depression or just unhealthy relationship...

[jurnee33]

advice..

[Hidden]

Why not list the positive and negative things about the relationship. Pros and cons. This may give you perspective on what to do. You haven't listed anything good about the relationship.

[jurnee33 in reply to Hidden]

ive had 2 people tell me that so far, I guess I didn't do it because I know there will be lots of negatives …

[gogogirl]

What's best? You don't sound happy at all about this relationship- sounds like this person is getting a free ride. No wonder you feel put upon.

[jurnee33 in reply to gogogirl]

that's exactly what my mom felt :(..

[gogogirl in reply to jurnee33]

Listen to your mom- it's nice to hear that she is there for you.

[gogogirl]

If someone loves someone else- that person does not use people- and that is how your boyfriend sounds like a user. You must be a very young person- get out and you have your whole life ahead of you. You do not need to be a victim.

[gogogirl]

Also if you describe someone like that , do you honestly believe that it;s "love?" I sincerely doubt it.

[jurnee33 in reply to gogogirl]

ive questioned it so much and there is good that he does and he has tried to change himself, its just anything wrong he does he blames me and says its because of something I do like act a certain way.

[gogogirl in reply to jurnee33]

This is BS- this person who blames you is very immature. Be your own best friend.

[gogogirl in reply to gogogirl]

You might not know this- but many abusive relationships start by someone "hooking" someone in- then the abuse or blame starts. Again, be your own best friend, and listen to your mom.

[jurnee33 in reply to gogogirl]

I know I know... I was at a great place finally before me and him started to talk.. I was okay alone and just with family …

[gogogirl in reply to jurnee33]

Then go back there- you can do this. How wonderful that you have a nice family. Do not sacrifice yourself, and all that is good for this idiot. You know this already.

[jurnee33 in reply to gogogirl]

I know and that's what makes it harder is not having the romantic side of the relationship if I was alone, not having someone to just lay with or watch movies and everything, that's honestly why I don't want to lose him and I see the good in him. but I just don't think it will change. You seem like a professional counselor haha

[gogogirl in reply to jurnee33]

I am not a counselor but I am an older person. Taking abuse is not romantic- that is the hook- paying his bills is not romantic- having sex is not romantic when it is tied to abuse- you are young and naive- you are not his mommy. Leaving this will be a great pre holiday gift to yourself. You do not want him to start trapping or hitting you, or stealing from you- right? You have your whole life- and look at that you are young and already working. What if you wanted to pay for additional education or just your own needs but you sacrificed yourself? Let him mommy and daddy take care of him You take care of you. You can be happy and not abused again.!

[jurnee33 in reply to gogogirl]

thank you … I really am going to try my hardest to let go.. because I want to feel happy all the time like I used to...

[gogogirl in reply to jurnee33]

It's not that hard- you have your whole life ahead of you. Do yourself a favor - you are smart and already know what to do. Again, think about yourself pre this "relationship" and do not let sex or "romance" get in the way. This moron is a LOSER, and you are smart.

[jurnee33 in reply to gogogirl]

thank you !

[gogogirl in reply to jurnee33]

You're welcome- perhaps you could keep us updated.

[jurnee33 in reply to gogogirl]

I will every time I get on here

[gogogirl in reply to jurnee33]

You might be interested in this: I did not sign up but I get e mails from psych central. There was a title of an article about why people pick emotionally unavailable ( or worse) people. There was mention right in the beginning that it was about fear- just thought I would pass that on to you.

[rach1402 in reply to jurnee33]

Get a dog, much less trouble 😂

[jurnee33 in reply to rach1402]

omg that would solve all my problems but my landlord wont let me , I want to beg him so bad because I am obsessed with animals. they make this world worth being in. their so pure and have nothing to be sad about and are just so positive by nature. just like humans, only we are easier to damage.

[rach1402 in reply to jurnee33]

Landlord? You won't have to worry about any landlord's rules if you move back in with your parents lol

[jurnee33 in reply to rach1402]

I know lol but Im used to my own space, its so great , and we have animals there but I want my own animals

[rach1402 in reply to jurnee33]

The more the merrier! I've got 3 little dogs, 2 chinchillas and a little marmoset monkey 🐒💓 I love my little monkey, he's so adorable and friendly. You might just be able to make him out in my picture, he's peeking out of his hammock, he loves to play peekaboo 😁

[jurnee33 in reply to rach1402]

OMG sounds like me lol, I want a monkey so bad, I want a whole zoo when I get a house. !

