My life has been going to shit for years and I just don’t want to be here anymore.
I’ve done the doctors, I’ve done the meds - it’s not medical, it’s life. Every time I think things might improve something happens and I’m at the bottom of the pit again. It’s like I can’t help but screw up.
I haven’t had a good day, or laughed out loud in years.
I wish I knew what was wrong with me so I can fix it but all I get from people is “Don’t worry! Things will get better!” And when I ask “When does it get better?” They just give me a dumb look and say “I don’t know” and then I’m pissed because how can you tell me things will get better if you don’t know when or how? You just lied to me; a white lie, but a lie nonetheless.
I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to be here either because there’s zero joy or enjoyment in my life. I’m always disappointed when I wake up because I have to go through another day of dread and anxiety about what’s going to go wrong next and it’s been like this for years and years.
I’m tired of being worried all the time. I’m tired of being sad all the time. I’m tired of being disappointed all the time. And I’m tired of being tired all the time.
Written by
Dead-Inside
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Right with you today, on the pit. sometimes i am sooooo over this life… ready to get on with the next life…. maybe we will be re-incarnated as Crazy Rich Asians!!!
I remember when life was so simple. People didn’t have so many expectations. Thinking back to my childhood, adults just did basic things like cook, clean, work, sew, knit, and they were contented. That’s what their life would be, and it was ok, no one looked at life like they were wasting it.
This comment may not help at all, but sometimes I think back and remind myself to not be so hard on myself, and to accept my simple life. Again, if I’ve said nothing helpful, just skip my reply lol
I know I feel the same way. For me, it's not about I'm doing to screw up, it's whats wrong with people in the town I've been trapped in for 8 years. Ive had depression all my life in episodes, and know the importance of reaching out, which I've always been good at pushing myself to do, to avoid isolating, but 99% here never even have the common courtesy to respond. I've never been one to play the victim, and I know what it sounds like to blame everyone else but me, but this is truly a toxic town where most are from here and everything here is out of touch with whats happening beyond here. I'm so frustrated with the failure to learn here, and the hopeless failure of everything, including mental health.
I feel utterly hopeless of ever getting out of here, and to continue existing like a ghost here is unbearable. I have absolutely no one I know or ever communicate with. People here are content to suffer. I'm not, and I will eventually have to take my life into my own hands to end this.
I get it. People continually disappoint me when I make the attempts, the generous gestures of goodwill and uplifting greetings. I've got hyper-religious, shunning, inconsiderate dkhds for neighbors. I have lost many friends this past year due to age and infirmity (they were older, friends of my mom). I've nobody. My siblings are bloodsucking parasite backstabbers (and that's on a good day). Hoping to scrape what $ I can to move to a cooler climate--but the curse of dkhd neighbors who relish narcissism and lack of consideration for others always seems to prevail.
If that doesn't transpire and they all don't fall prey to a pack of rabid feral javelinas, then I shall make other plans. Life is bullshit, let's not kid ourselves, and it's all, ALL due to other humans!
Boy, do I identify. You're not alone in your feeling that way or in your assessment of others and life (due to other bipedal hominids). Sartre was so on target when he said, "Hell is other people."! Yes. That's the definition. Look at what bloodshed and traumas and sadism our kind have wrought upon others of our own species, not to mention all life forms. We are a virus. Hoping the giant meteor takes us out soon!
I'm so sorry Dead-Inside. It is so hard to go on sometimes. I get so tired of living sometimes, because I am going to have another depressive episode, it is just me. I think the only thing we can do is change the way we think. Life is exhausting.
I had a panic attack earlier this morning. Why? Who the hell knows? Maybe I walked around a little too fast in my house and got my heart pumping. Even when I stopped and say down. It didn't and got a little worse. I tried to practice what I learned. Coping skills, I guess it kind of helped in a way. But I got a little worse with the sweats and dizziness. Eventually I said F* it and took a clozanpram and laid down while listening to my Dare audios to calm down. Around 2am I finally did.
But what sucks is that I had a pretty normal day yesterday. I felt good about myself. I driven the car. Dropped off my partner at work. Visited my mom. Everything was good.
Seems like my best day was my anniversary. And I been on a rollercoaster 🎢 ever since. I don't know if it could be because my Aunt Flow would be showing up soon or 💩 just happens.
Like you I just want to disappear 🫥 not die. I learned from someone that had suicide ideation that most people don't want to die. Actually it's quite the opposite, they want to live. But in order to live a part of them needs to die. That part is the one that keeps them from being who they truly are. I know this personally. I was once a person who overcame her anxiety and stopped taking all my medications. I was living life. It was glorious, if I had known it was only going to be for about 7/8yrs. Then disaster struck. Now everything is different. I don't have my mom like I used to, I don't have my therapist anymore because she retired due to Alzheimer's diagnosis. Now I don't know how to fully get back to where I was.
All I know is that I just want to live in peace. And it be longer than 24hrs.
That isn't too much to asked from the universe, is it?
This could be stupid advice that only helps me, but here it is.
I get those attacks too, sweats, shakes, and legs turning to rubber. I usually end up collapsed in bed till the wee small hours. Same nonsense reasons too, maybe I twisted in my chair.
Another member suggested I try drinking Ovaltine in hot milk. I only do it at night as it makes me drowsy, but boy it works. I don't like malt, so I get the plain stuff.
It doesn't eliminate bad panic, but it winds down those senseless body attacks.
I feel the same way you have been feeling most days too. Like it’s too late to turn my life around. I don’t have an answer for how to make things better, I just wanted you to know you’re not alone.
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I don’t know what to do anymore 
New here but not to depression 
I don’t know how to be alone 
I Don’t Know What To Do
Needing to learn to be selfish...
