Head spinning

[Penguinlover09]

I havent posted in a while. I have been dealing with depression and my eating issues. My eating has gotten out of control. I am purging everything I eat- I wake up thinking about it and go to bed planning it. Which then makes the depression worse. I keep thinking what the hell is wrong with me. Why am I so sad. Logically I know deep down I wasnt happy, I was drained. Logically I know we didnt really have a life together. Logically I know I have more people in my life now than I did when I was with him. I know all this but Im still so fricken sad about it. It just hurts so much and I dont know what to do to make it go away. None of this is fair. I was the one who put in effort and fought for the relationship and made sacrifrices. Yet I am the one left and hurting when he just gets up and walks away without a scratch. I dont want to seek revenge but damn I wish he would have a consequence for all the pain he has caused me and my son.

My son...thats also a source of sadness for me. I am the type of person who wants a solution right away and this I dont have a solution. I dont know how to take his pain away. I dont know how to help him. I dont know if I am doing enough. I dont know if I am doing the right thing. I feel like I am sabotaging but everyone says I am not. I was always so confident in the things I said and did in regards to my parenting and now I have no fricken idea on what I am doing. And that terrifies me.

His dad didnt call him all week. They talked on Monday when my son called him and it was for a min or two then my son stopped trying and his dad hasnt attempted any communication. On Thursday my son called him to tell him that he didnt want to go over his house this weekend because he wasnt feeling good. His dad said ok-this caused his dad to finally try to talk again. He has been calling him everyday since. The phone calls are still only 1-2 mins long and he called him last night to yell at him about medicine-he told his dad that we didnt have medicine so his dad went out and dropped some off for him, for me then to text him that we did have medicine so he called to yell at him for "lying" but I am who I am and I overthink everything so now im obsessing on why the change why the calls now and the effort of brining over medicine. Is he trying, is reality setting in, is he regretting things?

This weekend I was a mess because I just kept thinking he probably took his new girlfriend out on Friday since he didnt have our son. And its just not fair because I begged to go out and he literally never took me. And I know it will stop its not who he is. but it still hurts knowing that she is getting a version of him that I asked for and never recieved. How come I wasnt good enough for any effort? Then I try to look at it logically=its not me. He doesnt even put in effort for our son so clearly its not me. Its a him issue.

I dont know my head is just spinning, I feel like I was thrown out and replaced. I feel like I have to pick up all the pieces when I am not the one who broke it. and I feel like I cant find all the peices because my heart is completely shattered and I DONT KNOW WHY. That relationship still meant something to me. I am so scared that this will be his happily ever after and I am the one who is going to end up alone the rest of my life. I always dreamt of growing old with someone and I thought I had that and now I have to start all over at 35 with a child, and I work from home and dont drive. I just feel like my life is just going to be like this from now on.

[CLB1125]

hugs to you. Give yourself some grace. I was married before this one. But I didn’t have any children with him. It still hurts because you loved him. But you can’t make someone love you back. You are probably right, the new will fade away with his new gf and he will probably treat her the same way he treated you. Or maybe they are compatible and you two didn’t have the right chemistry. Either way, you have to accept that it’s over. Now you have to give yourself some self care and look to the future. Work on making yourself feel happy again. I know it’s easy for others to say but you can do it. Have you considered therapy for you and your son together? Maybe making him your priority right now will help you not think about your ex. Find things he’s interested in and try to do stuff together. You will find happiness again. You are worthy of it.

[Penguinlover09 in reply to CLB1125]

We are both in individual therapy. And we have been doing lots of things together-puzzles, painting, legos. Etc

[CLB1125 in reply to Penguinlover09]

That’s great. It takes time to get over a relationship. But you will. Be kind to yourself.

[Penguinlover09 in reply to CLB1125]

I just feel like I should be farther than I am since it’s been 4 months already

[CLB1125]

that’s not very long. You are still finding your footing. Take each day as it comes. It’s like grieving someone who passed away. It’s a process. There is no time limit.

[Penguinlover09 in reply to CLB1125]

thank you! My family keepy putting pressure on me saying things like "how or why are you still so upset?" so I guess Im beating myself up over it because of that but 4 months compared to 12 years i guess it not long at all

[Lifesearching]

hey🥺💞I remember you posting from before, I hope you don’t judge urself too hard with the eating, you are going thru a lot🙏🏽💔the initial stages of breakups are freaking painful, wondering what the ex partner is up to, especially the fact it seems he just moved on so fast would make me anxious, sad, and depressed also. I remember months after my ex left and moved out he just kept messaging me every other month. Because I was so heartbroken I saw this as him missing me but he was seeing other women while making sure I didn’t move on from him. I promise you even if it appears he’s moved on, you’ll be the one to get the last laugh in the long run💞

[Penguinlover09 in reply to Lifesearching]

yes the constant thoughts about him and his new girlfriend I cant just stop thinking about it. I feel like I was thrown out and replaced so quickly like I meant nothing. Everything about this situation hurts and everything I am trying to do to get better isnt working. Thats what I talked about in therapy today on why I am engaging in eating disorder behaviors and she said it totally makes sense that I relapsed because its a way to cope. And its not just one thing I am trying to heal from. I am trying to heal from a breakup, from being left for someone else, from being cheated on. From learning how to be a single mom. Its a lot. I just feel disappointed and that I disappointed everyone. When I told my mom about my relapse she said "oh my name...you cant do this, your going to lose everything again and youve come so far" but I cant help it.

[Lifesearching in reply to Penguinlover09]

No what would drive me nuts too🥺I remember one weekend (being alone after my ex moved out) just wondering if he’d text or call me, he never did and it hurt so deep bcuz I knew deep down he was spending time with another girl. But the week before he had been messaging claiming he missed me and sending old me pictures of old memories of us. He was super manipulative now that I look back. I “saved my heart” for his “return”. I always thought he’d change his kinda don come back to me but looking back I’m so thankful he didn’t and I know you’ll feel the same later on!’🙏🏽💞I’m always here to talk if you need because during my breakup I had no one and didn’t even know what therapy was. My friends all disappeared on me because I lost everything. And to be fair you didn’t disappoint anyone by being a good person and committing fully to someone who treated you badly💔my life is no where near perfect now, but I’m hoping by sharing and talking you can knock years off your healing

[Penguinlover09 in reply to Lifesearching]

Yessss I think I’m still holding on to hope that he’ll change his mind and come back begging for forgiveness claiming it was a mistake and he didn’t try let him try now. But logically I don’t think that will ever happen. So now I’m hanging on to hoping they break up because than at least I’ll know it was mistake. I just wish I could understand it. I really don’t know what went wrong everything was fine then it wasn’t and he just upped and left. I tried talking to him to get closure and he just said he didn’t want to talk to me about it and that “it’s not a normal” conversation to have.

[Lifesearching in reply to Penguinlover09]

That guy is a true manipulator😢💔from the outside he could have really done it where he made you think everything is fine so he could hide his betray. It’s completely normal he’s gaslighting u💔🥺this is going to take time but I have faith life will be amazing for you when the storm goes away. It’s like when toxic friends leave your life and your life weirdly but in a good way gets better little by little after the healing from their actions toward you

[Penguinlover09 in reply to Lifesearching]

Oh he’s conflict avoidant and emotional avoidant too