This isn’t a cry for help or anything. I’ll bounce back some later... I know that from personal experience. I just felt like it would help if I vented some...
I’ve basically been in bed for the last 19 hours. I got into it with my ex yet again about having her damned boyfriend near the kids because they haven’t been together very long.
She had her graduation from nursing school last night. She’s bothered me about it for months if I was going and except for when we first separated I’ve been supportive and told her I’d go if I could with work and I would help with the kids and all of that. Two days ago she comes to me all friendly and tells me to stay home. I knew she was lying because she’s never that nice unless she wants something. Come to find out her mother somehow agreed that her boyfriend could sit with them.
Now that is all the information she gave me and I was pissed. There is no reason for that, it breaks my one condition and seems just f—-ing stupid to even do. What’s the point honestly?
So after fighting and being made to be a gigantic asshole over it again and again it finally comes out that supposedly he’s going to be with a group of her friends’ families and they’re going to dinner later but they won’t be near each other and all of this other shit I don’t believe because if she isn’t an outright compulsive liar then she’s one of those people where is a, b, c, d and e are the truth you’ll be lucky to get a and b out of her.
I’m so sick of fighting. I’m so sick of waiting and struggling to make things change and feeling like they never will. I’m sick of being alone. I’m sick of being the bad guy. I’m sick of being alive and in pain.
I’m not looking to kill myself but I just want it all to end...
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faulhallen
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faulhallen, I'm glad you came here to vent. You needed to get your anger out. Now would be a good time to get out of bed as well. After all your support, your ex graduated from nursing school. Instead of thanking you and allowing you to be with the family, she once again kicked you to the curb per se. You are justified in feeling hurt and angry however, don't feed into her satisfaction and confusion as to what she wants and when it's convenient for her.
Look what it's done to you? Waiting and hoping your life away. Short of keeping the children safe, your job now is to take care of yourself. If you don't, no one else will.
You are better than this. I believe in you but now it's time to believe in yourself. Trust in that you will be able to go forward unconditionally without any doubts or hesitation.
Reach out to us again once you are out of bed and let's start the day on the right foot.
Thank you. I’m trying to get myself up now with mixed results. Eating something would probably help the most at this point because it’s been about 26 hours since I last ate at this point. I’ll be ok in the long run. Thank you so much for your support.
Definitely have something to eat as well as hydrate. This is one time I like to think of the human body as a machine. It needs fuel to run efficiently. You'd be surprised in the difference it makes both with the body and the mind. Then get washed, dressed and even with no where to go, you will feel a lot better.
Thank you again. I’m up and have eaten a little even though I feel like I may get sick. I’m going to finish drinking a little coffee and try to mow the yard so they can’t yell I didn’t do anything today and make things worse for me.
I have a friend who has offered to hang out with me some tonight but I don’t know if I’ll have childcare to do so. I have to talk to her and her mother and I really don’t want to.
I so hear you...one thought at a time. Mowing the lawn is a strenuous job. Do what you can inside or out.
I hope it works out for you to hang out with your friend tonight. That would be good for you. If I lived close to you, I would offer to take care of the children
One good tip is just look at your legs and tell them to get moving. If you do it immediately it temporarily breaks the games your mind is playing. I used to do this to get myself moving to go to work. x
Hey faulhallen, I agree with the need for some self care. Your kids need you to be you.
Parenting your kids with your ex girlfriend is always going to be difficult. One thing that should help is to limit the ultimatums. Rules are made to be broken. Every rule you throw out there is an opportunity for her show herself (& you & her new boyfriend & your kids etc.) that you are not the boss.
It's a tough balance to be sure, try not to be too hard on yourself. Try not to be too hard on her too. Not because she's a saint or anything, but because her choices are out of your control. And those are the choices we trust God to sort out.
Thank you I really do appreciate your advice. I just feel like there’s a little more needed for why it’s been an issue.
The problem that I have with her is that it’s ONE rule. A rule she whole heartedly agreed to.... until the second she decided she liked someone enough to be exclusive and stop seeing 4 guys at once. Then within hours it was “you need to meet him because he can help with child care and the kids may need to go on dates with us.” Her mother hates him for being of Hispanic descent and has caused multiple fights over it and even told my ex to choose between him and her.
Since then she has frequently brought it up, did the above graduation thing, ambushes me into meeting him, and even tried to convince me she should be able to bring him over while me and the kids were asleep (my daughter still sleeps in the same bed with her for a number of reasons) when her mom wasn’t going to be home. This has been in the last three weeks. It’s not like they’ve been dating for months or anything.
I’ve never had any control in our relationship and to even pretend I had influence is a stretch. You may be right about the being the boss thing but all I’m asking is for her to follow what is basically her own damned rule because I don’t remember who brought it up originally but even though I still haven’t been on a single official date, she still felt the need to remind me of repeatedly over the last four months.
My daughter is incredible in many ways but you can tell all of this with the divorce and her grandmother being so nasty to everyone is wearing on her. I just don’t want her getting any more hurt emotionally than necessary and if nothing else I feel like no reasonable person would introduce their boyfriend to their children while their dad hasn’t even moved out yet.
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Is anyone there to talk to? I need help.
I don’t know what I want anymore 
I want to help her 
I don’t want to be me
Unable to get out of bed