[rach1402 in reply to jurnee33]

I don't know anyone else who has a pet monkey. It's legal to own a marmoset without a licence here in the UK but I've had a lot of disapproving comments from people. I think it's just not that common but all pets were domesticated at some point. As long as you care for all their needs they can make lovely pets. I think I might have got lucky with Coco though, he's so well behaved, apparently most monkeys bite 😳 he's definitely less trouble than my ex husband. And my eldest daughter lol

[jurnee33 in reply to rach1402]

yes , animals treat you how you treat them !

[rach1402 in reply to jurnee33]

Oh dear, I hope all those biting monkeys don't get bitten by their owners! Maybe my chihuahuas are the exception to the rule then, I don't recall ever pooping on their floor 😂 sorry that was very immature of me, I know what you mean really. If you're kind and gentle to them they will generally reciprocate whereas a lot of humans will take that as an opportunity to gain the upper hand and take advantage. (Not naming any names- your bf)!

[gogogirl in reply to rach1402]

Yes, very true.

[Agora1]

jurnee33, you're young. You've got your whole life ahead of you in finding someone who doesn't verbally abuse you, in whom you can trust and carries his share of expenses. As an outsider, we can see things that you may not want to see although you have admitted to them. LOVE?? Maybe you did at the beginning but now it might be more about not wanting to be alone. Believe me, it is not going to get any better. If you lost him, your heart might be broken for a while but not as much as if you stayed with him and became trapped in an unhealthy relationship. You're a smart young woman who has seen the light of day and just need a little reassurance that it's the right thing to do. You deserve more than this. Your decision. xx

[jurnee33 in reply to Agora1]

omg thank you so much... that really means a lot and gave me chills... it really makes sense and if it doesn't get better,.. I will end it …

[gogogirl in reply to jurnee33]

It's not going to get better- if you have to chat with a professional counselor or see if you can talk with a women's support group. He disrespects you- you are not alone- you have yourself, family and I imagine friends and now this group. You are strong and he is weak.

[MrZee in reply to Agora1]

Agora1,

Very beautifully said. I’m aligned with your feedback.

Best,

MZ

[jurnee33 in reply to MrZee]

yes, it really is ! many hearts <3

[Hidden]

Learm to love yourself enough to know you deserve more and brave enough to demand more otherwise you will find yourself in a unhealthy situation weeks , months years

[rach1402]

Get out now, before you're tied to him with kids etc. Break the cycle!

[MrZee]

Dear Jurnee,

I can highly empathize. I myself have been in three toxic relationships and I loved all of them and feared breaking up would scare and devastate me especially about being alone.

I was the one that initiated the breakup in all those past relationships. And I was lonely and scared afterwards. Yet I was so relieved that the toxicity was over. I was an enabler for all three of them.

I was single for a few years and invested a lot of discussing why I attract dysfunctional men that have my parents bad personality traits. My therapist and I discovered a lot about me and I matured more from this.

When I was feeling better about myself and affirming it’s okay to be alone, a wonderful man fell out of the sky. That was 24 years ago. And we’ve been married 10 years. We have our ups and downs but it’s a wonderful relationship.

The decision if you move on is yours. If you so choose to move on, of course it would be scary. But always remember, there is a wonderful abundance of support out there.

Best,

MZ

[jurnee33 in reply to MrZee]

Thank you so much and I truly believe that , im 20 years old and that's the only thing that motivates me to just leave him already because I know that once I get okay with myself the perfect one will come but that's what I did last year, I was at my best finally and okay without anyone and then he came along and was EVERYTHING I asked for , it was amazing to see god make a person that met everything I wanted, and then things just turned bad .. so it makes think how will that not happen again you know..

[MrZee in reply to jurnee33]

My dear, always remember that toxic people are very seductive in the beginning of a relationship. I’m sure he seemed perfect at first. But when the honeymoon period was over, his true colors surfaced.

If you choose to move on and meet someone else down the road, take your time getting to know them before the physical intimacy comes. Go on a few coffee dates, walks, meals together, etc. During the dating period, you’ll get to know if they’re worth the investment or not before you commit to a long term relationship.

You have so much good ahead of you. You will know what to do.

Best,

MZ

[jurnee33 in reply to MrZee]

yes that's exactly what I wish I had done but after a month of him being here he went away for school so I wasn't able to see him and we only saw eachother about times before he left.. he is faithful I know that for sure and even now he tells me how much im worth and he wishes I see that , all he says is he wants me to see why things get so bad because I don't listen and he just doesn't understand what I say, so much happened in the past months like around june and before and some in the summer of me finding certain things and all he could say is it wasn't him

[gogogirl in reply to jurnee33]

Really???? Again, he blames you for everything. I hope his name is not on your rental agreement or lease.

