.

Mum never said anything so I asked her if she liked the front room.

She said "couldn't get a man for the weekend so you had to amuse yourself cleaning. Shame, don't worry a man will take pity on you one day".

I told that to an elderly lady and she said "f.....g wicked cow. I wish I had a daughter".

Your mum must be a very unhappy woman.

I know my mum was.

[hypercat54 in reply to Chase888]

That's the sort of thing my mother would have said too. Or she would have criticised my work and say you forgot this or that.

If you had been with a bf she would probably have said how lazy you were for not doing some cleaning. You can't win with people like that as whatever you do you are always in the wrong.

[Chase888 in reply to hypercat54]

Hello HypercatIt says more about them and how unhappy they were.

My mum had a very unhappy life and it made her bitter. My dad wasn't abusive to her but she didn't love him and worked until she was 65.

Anyway, other people get you in conversation and then try to pull you apart.

People take their problems out on shop workers. We are not alone.

But as you know it's more hurtful coming from your mother.

[hypercat54 in reply to Chase888]

My mum was bitter too. When she passed my main feelings were pity that she had so much potential but chose to waste her life being bitter and unhappy.

[Mamatired in reply to hypercat54]

I’m sorry to hear that. It’s tough when it comes to the people we love. We can’t tell them what’s right for them or how to live/ vice versa. I’m scared of being like that myself too or for wasting my energy being upset at her. I think I am slowly accepting that she’ll never be happy with anything I do and that I need to stop waiting for her praise or acceptance of who I am. Do you find yourself having any happy memories of her?

[hypercat54 in reply to Mamatired]

Oh yes. There were times she was happy and loving and I cherish those memories. But the bad times were much more frequent. Don't get me wrong - physically she was amazing as we always had clean clothes, a clean house, and plenty enough to eat even though we didn't have much money, and I admire her for that. She worked very hard for us.

Emotionally though she was quite the opposite, and that to me is a much bigger part of being a parent. I won't say any more on this though as your post isn't locked and I don't want my personal info to go viral.

[Mamatired in reply to Chase888]

I never thought about it that way. I’m not sure if she’s happy or not. You’re right, it is hurtful though. It feels like I’m never good enough and that I’m trying to achieve a standard that’s not really what I want or identify with because I just want her to be happy. It’s frustrating and exhausting.

[Reading_Rando]

I think the value of work are the things we make/earn (or the people we help) from doing it, not the act in and of itself. If you work you also deserve to enjoy the fruits of your effort, regardless of what your mom or anyone else thinks.

[Mamatired in reply to Reading_Rando]

I agree. I feel so much shame when I rest and relax but at the end of the day after work, supporting my family and pets, maintaining the home and bills, I am absolutely drained! I have pain and headaches, but keep pushing myself and it needs to stop really.

[Midori]

OK, You don't live with your Mom, but she has become the little voice in your head telling you you are lazy?

Was she always very critical of you?

My experience is this; I had an abusive husband who finally couldn't live with his own perfectionist ways and killed himself.

For years I had a voice in my head telling me I was useless and lazy, wouldn't be any use to anyone. (I was a nurse, go figure). One day I realised the voice was him. So I told him where to go 'Get out of my head!' Took awhile to get him out by repeating it every time he nagged, but he is now gone, and I am a lot happier.

Try it, it might work for you too!

Cheers, Midori

[hypercat54 in reply to Midori]

Yes. Why rent rooms in your head to toxic tenants?

[Mamatired in reply to hypercat54]

I love this. Thank you.

[hypercat54 in reply to Mamatired]

Someone said it on here once and I thought the same! It really helps me.

[Mamatired in reply to Midori]

Wow! Thanks for sharing this. I like that strategy, I will try that. I’m glad that you are much happier now for it!!

[Mamatired]

Right. I hear you. We don’t want to discredit those aspects of their love. I can empathize and understand where you’re coming from with regards to the lack emotional substance. It hurts thanks for sharing your story