Pariah

[Eve360]

I am so pathetic, I married a horrible man so I wouldn't feel alone anymore. Now I'm the loneliest I've ever been. Anxiety and depression makes me do stupid things like quit a $70k a year job and move to a new city, leave a halfway horrible guy for an absolute sociopath and alienate people who actually cared because I didn't want to be a bother. But I can't muster up the courage to take the pills I've been hoarding because Google says the side effects of an overdose are pretty scary. I've lived in pain so long I hate the thought of inflicting more upon myself. PTSD makes any relationship difficult, even with the people I love the most. Instead I seek comfort in men I know will never love me properly in a type of self destructive martyrdom. I trust no one, so no one gets in... Except the ones that will do the most damage. I got a new job making a fraction of what I made before, hoping less stress would equal happiness. But nothing makes me happy. The anxiety attacks are less frequent. But the depression remains. Most people can sense the tension I hold in my chest. They know something is off about me. But I don't tell anyone because they will use the information against me. I trust no one. My new coworkers whisper as I walk past. They can only assume. People always assume. So I'm unwanted, unloved and misunderstood. With a newly wed/ estranged husband with no compassion, I hope he never gives me a good enough reason to experience those side effects first hand.

[Hidden]

Do you have family or friends you can stay with? It sounds like you realize you made a mistake in marrying this guy. I married the wrong guy too the first time around and was a severe love addict and codependent for years. Sometimes a breakdown is a break through. I am in Codependents Anonymous now and therapy, I had to completely redo my life. I had a mental breakdown a little over a year ago and now my life is totally different. It’s never too late to go in a new direction.

[RiderontheStorm]

I recently learned that making life decisions based on fear and guilt don't work out well. I strive to live authentically now to reduce the anxiety and stress. You might consider working toward that goal as a self soothing practice, to seek serenity. A lot of what you said I can relate to. I can't take SSRI's but work to change my situation.

[fauxartist]

Are you getting any professional help to sort out why you feel you keep making the same mistakes in relationships. I know that random hook-ups for some are a means to an end of not wanting commitment or the hassle of a relationship because of being career oriented, or are in school and not looking for any drama, just a quick fix. But when there is so much self loathing...then it's just compounding an existing problem and making it worse. I would get help with the PTSD, and the self esteem issues and then start working on getting out of the repeated patterns of unhealthy relationships. I don't believe you deserve to beat yourself up like you are, or be treated badly, many of us have had self esteem issues for various reasons. But you can get help. And as far as believing people are whispering about you .... sometimes we may over-think and miss read that others have that much interest in us, when they are really caught up in their own stuff and are not really interested in us at all. Try to focus on the work...and forget about the social. Be diplomatic, professional, and stick to the task at hand. Social graces are nice, but your also not at work to socialize really....it was always best for me to limit my interaction and have boundaries at work and not talk about personal stuff too much.

[countryboy1]

Wow, there are SO many things in what you wrote. Let me try to dive into your comments.

First, you say that you are unloved and unwanted. BUT, earlier you wrote that you pushed away those who really care. So is it that no one cares, or because of your condition, you feel a separation from the ones who really really love you?

Second. You seem to have a great knowledge about your condition. PTSD, depression etc. Knowing where you are and what you are dealing with, I believe will ultimately be to your favor. Continue studying your condition, that knowledge though painful, will help in the end.

Thirdly, are you afraid of success? Do you not think you are worthy of achieving great things? Is that why you quit your job? This is a real issue, my dad struggled with this as well. You are such an awesome person and you deserve everything GREAT thing this world has to offer. Please fall in love with yourself!

fourthly, your husband. I am divorced and remarried. My theory is this. Is there hope for the marriage? Can you reasonably assume that 2019 will be better than 2018? Are you guys willing to get help? If 2019 will not be better than 2018, perhaps you should consider your exit strategy. But remember the negative feelings could be your depression talking. Please stay close to a therapist before making any final final decisions.

fifth, the side effects of your meds. Please sit down with your doctor and go through your concerns. The doctor is more knowledgeable about your meds than google.

Sixth, nothing makes you happy? That is probably the depression talking. Are you seeing a therapist about the depression?

Seventh, Love yourself, love yourself, love yourself. You are such an important person on earth. You are special, unique, needed, wanted and loved. Love yourself

[Briteside]

I can only speak to the things you talked about that I have struggled with and have lots of hindsight on. I was so relieved when I discovered meds that worked for my depression and anxiety but I had to maintain the doses and change when they stopped working. I had to come to the realization that living with a few side effects was better than living with full blown depression and anxiety bordering paranoia and Or psychosis at it's worst. It always frustrates me when I read about others who’ve accomplished being Med free or managed to avoid side effects. I feel like I could be that strong but then I try and fail miserably. Life is to short to waste it trying to be something I’m not so that leaves me with accepting myself as I am and being ok with what makes me happy, even if it’s mediocre.

I almost went back to a job that I quit because of the way my coworkers treated me. I was feeling guilty about not making good money and talked myself into believing I could win their hearts this time around. It hit me today that it’s wishful thinking. It would feel good to be accepted by these people but I can’t force it. Possibly something I said causeed them to dislike me or they just didn’t have time for me. No one deserves to be whispered about and ignored, left out, laughed at, or picked on. I agree that you should just go to work and do your job, treat others as you want to be treated, but look for friends elsewhere if needed. There are people around that are loving and kind, and don’t expect you to be perfect. You deserve to be happy, healthy, and loved.

[LaPetiteGen]

My heart breaks reading your words. It sounds like you've been struggling with anxiety and depression for a very long time. Please get counseling for yourself and get to the heart of your depression and whether your medication is right for you. Second, if you think there is any possibility of hope in your marriage, couple's counseling would be worth exploring. It just sounds like you see the world through a gray lens of hopelessness and despair with this idea that nothing can ever change; yet, you jump from one thing to the next searching for a solution only to be disappoint. I pray one day you realize this is your choice to see the world this way.... it doesn't have to stay that way forever. When you believe that you are worthy, that you are loved, you are unique and that there is NO ONE ELSE in all of creation as special as you are- then you start seeing yourself and the world around you from a place of hope. Praying you find the right vision, the right path and the right strength.

[oncesunny]

Eve, Just saw this and the younger me can relate alot except i didnt get depression until a few years ago after a PTSD( not military) event for me that rocked my faith in alot of things and broke me..Only take my anxiety meds as no side effects.Yes im scared of side effects and gaining more weight for starters as i once was thin and it just wasnt a concern but being physically disabled has changed that...Im still holding on and i hope one hr or day at a time you can and will as well.I need people like you!! Take Care! xo...You matter!!

[TriggerPoint]

Question For Ya Hun: " WHY" Would "YOU" Marry A "Horrible Man" In The First Place Thinking He'll Replace "YOUR" Loneliness "YOU" Already Had ?* Pause & Calmly Think About That.....*