Hey everyone, I hope you are all having a great day so far This post rambles a bit, but I am emotional while writing.
I woke up this morning thinking of my dad. I have never shared this anywhere before online or anything, and only family members/friends during that time know. I am 25 years old and three years ago at the beginning of September, my aunt, dad, and grandpa all on my dads side of the family passed away within a 5 month period. During that time, I lost my job and fell into a deep depression. I just started attending the community college to earn my associate's degree at the end of August, and then the domino effect began. I continued going to school during the next two semesters, but it hit me really hard the following fall. I dropped my classes for fall and spring semester, then began classes again during the summer and continued. I graduated PTK GPA 3.84 on May 12, 2018 and could not be happier about my accomplishment!! My husband was my cheerleader and told me "keep moving forward" on several occasions.
Today, I don't feel like moving forward. My aunt passed from breast cancer. My childhood was very rough, so I would spend the most time at my aunt's house helping her however she needed- cleaning, tutoring, taking her dogs for a walk, etc. It really hurt when she passed, but I felt like I couldn't process it because then my dad passed away unexpectedly and the reason is still unknown. My poppy was in a nursing home and fell, then passed from his injuries. I didn't talk to my dad for 6 months before he died. We had an argument and I let that get in the way of him walking me down the aisle. I feel extreme guilt sometimes, and other times I know he wouldn't want me to feel that way. I have been thinking of him even more since the hurricanes have come through.
I don't want to overshare personal information, but my roots are in eastern North Carolina with family from/in SC, NC, VA, and FL. We were hit HARD by both Florence and Michael. My husband, dog, and myself evacuated to family in FL before the storm. My dad was an electrician. Along our way, we saw several fleets of electrical trucks being escorted by police, on their way to areas that would be affected by the storm as many states had issued states of emergency to prepare for it. I cried so hard when I saw them because they reminded me of my dad. Bittersweet tears. When I was younger, he would give me and my sister rides up and down in the bucket truck/"cherry pickers". He went all over with his electrical company to areas that had been hit by storms, so during the most recent events, I have been thinking of him so much. I see a lineman and I start bawling. I see a commercial or footage on tv of how hard they are working, and I cry. It doesn't happen every time, and it's a mix of happy and sad memories. It has been 3 years. Sometimes all I can do is think about them. Other days, I don't think about them at all. I just miss the h3ll out of my dad right now.
If anyone has lost a loved one- does it make sense how I am feeling? (I do see a therapist, doctor, and psychiatrist and am not feeling suicidal- just sad)
Written by
Jane_Doe2018
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I’m so so sorry for your sad losses and your struggles.
You really have been through it 😞 the awful storms too...
I have lost both parents and so understand the sadness around it all..how you feel makes total sense. Somehow over time lots of things seem to come back to us and trigger the sadness...
I try to think about and good memories I have as they feel precious to me as time goes by..I too had fallen out with my dad, and feel a deep sense of guilt around that..but when I really think about it realistically I know he would forgive and understand..and so would I, guilt is the worse thing..remember though, through all of this he loved you, and you him, families have fall outs...for us it just didn’t give us the time to get back together, it’s ok.
You are doing all the right things , reaching out and getting the support you deserve. Talking about those struggles will help.
You have done amazing graduating, against all odds, wow, what an accomplishment,
I hope you can get any support you deserve so you can enjoy things and feel better, because it can happen and you do deserve it !
I truly wish you well 🌹🌹🌹 xxx
Wow have you been through the ringer, my goodness, I'm so sorry. I lost my mom soon to be 30 years ago , so I do understand, it's so hard to say good by to loved ones. I don't think you have gone through the whole grieving process yet. Ya know my mom was my best & only friend, i still have days where I miss her so. I don't think that will ever change for me. Please forgive yourself about the fight with your dad, you must, then you may be able to take tiny steps forward. It took me a good 10 years to deal with the loss of my mom, slower learner, haha! I'm here for you.
Be kind & gentle to yourself today, even give yourself a treat, could be something simple. I'm wishing you a beautiful day.
Words cannot begin to express my gratitude for your kind words. It helps knowing that I am not alone, but I am sorry that we can relate over this. I thought I was in a good place about everything, but I recently realized I wasn't. I tried rushing the grieving process, or ignoring my feelings- but they do have a way of coming back. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me. It really, really helps <3
My pleasure, it' so difficult to go through it. Take your time. Breathe. Are you able to take your mind to a happy place or time when this happens to refocus your mind? May you find some joy today. Love, peace, light & hugs!
Yes, I am. I find that guided meditation really grounds me and helps me to find clarity during moments like this. I use the app called headspace, and it works for me. Or I try imagining him and having a good conversation, most of it consisting of a regular conversation that ends in forgiveness. I think I am going to watch some t.v. or a movie and relax today. Thank you, and I wish the same for you <3
To me, I typically look at the memories and emotions rising up as a sign that it is time to reflect and then heal; that we are strong enough to handle it.
I am so sorry you are in pain. I hear you that you really miss your dad especially. My heart goes out to you. ❤️
I still have my parents around but miss my younger brother and my aunt and all my grandparents plus my mom has Alzheimer’s so sometimes I feel I’ve lost her to. I know death is a part of life and it never used to scare me but I have been getting the feeling lately that death is coming. I don’t know what this feeling is all about...
Well I will pray and I am sending you good vibes (((((((((((((((((
I'm sorry your feeling bad. The closest loved ones I've ever lost are my grandparents but they were 78, 88, 89, and 94. They lived very fulfilling and productive lives. I still think about them but don't suffer from depression over it. My point is I can't currently relate but my time will come soon enough I'm sure. I'm not looking forward to it. I hope you feel better soon.
Thank you, aaron. I appreciate you sharing this with me, even if we don't relate 100% I plan on relaxing today, after I clean my house. I will be checking in here periodically. The people here, including you, really do make a difference and make me feel better <3
Update: I am feeling much better after relaxing and watching a couple of movies with my dog. I think I will deem today a movie day As always, thank you so much for the encouragement and have a great day everyone <3
I'm sorry that you are dealing with grief. The healing process is painful and can be exhausting. This might help you since bit.ly/grieving_takes a lot of effort.
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This post rambles a bit, but I am emotional while writing. 
POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ 
Feeling lost 
Trigger warning; My trauma & my mother’s silence 
How to not rely too much on loved ones?
Panic attack and hopelessness (***trigger warning***)
