Can't let go

[Molldoll14]

My on and off again boyfriend of 3 years is finishing up his degree and will graduate in 3 weeks. I haven't seen him in about 2 months and we are currently "off" due to his busy and high stress schedule. He is working, going to class and dealing with the stress of graduation, good grades, and his family life; he doesn't have the capability of dealing with my stress as well. He knows I struggle with anxiety and depression daily and I often vent my worries to him and I think that began to be too much for him to handle on top of everything else he has going on. I hurts that he needed to take a break from us because we have been through so many ups and downs and I feel like a part of me deserves better and someone who will be there for me no matter what. The other part of me wants to empathize with him and his situation because he hasn't always had the best home life and graduating and transitioning to the next part of his life is a REALLY big deal for him. I think about him daily and want to reach out to him and just make things 'ok' again but I know if I do, he'll only be able to give me 50% of himself right now, or at least until he is graduated in 3 weeks. I don't know what to do. I'm the type of person who likes things resolved immediately, so waiting another 3 weeks is so so hard for me to think to do. I'm not sure if if I should just do my own thing and be patient until I see him at his graduation or if I should just move on. I can't handle break after break with him and this has been going on for 3 years. Every time his life becomes too stressful, he wants to take a break.

[HearYou]

Hello Molldoll 14.

The affairs of the heart are difficult sometimes, as what one wants and what is wise or realistic often aren't the same. You have wisely raised very good questions....whether to move on or to wait three weeks and then decide whether to move on....or see if he feels he needs to move on.

Your expectations may be too high to expect him to be there for you 100% as your main support system every day. He probably can't handle that now. He is hoping to be able to take some deep breaths and chill for awhile.

Following his graduation will most likely come with other new demands to replace the ones of attending school....a new, better and maybe more stressful job , and his family and others demands will always occur. Thats life.

If you have a therapist, perhaps do some work during the next few weeks with her/him. A permanent relationship, whether that is marriage or other commitment, takes work to succeed.

He may just be too tired from the pressure of the last three years from all the demands he's had, and needs to decompress for awhile. He may not be in any realistic condition to consider your expectations of having him 100%. He may be supportive, but he can't be your therapist and "problem listener" 100% too. He's already shown that to you during the last three years.

He only has so much to give and be responsible for. People need ways to refill their strength and support given to other people, work, family issues and life in general. Will you be able to do that for him now?

So, take the next few weeks to give yourself a chance to look around and find alternatives to your expectations that he will be able to give you 100%. What have you done for yourself to develop a support system to listen to your challenges and daily issues without him?

Maybe instead of greeting his graduation and your reunion, with replacing your needs for the pressure he just ended from attending school, adjust your 100% expectations. Strengthen your other support arsenal. Hes's not only going to able to fill your expectations, he is going to need your support.

You may be able to show him that the two of you can make together. If he sees you have other outlets and resources for your needs, and can offer being the "listener" on his bad days, he may feel more comfortable in renewing your relationship. You must remember he and you are not the same people you were three years ago. That's just life.

My wishes for happy life and that your relationship works , but only if it is really the best for you and him. XXx

[Molldoll14 in reply to HearYou]

I appreciate you taking the time to reply. I know at times I was definitely overwhelming him my issues and it took me awhile to realize that but I also have been his support system as well. He does not have a very healthy family life and I have become the person he has vented to regarding those issues. I love listening and helping him with his problems and just hoped for vice versa. But like you said right now with everything going on realistically it just isn't possible for that. But also like you said, after graduation there is likely to be other things that will come up in life that will cause him to stressed again and whose to say that won't make him want another break. I love him and want to see him happy and successful and want to be his support system but I just think the timing isn't on our side. I need to learn to be less codependent and destress in other ways than just venting to him. I do have a therapist and a great group of friends that support me so I should utilize them more. But also, he does need to learn to time management and prioritize and right now it just doesn't sound like he is capable of that. It's sad because i feel like i have so much love to give and have invested so much of myself that I don't want to let go but I think it might be the right thing to do for right now. Or at least until I see him Dec 15 at graduation.

I will keep you updated after graduation if you would like

[Vrt14]

Hi, I have been dealing with the same thing and roughly for about 3 years as well. He has chosen to live a life full of stress. Works overtime, goes to school and gym. I don't approve of this hectic lifestyle and I'm pretty sure soon he will have major health problem because of that.

Every time when I move on and start dating someone else, he won't leave me alone. He texts me every day how much he loves me and I still have feelings for him so I go back to him every time...

See, you're not alone. I know several women who have given up on dating entirely. They hike alone, or with the Hiking club, go on trips and vacations alone, and are so independent and self sufficient, I wish I could be like them. Also, in the last one year three of my coworkers, all of them in their early 50-ies became widows because their husbands dropped dead. So there's no guarantee that your happiness will last, even if you are happy with your partner. You have to always be prepared to face life alone. I was reading the book " positive Solitude " by rae andre. Have to read it again.

[Molldoll14 in reply to Vrt14]

Thank you for responding! I actually just put together a list of positivity books I want to read and I will definitely add that to my list. Currently I am reading 10% Happier By Dan Harris and I really like it!

I think it's important like you said that being in a relationship doesn't guarantee happiness and I think I need to start thinking that way more. I have been with guys that I knew I wasn't happy with and was able to walk away no problem, but with this one it's just different. The minute I met him I knew we were going to be together eventually, I didn't believe at love at first sight until that moment. But I think like you and Hearyou said- my happiness should come first and then focus on the happiness of my relationships. I struggle a lot with self love for some reason.

And it sounds like with your guy he is really conflicted with what he wants. I think it is all about priorities, if someone really wants you in their life then they will make the time and effort to see you. I feel like I make excuses for mine since he is working, full time student and 3 hours from me but i feel like how hard is a daily phone call and seeing each other on the weekends then? Idk that is why I am so conflicted. I just feel like if a guy really wants to be with you, he will do what it takes to get you and keep you and honestly that's what we both deserve. I think you should tell your guy that going back and forth with you is really taking a toll on you and he needs to make up his mind. It's not fair to you to be upset by things ending with him and finally get to the point where you are just about over him and then him come back and say that he loves you and wants to be with you. That's not right to do to someone, especially someone you love. Be strong and communicate your wants and needs from him and if he can't make up his mind then that speaks for itself. That is what I am going to do with my guy. We have been together for 3 years, if you don't know if you want to be with me then I need to move on.

I haven't spoken to my ex since he called me saying he was a mess because he dad was arrested but he did want to me to come to thanksgiving and his graduation and I plan on going to the graduation dec 15. I think having that time to think about what I want will be good and it can either be a new start for us or closure.

If you want after graduation I can update you with what happened.

Stay strong and like you said just know that so many girls are in our same shoes and we just have to pick up the pieces and keep going.

[Vrt14]

Yes please give us an update. Hugs 💕

[Molldoll14 in reply to Vrt14]

Figured I would update you now. I decided to not go to his graduation ( Dec 15th) and that it would be best for me to move on. He said he doesn't know what his future holds and doesn't want to plan it out and for me that was a deal breaker. 3 years with someone, you should want to start planning a future together. I was upset at first but I know I am making the right decision.