I want to help her

[Iwanttohelpher7]

My daughter who is 22 suffers from anxiety. I don’t know how to help her. I want to learn more. We are all affected by it and yet none of us (in our immediate family), understand it. She has a therapist however, there are times when she has the hardest time dealing with situations. She focuses so hard trying to make things perfect. She gets so aggravated at times and I see the pain all over her face when she is having trouble coping. I’m also not doing a good helping her because at times i tend to get angry when I feel she’s making a mountain out of a molehill.i realize that I just don’t understand enough of what she is coping with. I wonder where I should start? I want to help her instead of feeling confused, angry and guilty. Any suggestions?

[upsetmamma]

I am in a similar situation. It’s hard when they are adults. They seem to resent the help but then ask for it. At least my son does.

[ctmartin]

As it turns out, I am also a 22 year old woman with anxiety. Obviously, anxiety is different for everyone so what I experience may not be the same as what your daughter experiences, but maybe I can give some insight. Most of my anxiety comes from mundane things like using drive thrus, driving on the freeway, making small talk, or talking in a group of people, ect. In the rational part of my brain, I know these are simple things that should not be a big deal, but I still feel adrenaline like I’m being attacked or something. Sometimes, the fact that mundane things make me anxious makes my anxiety worse because I feel silly knowing that the things I struggle with the most are things that most people don’t give a second thought to. The molehills really do feel like mountains, even though I know they are molehills. Talking about anxiety can be really tough because you have to be vulnerable and you know that some of the things that give you anxiety sound ridiculous. The best way to know what your daughter is going through is to hear it from her and start a conversation where it feels safe to be vulnerable. You may not have struggled with anxiety, but I’m sure you’ve struggled with something at some point in your life. Maybe start by being vulnerable yourself and that might make it easier for her to open up about her experience. Best of luck to you and your daughter.❤️ Cassidy

[6ixtyon1 in reply to ctmartin]

You are spot-on! Esp. about the driving...I've always hated driving, and I avoid those very things that you mention, because my blood pressure soars, and I feel trapped and attacked...ugh.

There use to be a nation-wide support group for folks with driving anxiety...I need to look that up, again, and see if there are any local chapters where I am.

Thank you for your super explanations!

[Calm_mama]

Hi!

Check out the resources on my profile if you like. They helped me understand both my daughter's and my own anxiety. Wishing you all the best

[kalinevada]

Try showing her this website while drinkin hot cocoa!!

[Anxietyst]

This things about trying to make things perfect I had it too, in my family it was the Results that mattered only, and not the journey of trying to handle those issues.

That made me want to have an exact result or not try at all if it seemed like to much for me to handle, which also created a lot of pressure knowing I will disappoint if I won't do it, which will put all of the pressure on how to deal with all the problems at once making a mountain after a molehill.

Some reassurance that you will still be by her side even if she does not get the result she thinks people want would probably help and then analyze where the pressure is coming from.

[Iwanttohelpher7 in reply to Anxietyst]

Thank you so much

[mer8]

Calm_mama has some great resourcs on her page.

I am an adult that suffers horribly from anxiety and panic attacks. My mom is my #1 source of help. We found this book a few years back and she works through it with me and it seems to give both of us a better understanding of what's going on. It's called "The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook" by Edmund J. Bourne, Ph.D.

It was tough to get used to hanging out with my mom and going through a workbook like this but it truly helped in the end. Even if your child won't go through the book with you it will still give you a better understanding and some good coping skills.

[Calm_mama in reply to mer8]

That's awesome mer8!

I agree- if parents/friends/family get a good understanding of anxiety, it can completely change their language and approach to support and encouragement. In a highly effective way. Just one example- we talk about anxiety as a separate, distinct thing. It's not "Are you afraid of driving to the store?" It's, "Your anxiety is telling you it's not safe to drive to the store?" That distinction makes a huge difference in helping the sufferer perceive what's going on in the mind. There's so much more that can help support your daughter when you (mom) start understanding things better. Check out the materials! And the workbook that mer8 mentions! There are a few more out there probably worth their weight in gold that I still have to thoroughly vet before I add them to my profile- DARE; The Anxiety guy podcasts...highly recommended by some other members who really seem to be benefitting.

But I must must must recommend Dr. Claire Weekes above all others. She was the anxiety genius. If I may be so bold- check her stuff out first Happy Thanksgiving

[Iwanttohelpher7 in reply to mer8]

Thank you so much. I’m getting this workbook ASAP. Willing to try anything. Thanks