Depression, Marriage and Birthdays

[Elmwoodman]

Well today is my wife's birthday. We've hardly talked in a month and we have stopped couples therapy. I told her that I am not capable of continuing working in our marriage until I fix myself and can make a rational decision as to whether the marriage problems are due to the depression or the depression is a result of the marriage. I'm actively going to therapy, going to yoga classes to try to relax and even researching facilities to go away for 2-3 weeks to try to get help and answer that question.

So what should I do about the birthday? I thought she was going to go out of town to a vacation house as I think we both want to ignore it. But she didn't. I don't want to give the wrong impression that I'm trying to make up for something by doing dinner or gifts. She always complains about what ever I give her anyway. I've never been good at shopping or thoughtful gifts and usually do spa gift certs or things like that that she does anyway. Same with me, I'd rather get myself something rather that get something I really don't want anyway.

Sorry for the rant, just looking for opinions.

Thanks all!

[fauxartist]

I think the honest thing to do would be to do nothing at this point. Your already not talking and have expressed your probably not going to move forward with the marriage. I will say one thing though....your marriage didn't cause your depression. Depression is a disease, it's chemical, it's not yours or anyone's fault. However.... the marriage and you would certainly be effected by your depression. And your best bet is to do what you have already done, let her know you have to get yourself worked out, and if I were you...don't string her along....it sounds pretty clear your marriage is over no matter what. Make the break clean and start planning for your future treatment without the marriage. Be diplomatic, fair, and compassionate, as she has been a big part of your life and is due some respect.

[David0987 in reply to fauxartist]

Ive had my share of relationship challenges related to depression but never during a birthday or other big day. I'm a little uncertain about it. But....What do you feel in your gut/heart for her? I hear fauxartist on not giving false hope but a simple recognition might be in order. Remember you can control or take responsibility for her feelings... if she complains or is unhappy that's her reaction and she owns it . Don't take that on because you have enough going on. Just my two cents.

[Elmwoodman in reply to David0987]

Thanks, I did tell her happy birthday but am going to forego the gifts and so on. I know depression is not her fault but I truly believe the circumstances around us like an unhappy marriage or bad family unit contributes and exacerbates it.

[fauxartist in reply to Elmwoodman]

sure it does....kind of a nature vs. nurture thing....you can have depression, it's a chemical thing in your brain, there is no cure, and you can feel sad, because of the effects this imbalance has....but add to that all the life experience stuff...yeah, it can certainly make it much worse.

[jawsfan7]

yes I agree that a simple recognition is the way to go. If you appreciate her, tell her so. I don't know if saying "i love you" would be a stretch at this point. I agree also that depression and stress exacerbate any issues that exist in a relationship. You have to love yourself before you can wholly love and support someone else.

[Elmwoodman]

Thanks everyone for your input. Survived the birthday drama and moving on day by day. Hang in there everyone!

[David0987 in reply to Elmwoodman]

Oops meant to type you "can't " control or have her feelings for her.... I think you got the essense though. Best of luck on this journey. We're here

[Flip00008]

Hey! Sorry this is going on. I know you have a lot going on and glad to see you got through the birthday stuff. I just want you to know that I am praying for the both of you.