[gogogirl in reply to gogogirl]

Also- how do you know he's faithful? These types are not capable.

[jurnee33 in reply to gogogirl]

its hard to explain why I know hes faithful, but I can just tell, we have problems in other areas but not that one

[gogogirl in reply to jurnee33]

Again, you may be smart but you are young- don't believe him about being faithful- and maybe he is because no one else wants him! Your mom got you a job- how may people have that option? Be happy with that- that is astounding, and you get to work with family as a support. I don't know what field you are in- but you are not alone- you have your family who believes in you!

[gogogirl in reply to jurnee33]

You read that wrong- remember you are only twenty- why make a committment at such a young age, and with an abusive person no less? Our brains do not fully develop until we are at least 25 - maybe even 30. What if you end up trapped ( which he wants)- and again you are NOT alone. There are many strong single people out there ( I know some) who are very happy. You have convinced yourself that you are not complete without this person. A relationship that looks too perfect right from the beginning ( like it's really intense) usually is. Many women and men end up as broken people picking up the pieces from their abusers. Listen to the news and Me too. He might have "honeymoon" periods but he is still a loser, and you are enabling him. Again, listen to your parents, and save yourself rent as well - there is plenty of time to be out on your own.

[gogogirl in reply to gogogirl]

I meant the #Me too movement.

[Hephzibah2014]

Sometimes you have to let go of the wrong people to let the right ones in <3 Prayers for peace and strength!

[jurnee33 in reply to Hephzibah2014]

Thank you !

[Redfox9]

It seems this person is just taking advantage of you. One of the mistakes i did in my life was to hold on things when it was time to let them go, I begged my gf to stay, that was the worst mistake.

Don't be with such a person, you will find better one, leave him, for few weeks or months you will have anxiety and depression, but after that you will find peace.

you will find the perfect one for yourself. In a relationship you must be happy, it should not be a burden,

take your time and think about it.

[jurnee33 in reply to Redfox9]

Thank you so much and I am , im trying so hard , its just harder when he does improve , ive begged him to stay plenty of times but the times he actually left was only for the night when things got back, his type of leaving is just taking a break and then coming back, if I leave , im gone. I cant do breaks even tho I feel I need one.

[Redfox9 in reply to jurnee33]

no, don't beg, i begged and lost all my self respect, please don't beg, if he's right then he must stay at his own, there's no need to beg or convince. This is high time to take a step, change your life, you will get much better.

[jurnee33 in reply to Redfox9]

I will do that.. and yes I feel ive lost all self respect, that's why im trying to work on it all now

[gogogirl in reply to jurnee33]

Why are you begging an abuser to stay? Please do not- that is part of the trap. Soon these types tell you how rotten your family is and try to isolate you. Is that what you want ? I doubt it. Be thank ful that you have such a good job that affords you an apt. at such a young age. Are U in the USA? Many college grads here with multiple degrees cannot find full time work, and are living in their parents' basements. I will bet that your parents have many sleepness nights worrying about you with this idiot. People like him prey upon people when they are feeling low about something then increase their self doubt like blaming you for everything. You will feel better when you get yourself back , and you will have time to meet new friends.

[gogogirl]

Just another word- toxic people do not just come in relationships. About twenty years ago credit card companies targeted college students, and these students ended racking up lots of debt that their parents had to pay. Why did college students with no income have credit cards? Who knows- but it just shows that scammers and abusers target all kinds of people. The elderly are also known targets like I have a bridge to nowhere to sell someone.

[gogogirl]

Are U in the medical field? Anyway, good luck to you. We older people here have had experience , and know a little about these kinds of characters. I remember hearing about someone like that- the person tried to play on people's sympathies. Turned out that he was a lunatic.

[Hidden]

I am so sorry you are in this situation. The relationship sounds very difficult and painful. Our world is full of broken people who struggle to have adult, healthy relationships. Have you asked yourself why you are afraid of being alone? Why do you allow someone to curse at you which is a form of verbal abuse? You deserve to be treated respectfully. You are wonderfully and beautifully created on the inside and out. Be good to yourself and consider your future.

[LillyDilly]

Hi jurnee33,

He sounds narcissistic. He's at the very least, toxic. Look up melanie Tonia Evans on YouTube. She is a narcissistic abuse expert and has developed a method for healing from the emotional abuse.

[jurnee33 in reply to LillyDilly]

Will do, Thank you !