I work in tech support for local government. I have a ten year old, amazing girl and we live with my boyfriend in this cute apartment that we love in a nice town. My life has turned into something I could not have ever imagined.
But I don't have friends, my family is a wreck. And I have a panic disorder that no one understands. No one can talk me through the attacks, which makes them worse. My incredible boyfriend has reached his limit, it seems, and is shutting down.
I don't know what to do. I make friends easily, sure, but not the kind of friends that you can say a key word to and they coach you out of the darkness. I don't have anyone like that, and that scares me. I do as much on my own as I can. I'm currently between therapists, waiting another two months for an appointment with a psychiatrist. Meanwhile I hate that I have this thing that makes me difficult to love and impossible to support. The fact that no one can handle this with me is terrifying.
That's why I'm here. I can't put this on my boyfriend anymore, at least not right now. "I've never done this before," he says. But his body language and facial expressions, voice, EVERYTHING screams "I can't do this, what have I done, why are we together" and I can't handle that.
I need support, so I came here.
How does this work? How do you maintain loving relationships with people that you know can only handle you on the surface?
Somebody, anybody. Say something. Thank you.
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purplehaize
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I feel this exact same way with my husband. I can tell he is just getting tired of me constantly nagging or needing reassurance but I can't help it. I don't have panic attacks I just worry constantly about things that will probably never even happen. I can relate though when you say you can tell your boyfriend is getting fed up. I feel so much the same with my husband. I have never been on any medication so I am talking to my doctor about that now. I'm sorry I don't have better advice for you, just know you're not alone!
It can be so tough. I try to give him as much time in between the attacks as I can, and I talk myself out of most of the daily worries. I try to only bring him what I truly can't carry, but I guess that's more than I thought it was.
Bubbles, that's my answer. Little bubbles of days where you smile and laugh and remind them why they're with you without saying a word about it. Today I'm using Bitmojis in texts because they look so cute and happy. I don't know what else to do.
Take care and good luck to you. I hope you find some relief. <3
Thanks! Giving my husband time away from me when I know I have been very needy seems to help him. But it makes it difficult for me until he comes back around to being him normal self just like it does for me to. It just stinks!
Yes it does! And it can cause resentment. When I have to pull back because I recognize that he can't handle it, my affection afterwards is almost passive aggressive. It feels like lightening up the expectations of a child. And that's not right.
Yep, I know exactly what you mean! I have to really try hard to just walk away and get myself together so I don't cause any more problems. Then I feel super guilty once I realize it's usually my fault there is tension between us. I'm also a really confrontational person and it just does not help at all when I am feel anxious
honesty is paramount.....however...your right...he probably can't handle it in the way you need help....the best thing to do is all the internet homework you can....and tell him that you love him, and wish you could explain it to him, this isn't his or your fault, nobody did anything to cause this and it isn't anything he can fix, and nor do you want him to feel guilty because he can't. But mostly that you love him for caring and your doing your best to work on this for every ones sake as you want all of you happy.
I found one website that might give you some pointers and hopefully be a bit helpful.
Hi maybe he doesn't know what to do and just feels helpless? Don't forget men have a built in I can fix it attitude but he can't fix this so gets frustrated instead. If you could tell him how he can help you even if it's just ignoring and walking away then I am sure equilibrium will soon be restored. x
Thank you. The scary part of this for me was that I opened up this time and told him what helps. I said "Distractions, Reminders, and Big Hugs will help me best." He didn't do these things. He did listen to me vent, but I could see it overwhelming him and every time I asked if he was ok and if this was too much, all I got was "I'm fine" (said without eye contact, in a clipped voice). When I finally told him "you're not doing the things I said I needed and you seem distant and cold," he flipped out that I was criticizing him for doing it wrong. It's just as hard for me to ask for this kind of help from a partner, so this felt very unfair.
I completely understand! For 15 years I suffered from panic attacks that literally destroyed all my relationships because I could not voice what was going on. My poor husband didn't know how to help and it was stressful and tiring. You said you are reaching out in therapy and that is good, keep it up! Have you talked with a doctor about medication, if that is something you want to do? Are there any local support groups you can join? I know that I found in talking with others who have been through my situation, it gave me hope to push forward. I want to encourage you not to fight this alone, it is impossible. If it would help, see if your BF can just hold you when you are struggling, no words, just being held can help. Also, look for ways to relax like going for a walk, taking a shower, or forcing yourself to talk through what you are feeling. These things helped me so very much. I hope you find some comfort in this, I know it is such a difficult battle. You are NOT alone, hang in there because it can and will get better.
would starting a support group or joining one around you community help? another could be having a video of him or family, with affirming words and good times? when I watch videos of my kids, dogs and husband it makes me feel much better and zone to a joyful place. Not entertaining the negative thoughts help me, and knowing and telling myself I am an overcomer! You got this
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