I don't want to feel lonely in this

[AKikka]

I got diagnosed one year ago with depression and anxiety. I am not better after the therapy. I felt that most of it was centered in me getting along with a family who has no understanding for mental issues, when I should have had prioritised learning to love myself. I am still depressed and numbed, but after a hiatus of a year I feel forced to go out there. I am so full of doubts. Searching for a job, but at the same time knowing that I don't want to go back to my former field. I left my previous post after one year without pay, giving no warning because emails would trigger asfixiatying anxiety. That still weighs on me. And I will have to face it sometime. But. I. Just. Can't. Now.

I am only looking for fellow-minded people. So I don't feel so alone in my experience. I want to stop the feeling that I cannot deserve better, that I am not good enough. I am just so tired.

[Scott1951]

Welcome to the forum. We are not doctors or therapists, just fellow strugglers like you but I hope you will be able to find some of the support you are looking for here. It sounds like after a time of struggle you are trying to be more proactive about your situation. I can definitely sympathize with your fears about looking for work. It isn't easy putting yourself forward and risking rejection. What might help is breaking the process down into steps and doing one small thing at a time. I hear that you don't want to go back to your previous field. Do you know what other kinds of work you would like to do? Perhaps doing some career research might be a good way to get started. A trip to a state job center might be another possible next step.

[AKikka in reply to Scott1951]

Thank you for your kind answer, Scott. I have been told that all the skills from my previous work would be very useful in other contexts. And I agree. I have documented myself about successfull stories of people leaving my field and entered another one. So I have a vague idea of what I could do, would really like to do. The struggle is just... myself. I am so used to the Shell. Every step requires so much energy. I have managed to find a place to stay on my own so far (thanks savings), I have updated my CV, put it online, I am just now looking for positions to advertise to. Apparently, everything is okay. It's just this stupid feeling of despair.

As you said, small steps. I am still looking for a way convince my brain about how well we are doing things so far.

I am not here looking for a solution. I just wanted to be able to write and pour everything and know that other people understand. So, thank you!

[Scott1951 in reply to AKikka]

It sounds like you are doing everthing you need to be doing. I was once told that it takes a month of job searching for every $10,000 in salary you want to earn! Hope it doesn't take that long for you, but it could. Hang in there.

[AKikka in reply to Scott1951]

Thank you! I don't know if it's something I can say: but I will keep you posted.

[ImInTroubleAgain]

If I could express the way I feel like you just did... I completely understand. You are not alone.

[AKikka in reply to ImInTroubleAgain]

Thank you! It takes a lot to be able to write this down. And it's harder to say it aloud. I cannot communicate my feelings then. Too much emotion. Jedi hugs!

[gogogirl]

What field were you in? My original field was not the best fit( looking back) but I did it for a long time.

[AKikka in reply to gogogirl]

I was in academia, as a fellow researcher.

[gogogirl]

Sounds like you are very accomplished.

[AKikka in reply to gogogirl]

Yes, but I don't feel like it, and I always had the feeling that it was too much and I wasn't enough. It burned me.

[gogogirl]

I went through similar things many years back. Now, I have the woulda shoulda in that respect, and I am old. I don;t feel it but the numbers don't lie! Maybe this is a matter of confidence - after all you left- you were not fired. I hope that you can find another therapist or a support group ( such as a group for people who have experienced this) . National Alliance on Mental Illness is a non profit that is the biggest grass roots organization on this topic. They have a website which has resources, and they are based in DC. They also have branches in a lot of the states. Some of these branches run peer support groups. Last year we participated in a fundraising walk for NAMI ( local) and it was really rewarding. Good luck - you sound like an enterprising person.

[AKikka in reply to gogogirl]

Thank you for your kind words. Many academics deal with depression, anxiety, all that impostor syndrome... That's why at least I am grateful that there is a lot of material for us if we intend to leave, but it still need some adjustment period. As I said somewhere else, my therapist centered our efforts in improving my familiar relationships, but I should have focused in improving my selfstem. I still feel like a failure for not be able to withstand as other peers are capable of doing. I am doing my best, though.

[gogogirl]

By the way, what is a CV? As I said I am old!

[AKikka in reply to gogogirl]

Curriculum Vitae: latin for "path of life". That's the standart resumé as called in European countries.

[gogogirl]

I just read that you are in another country- so I can imagine that adds to your stress. Can you return to your country of origin and do you still have family there?

[AKikka in reply to gogogirl]

It's an option, I still have family there, but I just spent my hiatus year with them and they contributed a lot (unvoluntarely) to my stress and depressive state. I am not looking forward to returning to them. On the other hand, I see moving into another country as a way to begin with a clean slate, and it's a relief to be able to be alone, when I am the only one undermining myself, in opposite to being with them and enduring day after day of them telling me that I should already be "cured", that I don't want to be "cured", why can't I be "cured".

[gogogirl]

I do not know what country you are in; but NAMI operates in the USA>

[AKikka in reply to gogogirl]

I am in Finland

[gogogirl]

Wow- I heard that Finland has a great Ed system there- better than the USA!

[AKikka in reply to gogogirl]

The best in Europe, too. I moved here because I always dreamt of staying in a Nordic country. I guessed I would feel better chasing a dream to come true.

[pipco]

We are THE SAME.

I was diagnosed a long time ago, but a bit over a year ago, i saw the barrel of a gun and quit life. Now i sit/lie on my couch and only get up to get a drink, use the bathroom and go to bed. My husband has zero understanding of my mental illness or why it has gotten so bad that I can't even shower on my own and don't deserve to eat because we are poor and I don't work.

There's no cure, and I can't afford "help" anyway, but it feels like my head is spinning off because I'm supposed to be "getting a job", and he can't understand why even the idea is terrifying.

It's a hopeless situation and more. Hopeless doesn't even begin to describe this giant hole of terrible emotion.

It felt good to find your post because it's hard for me to imagine ANYONE knowing how I feel.

[pipco in reply to pipco]

Sorry, I should've read on. We're similar in feelings, but I'm completely unskilled. I was a cashier at a convenience store (gas station) when I had a gun pulled on me, and feel like i can't go back to that, but will have to anyway, because husband is tired of being the money-man...

[AKikka in reply to pipco]

Dear Pipco, I am so sorry that you had to go through that experience. I always describe my feelings like being a boxer that has been broken during a fight and isn't able to face the ring another time because his fighting spirit has been utterly crushed. Like, I know that I was a good professional, but I cannot face it. I. JUST. CAN'T. FACE. IT. And some people understand, and some others don't, but all express the worry that I need to go back to the ring because that's what life is. I know that's what life is. It's logical. I get it. But, again, I am just broken, and when something breaks a first time, it's more prone to break a second, third time after being repaired. And just that posibility is so terrifying that you cannot move. They sometimes don't get that all you wish for is being whole again.

Please feel my love and understanding. It is really bad that you cannot get help. But I hope that you find some solace in knowing that I totally get you. Best wishes, dear.

[pipco in reply to AKikka]

Thanks. It DOES feel relieving to hear my thoughts from someone else. ♡

[Lazy_dog_lover]

I get ya. You are not alone in these feelings. Job hunting when you doubt yourself is so tough.

I am curious if your therapist does more talking than you. Specifically ask him/her to change the focus to discover more about you and your future. You cannot change family members' opinions.