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Helpless and hopeless

Amelia_Pond profile image
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I'm new here. I have had major depression and bipolar since I was a teenager, though I haven't had any manic episodes (thanks to Zyprexa) since teenager. Just to be clear, I am not suicidal, no interest in self-harm (not since teenager), so no worries there. After I was kicked off my dad's insurance because I aged out, no other insurance would take me (quite a few chronic health problems) so I ended up on medicaid (still am on it). I am 34, unemployed, live with my parents. If it wasn't for my parents, I don't know how I would survive. I can't work, I am completely isolated (no friends even online), I bathe maybe every 2 or 3 weeks at the most (with help from my mom, which is truly embarrassing at 34, but without her I simply cannot make myself take care of my hair), which is the only time I change clothes/brush hair/brush teeth etc. I have a license, but am terrified of driving, so don't. I have problems with auditory processing, which makes understanding speech in all but optimal conditions very hard, then when mixed with isolation/anxiety, and as a result I HATE talking on the phone, texting, person to person online chat, anything where I can't have a long time to frame my thoughts for responses. I can do emails, posts, and sometimes face-to-face when no background noise (and if I am willing to let a person see me looking filthy, it makes me very ashamed but still can't make myself do good hygiene). This makes using help-lines not only unhelpful, but TERRIFYING!!! I am having problems remembering to pay my bills (parents willing to loan money, so missing due dates is only due to memory not money), can't keep track of appointments/med refills/pretty much anything you would expect a 34 year old with a good IQ and 2 bachelor's degrees to be able to do with ease. The only time I ever seem to be able to make myself leave the house is if I have a doctor appointment. My day is going from my bed (whenever I wake up, usually after hitting the 5 minute snooze alarm for 2 hours) to my chair and on my computer doing research until my ADHD meds wear off, then reading or watching netflix until I can fall asleep. The research isn't exactly because I enjoy it (though I used to love genealogy), it's because if I don't do something to keep my mind occupied, my ADHD goes absolutely nuts and I really might end up doing something to myself. My dad cooks dinner (healthy), other than that I eat what I can microwave/pour into a bowl/etc., if I can't find anything easy and quick I just give up until dinner. All this, and believe it or not, I thought I was coping. My mom kept on asking me if I was depressed, and i kept saying no, I don't think so, I don't feel sad. I just can't seem to have the energy to do ANYTHING, even load the dishwasher. The thought is the equivalent of climbing a mountain. Then my Dad finally wanted me to get a job. I had plenty of warning, and was very stressed (anxiety/learning disorder makes finding/learning a new job terrifying), but that is how I have felt about looking for work for over a decade, so I thought that when the date arrived, I would unhappily push through and get a job. But...then the date came, and I realized this time I literally was unable to do it. Major panic/stress attack that took over my body for almost three days, after realizing that the thought of the normal find/learn a job stresses was there, but on top of the I would actually have to be hygienic enough to be seen daily, answering the phone, interacting with others, I just CAN'T. That's when I realized that the reason I don't feel particularly sad is because I have been depressed for over ten years without proper medication or much access to psychiatrist/psychologist help in any form. I have been so sad for so long it doesn't feel sad anymore. I don't know if I am over eating or undereating any differently, because it is what I have been doing for over ten years (yes, I'm huge, but I am not gaining any and I exercise zero, so it is possible that I could be eating less). So...then I realized I really do need HELP. I know my meds aren't right, they weren't doing much for my depression ten years ago when I had neuropsychological testing by worksource, and since then the only change was that an idiot doctor at my college clinic took me completely off buproprion, simply because I was on "too many" meds. She said I couldn't stay on ADHD medication unless I started blood pressure medicine, and she wouldn't give me that unless I was willing to give up another med-she picked buproprion. I barely managed to complete my courses on the highest dose of methylphenidate possible, if I lost that I knew I would fail out of college in a week (from past experience), so no choice. Since then, I have had access to a "psychiatric nurse", who listened to all the things I said above (not showering for a month? really?) and didn't ask questions, offer help, didn't even say I needed help, then wrote me the same (not helping!) prescriptions I have been on for years and said see you in 3 months. Over and over. The other help offered was a counselor at a local Medicaid clinic--the third time I saw her she asked "Have we met?" I know they are busy, see lots of patients, but if she couldn't even look at my chart for the 30 seconds to see if she had ever seen me before, the idea that she could help me with complex psycho therapy problems is laughable. So. Now, finally, I started looking for help. First things, I need to get my psych meds straightened out. Especially the Zyprexa...don't know if I need to be on an anti-psychotic at all, it is horrible for you (I weight 275 lbs), and withdrawal from even 2.5 mg dose is unbelievably awful. Once the meds are in place (or at least someone has started help changing them), I can get on regular psychotherapy, maybe even some of the behavioral/cognitive therapies for more specific problems (years of untreated depression has given me some big problems with cognitive impairment, one of the reasons I am dying to get on antidepressants). Well, that was what I thought was going to happen. Then, my parents started making calls to try to get me help. I went to my primary care physician (who is actually a nurse, love Medicaid), to get referrals to mental health. That is when things went horribly wrong. She wanted me to go into a psych hospital. She talked to other doctors in the clinic, made lots of calls, then came back and said that I am not sucidal/cutting myself, not dangerous to others, so medicaid won't pay for a psych hospital, even for 24 hours. No, she could not get me in to see a psychiatrist (MD), there wasn't even a single psychiatrist that practiced in the county (for any amount of money). She could refer me to another psychiatric nurse...who would have the same amount of training as the last one. There wasn't really anything else she could do. We got home, my dad called medicaid, asked for a list of psychiatrists, and then called all of them. None of them actually a) had a md b) took Medicaid c) was accepting patients. We finally found a medicaid MD on the other (wealthier) side of the state who takes patients! Then found out that the state medicaid mental health system is broken into three groups of counties. The MD that could help me, wanted to help me, was not in my group. As for the MDs in my own group, multiple counties...well, there isn't an md. My options are to go back to the same clinics that have failed me. That's it. My parents can't private pay, or it's fraud. Even if I don't get sued by the government, I will be kicked off medicaid, and will lose all access to health care/medications for ANY of my health issues. At which point, I will never be able to afford the meds/doctors to get normal enough to get a job, get insurance through work, and get completely off of government benefits... WTF?? I want help from medicaid so I can get well enough to work, and instead I find out that I may have to try to get on SSI benefits, which without better care I likely will not be able to ever get off of again, because apparently that's better (cheaper??) than me getting well. So, before, I was depressed...but had the idea that when I finally wanted help, I could get it and could become at least a relatively normal, productive member of society. Now... I need the help, I want it, but apparently it doesn't exist. This is why I am feeling Helpless and Hopeless. Sorry to rant for so long, but I am very very upset, and it isn't fair to my parents to have to hear all of this (for the tenth time) when they are already so burdened by caring for me (though they don't complain, even though my mom has her own psych issues, and they are senior citizens).

1 Reply

Hi, welcome to this forum, we are all very supportive and you will see that you can relate to many posts. Is there a way you can get into an intensive outpatient program?

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