Telling my Story

[01harley]

I haven't been on here for awhile and I wanted to tell my story. I have no idea how long this will stay up, but here goes. On Sept 17 I took an overdose of morphine. It all happened so quick. I had been really depressed because of family reasons and just wanted the pain to stop in my heart and my head. First there was 7 pills and then another 7 and another7, then the last 5. I remember my husband came home,early. He felt something wasn't right. I remember his voice so scared and crying asking why. I dont remember to much just bits and pieces for the first 3 days. Then reality was back and I knew what I had done. I can never forget the hurt on my husband's face. He was devastated. I stayed in the mental health unit after I got medically cleared. My days now are putting my life back together and my marriage. It wasn't worth the pain I had done to my husband, he didn't deserve this. I am 62, but I still have alot of living to do. I can't control other people. Just myself. Someone reached down to the pit of darkness to bring me back. I believe I am meant to go on. All of my dr are new and I like that. It's a fresh start. I am so grateful to be typing this now. Thank you

[kenster1]

hi im really glad your here to tell your story.i hope its a shining light to others feeling the same as you did.certain times we feel like we have exhausted all options to the point of no return.i know exactly how you feel as it happened to me.my life was actually at the beginning of the other side I had slipped away but then all I remember was my chest being shocked and being violently sick and my sister and dad standing beside me.it should have been a wake up call but it wasn't not then anyway.you deserve to be here and you and your husband deserve to have each other and livee many more happy years together.im glad your here.

[01harley in reply to kenster1]

Thank you. Yes there is so much to life to look forward too. In therapy I learned the word acceptance. It was a word that changed my way of thinking. Accepting that I can't control others was a turn for me.

[Agora1]

Hi Harley, I was wondering why I hadn't seen you on this site for a while.

I'm so sorry it came down to a devastating act. But am grateful that you

did get the help you needed and realize that you have a lot of living to do yet.

You were given a second chance for a reason. Let that reason be known to

yourself and those you love. I'm so so happy to see you back. We're here to

support your new beginning. Life is Good xx

[01harley in reply to Agora1]

Thank you. Life can be good. I know look at things and it's like the first time seeing them. I am prepared and plan to do whatever it takes to enjoy the life I have left. Good to hear from you!

[kenster1]

I wish I learned from it then or even had a site like this to talk about it on.i was lucky thinking about it now makes me realise it a little more.

[01harley in reply to kenster1]

This site and the people on it or great. Just talking and sharing is a good thing.

[AZ1970]

You are brave to share this. I hope it doesn't get taken down because we all need to hear about what this did to your husband. He obviously loves you. I am glad you are feeling better. Welcome back.

[fauxartist]

I for one am glad you are here my friend. And one thing I'm gonna tell you is this: we have a disease....it's not our fault...we didn't ask for this and sometimes it just kicks our butt. We cannot help it when total despair grips us and we become suicidal....we are so sick and in such a dark place..that all we want is for it to stop...many or us, more that will or want to admit it....have been where you are.... so please.... forgive yourself.... and stop feeling any guilt for something you just lost control over because you have no control over depression..... your husband is just glad your here.... and that is where you need to be around this... in the here and now. What's done is done and over with. You cannot drag around regrets or guilt.... it's toxic to us staying well.

I love you my friend....and am always here....you know that....always have an ear....

[01harley in reply to fauxartist]

Thanks so much. I am living in the here and now. I woke up a few days ago and suddenly felt strong. I now know what is important in life and what isn't. Guilt is a heavy load and I am dropping it day by day. You are a true friend!

[fauxartist in reply to 01harley]

that's the emotional roller coaster ride...and I hate it....but it's just how it is for me. And when we do have those good days....I wish I could hold onto them and know when I do feel in the dark, that there is light at the end of it....sometimes I can....

[viiexplorer]

Can definitely relate as I too was in a similar situation. Thank you for sharing your story, and I do hope you find solace in knowing there are other people who knew what you went through. You're not alone.

[fauxartist]

I am just going to throw something out there, and I know it may sound like something out of left field...but.... have you ever thought of a support group for addiction.....in other words... I fought addiction as well as alcoholism.... and also of course CPTSD, etc. etc.... and there were a couple of groups that helped me incredibly to get clean and also deal with my abandonment issues, and my childhood abuse...which was sexual,physical, and emotional abuse. I went to a group called ACOA... which says children from alcoholics, but it also covers people from dysfunctional family's. There was an Incest survivors, and a sexual abuse survivors group as well. But the NA group was what got me clean.... because addiction is addiction no matter who gives you the drugs... and being in a support group with others who are trying to recover from addiction can be incredibly helpful. Many are trying to kick 'mothers little helpers' that their family doctor got them hooked on. The family doctor is no different than the drug dealer on the corner if they are giving you addictive drugs and not offering you alternatives that are not addictive.

[fauxartist]

I am also a recovering addict, and I have been in recovery for over 3 decades so I'm pretty sure the difference between addiction and denial...and pills from the doctor or off the street, whether prescription or from a dealer, that are addictive like codeine, morphine, benzo's, oxy...and so on...are considered in Narcotics Anonymous ...an addiction if you have an addictive nature and are addicted to any drug that is addictive in nature. All benzodiazepines have a great risk of tolerance, dependence, and addiction, but Klonopin is among the most addictive.