My story

[DGCM]

Hi everyone.

I'm new to this. I have never reached out to any kind of help but I felt it was about time since my depression is more obvious and worse now more than ever. So here's a bit of my story.

I have always felt sad in some way or another, but it would usually come and go. I mostly blamed it on my hormones (period and all). But now I KNOW it's depression and it has been growing slowly inside of me for a long time. I was pregnant with twin girls this last Christmas. The same day I was delivering them, they died inside of me. I can still see the doctor while I was laying down, she was holding my babies with a terrified face, not knowing how to tell me the news. That face haunts me. The first month after that I felt I was doing better each week. But now it's been 7 months and I've been having suicidal thoughts. I know I won't do it. I have a son and I would never abandon him. But the sadness inside of me consumes me. It physically hurts me. My chest feels literally empty. I go to school, do my homework, study, I do everything around the house like a normal healthy person would. Except that while I shower, or I drink my coffee, I feel I'm drowning, and I wanna cry, and then I cry like a little 5 year old. I have no family here. I'm all alone, except for my fiance. Who I don't wanna talk to about this. He doesn't say much besides "I'm sorry you're going through this, I'm here for you, get an appointment with a therapist". I'm not sure what exactly I wanna hear. Besides this, I have a little bit of self esteem issues, and I stress because I hate depending economically on my fiance. But I'm working on finishing my degree. Writing helps me organize my feelings and understand them. I've lost interest in everything. I will see my doctor and ask to be referred to a therapist because I know I need professional help. But I also wanted to share this information with you all who are, in Some way or another having the same feelings I have. I want to connect with people who can understand my pain, and who knows, maybe make a friend or two and support each other. Thank you for all of you who took the time to read my story.

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Welcome to the site hun, loosing your babies i don't think there's any pain in the world worse than this one and im sorry for your lost, the first step is seeing a therapist it will do you good. Again welcome 💙

[NCAQuilter]

I am really heartbroken to hear about your twins. Even though I lost a twin, I can't imagine the sorrow you're experiencing. I hope the people here can help walk you through your pain.

Have you asked your doctor about postpartum depression? Many women experience this, even when they deliver healthy babies. I think it is a hormonal mix up, and is treatable with today's medical knowledge. If you add this to your grief, it is a potent combination. Both need to be addressed. Ask your doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist. After you are evaluated, ask for a referral to a therapist.

I really care about you, and wish to keep in touch. The fact that you have reached out is a major step in moving through this period in your life.

[DGCM in reply to NCAQuilter]

Thank you. I made the decision to talk to a professional this weekend. So tomorrow my first thing on the list is to call and make an appointment. At the beginning I didn't think I had depression because of the loss of my girls. I thought it was just the grieving process. But it doesn't get better, just worse. To the point where I show signs of severe depression. I guess in some way I was a little ashamed of asking for help. Or scared... But here I am. 🤷🏻‍♀️

And I'm really sorry about your loss. There are no words...