Changing minds - I'm talking about your's too

[BlueJay08]

Surviving anxiety after childhood rape and abuse is an internal roller coaster that can cause siezures but professional treatment for the seizures is expensive so I work hard but I can't keep a job or drive a car because of the seizures but I can't afford to treat the seizures so I can keep a job so I can pay for my treatment so I can work some more. Nope it will result in death so boredom is again my biggest enemy and a possible suicidal threat since I require less than 4 hours of very interupted sleep a day while my mind races and races and races... I found a way to turn this off but it comes with side effects and the constant risk of arrest and all the horrible anxiety inducing things forced on us while dealing with the concrete police department and court system. The thought of have a siezure in the jail cell just makes my anxiety rise to the point of inducing one. The police will make no accomodation for people who have siezures. I believe this must change as people's lives are in danger both from physical injury and emotion devastation from suicide or from other inmates that are not tolerant of people with mental problems. What's funny, I'm terrified of having a siezure in jail but when Judge Ward "found" me guilty of a crime I am innocent of I sure wish I would've had one in front of him to force him to deal with it like I have to everyday! Oops a little emotional but I'm keeping it "between the lines".

[sweetiepye]

Hello Blue, Are you in the US. I'm asking because the options for treatment are different than the UK for instance. I have never heard of anxiety causing seizures . Many on here have suffered childhood abuse myself included. So I am quite familiar with the devastation it brings. Maybe you need a reevaluation and some support from the medical community. You could try a free clinic and any Emergency room has to see you. You do not need to have a seizure in front of them a blood test will tell them what's going on. You have some choices available to you using street drugs will kill you or send you to prison.Not good choices and blaming the system may make you feel better, but in the long run it tells people you aren't willing to help yourself. I'm certain this is not what you want to hear. You have my sympathy much good will it do you. Are you in jail now as I suspect. I imagine inmates have health services although boredom probably isn't covered.

[BlueJay08 in reply to sweetiepye]

Yes I'm in the United States of America. No one in my life has heard of siezures being caused by anxiety until they saw mine and couldn't be figured out by a neurologist but an emergency room doctor watch as I overcame an oncoming siezure with a lorazapam tablet. After further research I've found that is is a real thing. No I'm not in jail or prison. I've only spent 3 hours in jail for marijuanna about nine years ago and seventy-five days for a crime I have a recording of my land lord commiting. Unfortunately due to social conflict and siezure I ended up with an injury about every 3-5 days while there. I'm not asking that boredom be covered. I was diagnosed as epileptic 12 years ago and even with an official siezure disorder diagnosis no accomodation was made for my disability. I'm talking about softer environment in case of siezure. Not allowing people who have siezures to be forced to take the top bunk. Not putting handcuffed hands behind the backs of non violent people who have the risk of siezure. I'm terrified that if I have a siezure while handcuffed my arms might come out of their sockets or who knows. I hope you got the point I was really tring to communicate.

[sweetiepye in reply to BlueJay08]

I think I got your point but it comes very close to sounding like an excuse, or wanting special treatment for your circumstances. On a site where you hear people's problems every day you see very few who fall into self pity. In fact they are quite stoic about their situations. I think if you explained a little more you might get more responses. The boredom comment was not intended to be serious. You may be the most sincere guy in the world but asking middle class American to make prisoners more comfortable. or safer, while it may be the right thing to do, won't happen. How often do you have seizures and do you have any forewarning ?

[BlueJay08]

The frequency depends on my surroundings. If I'm alone and surrounded by interactive stimuli they don't happen too often and mostly in my sleep. However when I just man it out and deal with it they can happen many times a day. These aren't like fall to the floor and flop like I used to have when I was working to try and provide for myself. These ones I have now are just like mental pauses while in public. I'll be talking to someone about something and then I out of nowhere I can barely talk or move but I can still see and hear and even think logically enough to notice this happening in real time. Still when it happens there's nothing I can do but just exist there until my brain stops siezing. I'll admit I am angry at my government for doing such a dangerously poor job on mental health, especially for innocent victims of chilhood domestic violence. My love for my Parents who adopted me and the fear of going to Hell are the biggest things preventing my suicide. I do worry about losing this love and fear... and so the paranoid cycle continues...

[BlueJay08]

Yes I do want special treatment. I've earned it by staying alive this long. No it's not an inflated view of myself. I was born chemically dependant on hard drugs. Then I was habitually sodomized to the point of death while surviving constant and severe mental, emotional, sexual, physical, and chemical abuse. I was also responsible for keeping my two younger brothers alive because the adults wouldn't. This is where I was by the age of five years old. Okay so now I've grown up without physically harming anyone else around me in any significant way, don't you think that my situation deserves some accomodation? If it doesn't than maybe I'll crack my skull on the jail floor duing a siezure because I got caught with an illegal substance to cope. Err, oops... got a little emotional again but dealing with the arresting police when you're doing nothing wrong puts me back into that childhood "trapped" situation I had to survive. Dealing with a situation with no way out is the worst for me. I want to do this with a doctor and a psychiatrist but it's not easy to get around here. This is NOT good advise but a few select drugs can give me a way out of almost anything mental and sometimes having it available is almost as good as actually taking a dose. I just had the word uncertain pass my mind. Sounds like me when I'm having a panic attack.

