Broken relationship failing life style

[Raiden]

Dealing with anxiety from the moment i wake up for work i hide it the best i can so nobody judges me. I attempted suicide by slitting my wrist this time last year. I had no job and no self worth. Since then i have worked my way up to a superviser position and make really good money. I met a beautiful Women that had similar experience we fell in love and moved into geather untill her son got on drugs and was in trouble with a gang. She shut off completely to me and for weeks was depressed until she flew back to her country. It ended not long after as she couldn't feel anthing for me or in genral. I held my shit togeather hoping it would work out and wanting to help her the best i could. Its 2 months down the track now and i am faiding more and more each day i cant get her out of my head and how happy we were and why it has come to this. I have seen doctors and the rest but i cant escape my own thoughts. I have bn drinking to dull the pain at night but it comes back ten fold the next day. I couldnt go to work today because i was still drunk and im worried i might get fired as its the third time in three weeks which is making me crazy anxious. I was contemplating suicide earlyer as i cant see ever being as happy as i was with her and being so healthy. I need to get over her but i dont want to give up hope that she might come good. I dont want to alarm my friends and family because it makes me paranoid. Im trying my best to keep positive but i just want to give up which is scary because i know i can work myself up to end it. This is the lowest i have bn so far and i cant sleep or eat. I have to work tomorrow and im so worried if i lose my job i will hit rock bottom and wont b able to escape the thoughts. What do i do ive had time off already for personal leave? Do i hold on hope that she comes around or do i let go? I know most of the dealing techniques as i pulled myself up and out last year im just not handling myself very well as far as being happy or friendly. I wish i didnt have this and i dont think it will go away its even taken over my dreams.. i dont want meds because i have an addictive personality and i hate thinking ill b a zombie the rest of my life. Any suggestions would b greatly appreciated. There is more in my family life but that would take to long. I have a fear of abondanment so i dont like letting ppl i know to close. I hope someone can help

[fauxartist]

okay.... I hear what your saying and I will give you my 2 cents worth on this... the relationship got side-lined with her son's issues. When a parent has a kid in trouble and they are overwhelmed with grief and worry.... it destroys a relationship usually if it's fairly new one.... it's rare any relationship could survive this... So your not alone with this, and it was not your fault, and there really wasn't anything else you could have done. As long as this gal has this son in trouble....she won't be able to commit or entertain a relationship with someone, and frankly.... I know you don't see it now.... but this is probably the best thing for you to get out of it now... it's a painful dead end. You are not the problem...the kid was. You cannot go back... there is nothing to go back to.... so you should probably talk to your boss tomorrow and explain what's going on in general terms and see what they can do for you.... then if I were you I would talk to a counsellor, therapist, find a group therapy of others going through grief and learning to let go....this time in your life is difficult, but it's not a good reason to stop living..... the next relationship that comes along, after you have gotten some help, and pulled yourself back together will more than likely be even better because you know now what does not work.

I will say this...and it's not a judgement... I have been in recovery from alcohol for a few decades now...and the first thing my therapist asked of me was 24 hours of sobriety. It saved my life.... I know it's hard to reason right now... but alcohol is a depressant and drinking while depressed is the worst thing you could do. I'm glad your sharing and am open to talking to you about this any time.

[Raiden in reply to fauxartist]

Thanx for the response very well said. Yes i knew the kids would always come first not so much it would end so suddenly. The hardest thing is i worry for her and her well being. I wanted to help her through i guess i wanted to b the man she deserves but she shut down completly. I keep thinking what ifs. What if i flew to her to see her. What if i sent her money to help. I know its not the worst thing to happen in the world but i finaly let my guard down to someone 100% and i could see such a bright future for the first time in 10 years and in two weeks it was gone. DRINKING needs to stop i know its evil and im not in the right head space to handle it. I have let myself go and if i dont find some happyness ill b fucked. Im not sure. She did love me so much she went out of her way to show it. Ive just lost hope for a happy healthy life which i worked so hard to get and now im walking on a edge. I feel mentaly weak because ive had to b strong for so long i just know its going to b long time until i can get back my self worth.

[fauxartist in reply to Raiden]

look .... sadly this is a no go for you in my humble opinion as I have been through a couple of relationships... I'm in my mid sixties.... and each one... there were only a few, but each one was a learning experience... and I learned what I didn't want in a relationship for the most part....but love is a fickle mistress, and affairs of the heart can change on a dime because of some un-foreseen events within any relationship. And I am afraid to say that any attempt's at trying to help right now will just delay the inevitable. When we keep looking back at the closed door... we will miss the one that is opening up for us in front of us. Now I am not advocating AA as a cure all.... but for support in your life for right now.... it could be a game changer for you... there are men's groups that meet all different times, and places every day of every week. I would say it's a good start and from there other supports and opportunity's will surely spring....it's going to take time to mend a broken heart.... but getting together with others dealing with the same kinds of things will give you a lift you could not even imagine.... I'm glad your sharing here... it always helps me a lot ....

[Raiden in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you i appreciate your time. I will find a meeting its easyer talking with a stranger. One day at a time again. If i can be better ill get better i just have to egnore that voice telling me im a failure. Take care mate thanx

[fauxartist in reply to Raiden]

your far from being a failure in my book...you were willing to go the extra mile and then some for someone you loved, even during a complicated time, not many people have that kind of decency today... you have a dual diagnoses possibly both depression and alcoholism... it's what I have and then some... we just have to not drink... we can't do it alone....and since your going through a terrible emotional time... you need the guys in meetings to support you... there is no shame, or blame, or guilt... it's not your fault.... any of this... all you wanted to do was love someone... and life happened, it's out of yours or any ones control.... your gonna get past this, but it's gonna take time. I started program decades ago.... it got me sober.... since then I have found therapy and other ways to deal with my depression....so too will you... hang in there buddy and keep sharing.... it's what helps me....

[pink318]

Hi Raiden,

I’m sorry you are having a tough time. We are here for you, you are not alone.

Counselling and support group can be a big help in your recovery. Try to connect with a local church for some men’s group and you can also try to speak with their Pastor. A support group that you can meet regularly in person can help you not to feel isolated and feel less lonely. I have friends who are facing difficulties and a support group had been a big contribution to their healing.

I hope you will feel better soon and you will overcome depression. Please don’t lose hope. I pray that all things will go well with you. Take care.