Shame shitstorm, trying to let go

[pianotime]

Hi everyone, so I am struggling. It's been a couple of difficult days after a conversation with someone I am technically working with. This woman is "helping" me with fundraising for a project I care very much, but she is going about it all the opposite way I would. But instead of acknowledging our differences, she pushed all my buttons. She made negative remarks on my status (I'm single, after leaving a long-term abusive partner and several attempts to other relationships) and on my look: I know all the things she says are triggers for me and also just typical of abusers, but it still hurts. This deeply sadden me and gives me that unpleasant feeling that I cannot trust myself because I did not properly react to her. What do you guys do when/if you ever find yourself in this situation?

[hypercat54]

Hi this is very difficult as I have been in that situation too. I can usually think of good responses afterwards! I would rehearse a few put downs if she starts again. For example what has your single status got to do with your fundraising. If she is in a relationship say you are so grateful to be single at the moment and don't envy her at all. If she persists one good way is to say firmly that the fact you are single is not a topic for debate. I did this recently when 'friends' started taking the mickey about me going back to smoking after I had given up. It worked and they have never done it again. x

[pianotime in reply to hypercat54]

Thank you- very practical advice: writing down is a good practice. I guess I was taken by surprise and as always, I also can only think of appropriate responses afterwards. It is hard. It takes practice to get out. But you are right: who I am is not a topic for debate. Much love

[hypercat54 in reply to pianotime]

Love to you too. It is difficult when others start being nasty like this but at least you can make a plan on what to say when she starts. Assertiveness is the key and don't give her a reaction as that is probably what she is looking for. Remember you haven't got to explain or justify yourself to anyone - only yourself.

Or tell her to take a hike, or a long walk off a short pier! xx

[pianotime in reply to hypercat54]

Thanks! A very long walk on a very short pier...

[TaraPH]

Be honest with her. Tell her that you want to talk - away from interuptions and prying eye. Tell her how her actions make you feel. Use "I" words. Tell her "when you say"... "I feel"... I have always found it feels so good to get it off your chest. If she reacts badly than thats on her. You will feel releaved and hopefully more powerful for standing up for yourself. Remember the person who is looking out for you most should be the chick in the mirror.

[pianotime in reply to TaraPH]

very true. Not easy, but powerful. The struggle I am going through is also "post" attack: I feel ashamed I did not react and I have a hard time being compassionate with myself. But it's only in me to pull myself out, so thank you for stressing this.

[Hidden]

What a bummer!!! It is so hard to figure out how to respond when getting our buttons pushed. I love hypercat's "I am so grateful to be single at the moment and I don't envy you at all." It sounds like being single right now is a smart idea. It will allow you to get to know yourself, what your dreams are, what makes you feel fulfilled. I think figuring out positive things about your own buttons can help them become "unpushable". In a completely backward way she is helping point out where you can change your thinking about yourself that would make a big difference to you. Use that information to get rid of a couple of your buttons.

Also, you are you. I want you to be able to trust yourself. Who knows you better than yourself? Don't expect to be able to handle everything that is thrown at you right away. If you've survived a long-term abuser, you've ended up with lots of buttons - things people say that aren't even true will be hard for you. You can do this one day at a time! One button at a time. Love yourself a little more each day, that is how you learn to trust yourself. Throw shame away.

[Michdau1 in reply to Hidden]

GREAT advice!!! X