[BlueJay08]

Again, new here. I just noticed that my message was a public post. The original message was actually going to be for my profile but I didn't understand how things work at first. It worked out better that I made that mistake though!

I created a better profile on my redo and I got a big problem I'm having out there. With some guidance hopefully I got the information out there in the right spot. Thank you sweetiepye.

[sweetiepye in reply to BlueJay08]

I hope you haven't given up on me. I can be so suspicious and react in a negative way. I apologize . I don't like the way mentally ill are treated either , but I don't see it changing anytime soon. Because of a drug I take and am starting to get off of. I fall out of chairs , down stairs anywhere. It's like fainting only I have no symptoms before hand and it happens in an instant. My mind can be engaged, I can fall out of bed, off the toilet, anywhere. I hate it. I can't go anywhere alone or drive. I may stop when I'm clean but no one knows. I understand a little of what your talking about. So maybe you can advise me. Pam

[BlueJay08 in reply to sweetiepye]

No sweetiepye I haven't given up on you. I understand siezure symtoms being agrivated by drug use and I experience the opposite. When I stay off what I do my siezures change from mental pauses in public and once in a while in bed to having fall out siezures several times a week while awake and engaged. So I stayed off of everything for a month to experiment and my siezures only seemed to be getting worse. So I went to the doctor. He put me on lorazapam as needed up to three times a day. The problem I created in my head is if a panic attack or siezure is almost instant then the medication takes to long to be of service in this situation. I'm not supposed to take it for more than "x" weeks either so why trust the medication if it's just going to be denied later? I mean it works when things coincide correctly but that's not life. The trust is the important part. When they jam your younger head with intense fear of drugs then when you become the mental patient and the doctor starts jamming your head with more dangers of addiction, depedency, or suicide then you fear the medication and that is the foundation for failure. I might be able to be clearer. Okay I was told many years ago to ask the doctor about alprazolam from someone who has experience. My mental reaction was, "WHAT! THIS DOCTOR IS GOING TO THINK I'M AN INSANE ADDICT THAT CAN'T DO ANYTHING EXEPT SEEK DRUGS!!!" I believe my former neurolgist has some responsibility for this reaction due to the way he treated me when he saw a little THC in a blood test. When he put me on prozac because I was complaining about mental health troubles being brought up from the situation I ended up becoming suicidal. Prozac is dangerous for bi-polar. When I begged for help he just kept treating me like a junkie so I got serious and demanded he do something to help me now before I kill myself! He said, "Go! Get out of my office and never come back." Then he sent a letter to my parents! I was 26 years old! He should've told me where to go. Actually he should have called for an ambulance because I was suicidal. Bad doctor! Okay now where back in the present. A mental hospital put me on lithium last year. I was ready to commit at that point but after about 5-6 days I could not hold the lithium down so there goes that option, back to the benzo? I don't know yet.

[sweetiepye]

My Mother was addicted to prescription drugs so I owe my drug education to her . I can find the positive any where. I am careful about how I talk about drugs with my Doctors.They do not like it if you appear to know more about drugs than they do. I always tell them I Googled it. The drug I am trying to get off of is Requip and I have heard it is rough to quit. Not looking forward to this. So my Dr. wrote a script for another drug which is in the same drug family. I will become addicted to it also. So I'm working on a solution, another kind of drug. We'll see . I am surprised they didn't give you something to control the vomiting , that may be a good thing. How did you feel on lithium otherwise? You can always pm me ,click on your name and then messages. Pam

[87Studyinghard87]

BlueJay,

Sometimes a person has to find other possible treatments for themselves. When I lived in Arizona, I didn't have any Anxiety or Depression, because I started smoking marijuana. I know this is considered a maladaptive type behavior, but it worked for me. Also, I too have had seizures that were caused by anxiety, and some were even caused by binge drinking. Which I have calmed down the drinking tremendously, and completely stopped smoking as every job now a days requires a person to pee in a cup, which I think is absolutely ridiculous and intruding. I have a friend who is unable to drive because of his seizures. Luckily, mine haven't effected my driving, and I have never had a full on Grand Mal while driving. I hope you find some relief in your seizures.

[BlueJay08]

I have found relief for now. It's not the right way so I'll have to change it eventually. When I'm ready. The system needs to be ready too because right now getting treatment is an overwhelming challenge and produces vague long term results.