Uncomfortable & Unremarkable

[RCCOLA]

My depression and anxiety makes it quite difficult to meet people or have friends. I'm a great dad and spend most of my time doing things for my older children that will, in about 4 or 5 years, move out. That will leave me and my separated wife really separated since we won't have to continue the marriage charade. Anyway, I figured out why I just don't have many friends and it's because I've always been uncomfortable. And, when you're uncomfortable, people you talk to become uncomfortable. They sense your anxiety like it's contagious. It happens to me with both men and women. I've learned to live with my anxiety and depression, albeit thanks to many years of meds but nevertheless....I make others anxious. I don't show it physically but people sense it like I suppose a dog senses fear or something like that anyway. I thought about dating and while said thought is good and fun, I'm sure the reality will be scary as hell. Oh yeah, I'm unremarkable as well which really isn't a bad thing....it's just a thing.... I can walk into a room full of people and essentially be invisible. While some may see that as a negative, I've learned to just go along for the ride.

[Dolphin14]

When you say you make people uncomfortable or anxious what reaction are you getting from them?

Are you trying too hard? Maybe you are trying to make a good impression and because of anxiety it just doesn't come out the way you want it to when you speak?

The other thing you write about being invisible in a room full of people. Mayb that's how you want to be so you perceive it that way?

You do a lot with your kids. Do you bond with other parents at events? If there is a common bond it's easier to make conversation with people.

[RCCOLA in reply to Dolphin14]

My children are older and I really don't find myself with other parents and their kids. I might go to the gym and work out with one of my children or go for a run with them or travel and support them when they compete in various sports and undertakings or take one back to college or help them study, etc.

I probably should have clarified that my post wasn't a complaint so I'm not necessarily trying to rectify anything. It's more of an observation I guess. It took me a long time to figure out that I make some folks uncomfortable. I don't mean so much that they run for the hills but rather, just a slight edge that must make a difference. The first impression I think I give people is probably very forgettable but that's okay. Once someone gets to know me, which takes some time, they like me much better than initially.

Some people have a presence about them. You can't really put your finger on it but they just stand out for some reason. For instance, I've seen many musical acts over the years and the one that stood out was David Bowie when he walked on stage. He just had something about him that created a very strong presence. I'm the antithesis of that which is okay.

[Dolphin14 in reply to RCCOLA]

I see your point. We all have to find a happy medium.

Take care of yourself.

[hatemyhead]

maybe it's time for a med change, because yes indeed when people can see that you have an anxiety and depression disorder they will run for cover like you are holding a hand grenade with the pin pulled out. on the right meds they should not be able to see anything.

[RCCOLA in reply to hatemyhead]

No, I've been on many different meds for the last thirty years and know what works. When I say works, as some here can attest to, if your depression and or anxiety is bad enough, all you want to do is feel semi okay, just to get by so your bones don't constantly ache and you don't feel that overwhelming sense of dread and coldness with a 24 hour stomach ache. You definitely are correct in that when people can sense anxiety and depression, most tend to run away or bow out gracefully save for some people here in these forums. I think what I may do is donate my time to help others who feel depressed and anxious and not understand what's going on. I really like to help others. I think it's a birth defect.

[Hidden]

Wonderfully said! To me it isn't negative to be unnoticed by a room full of people. Getting too much attention sometimes is suffocating in my opinion that is.

[RCCOLA in reply to Hidden]

Yes. Perhaps if you grew up getting all sorts of attention and you relied upon it to craft the person you are today, stopping that would be problematic. I've learned to appreciate my unremarkable identity and in someways, I have more confidence because of it. The only time I would ever get too much attention is when I have to give a presentation to a room or auditorium full of people. And it shows as I'm a terrible speaker. But that's okay.

[Hidden in reply to RCCOLA]

Oh that's the thing I hate the most hahaha. Speaking in front of a lot of people. Well especially with people I know. Like when I am presenting at work during our meetings. I am such a nervous wreck! hahaha

[RCCOLA]

One thing I forgot to mention is how much I appreciate the thought that you guys(slang) put into your responses and without any expectation of anything in return, necessarily. It's things like this make this world okay. Thanks guys(slang again).

[Bobby5000]

I had the unusual experience of living with a family member who was extremely popular while I was not.

1. Do you really want to be popular Sometimes I like reading, going to a movie, or doing what I want. So you want to decide if you really want to be popular and what comes with it, both good and bad. Assuming you want to be, here's some suggestions from my experience.

2. Be a good listener. The seminal book is How to Win Friends and Influence People by Carnegie. People like to talk about their own interests, and the easiest way to become popular is talk about that.

3. Smile Great people when they come into the room, as if everyone was waiting for them.

4. Dress well

5. Don't take offense at small perceived slights or personalize them.

As with many things in life make your choices.

[RCCOLA in reply to Bobby5000]

Great points, thank you. I'm just not a smile kind of person and it's a physical thing, makes me look odd and I'm being kind. I'm in really good shape for my age and while I don't dress like a bum I do wear jeans and t-shirts, albeit nice jeans and clean t-shirts. Being a good listener is a great mention. You're exactly on point. Thank you. I should know as I live in Pittsburgh....Carnegie connection.