Helpless

[Nkdillon]

So what I've been feeling for over a year is helplessness. I have a mother and sister who offer help emotionally but I refuse it. I was under the care of a psychiatrist who treated me x20+ years. I recently moved to VA to care for my mother and saw a new psychiatrist who changed my meds completely.

I struggle every day with the question. ..do I overdose now or do I keep trying? I have nobody other than my mom, whose health is failing. I have no income, no friends. I'm 45 years old and I've lived a wonderful life. The past 5 years have been intolerable. If I've lived a full life....can't I give up now? It seems too overwhelming to continue

[km147]

you don't know what else you have in store for you in the future. please keep going. life is short do or find something you are passionate about. if you don't have a full time job, volunteer at a hospital, shelter, religous institution. Or find a job that you find meaningful.

[Nkdillon in reply to km147]

Thank u. I'm new to this site....having tough time navigating. I'm just really upset that a change was made in my medication and I don't feel any better after a month

[Lizbett in reply to Nkdillon]

Why was the change in meds made? Did you feel better before the change? Meds take approximately 4-6 weeks to start doing their thing so I would give it just a little more time. Please make sure that you communicate openly with your psychiatrist regarding how you're currently feeling.

[Nkdillon in reply to Lizbett]

My meds were perfect until i moved to VA and docs refused to follow my precription therapy. They say its a liability issue. For over 20 years i was taking xanax 4x day, prozaac daily and seroquel at night with a xanax for sleep. I had a great job....heavy hours but i was very functional and happy. Thrn my dad died and had to go yo VA but i returned to FL and continued my RX therapy. But then my mom suffers multiple medical problems so i moved back to VA. here is where no doctor will preacribe my RX therapy. So i was open to try a new psych doctors therapy. Good God. I was given a BP med for suddwn panic attacks. My xanax was stopped and i was given clonopin. I returnes to psych after 3 weeks complaining clonopin not effective and BP med was ineffective as well. Im tired all the time now and cant seem to get out of bed or leave house. So she added buspar????

Things arent good. Every day i think about life vs death. I hate thinking it or saying the word suicide but....who is gonna help me? Who can talk me out of the evil thoughts?

I just wanna go back tp FL and continue my RX course so i can get a jpb and care for my mom.

Anyway, thank you for reading and responding. Be well friend

[Gint]

I feel like I could have written your post. I understand how hard it can be when you feel so bad, and for so long. You are not alone. I am about your age. My psychiatrist of 18 years recently retired at age 84. It was a profound loss for me and I expect you are also grieving. My 45mother, who I live with, is also in poor health with dementia. Like you, I recently moved to a new state. I also have no income. Few friends. So I truly understand. I wish I could give you a magic fix. It sounds like 40 out of 45 years were pretty good. Try to remember the good years and what about them made you happy. Are you able to get a pet? Some days the only thing that keeps me going is my dog. Hang in there! 45 is too young. You could have another 40 good years ahead of you.

[Hopingtogetbetter in reply to Gint]

I agree with adopting a pet. I struggle a lot with depression and anxiety and although my dog isn’t an emotional support dog she does a very good dog at calming me down or letting me hug her when I’m crying. So if you can I would suggest getting a pet if you feel like you can handle it.

[Nkdillon in reply to Gint]

Very grateful you responded. It does seem we are very similar in circumstances. How do u push on?

[peaceout]

Please don't give up . . . I've wanted to many times in my younger years and am so thankful I did not. I hold on because I've come to know that life is precious no matter how hard. Your mother sounds like she's very precious to you and both of you need one another, especially now. As you care for her in poor health, reach out and allow her to give you emotional strength. That's how important and valuable we are in life and to one another as family.

Adding activities of interest and enjoyment to your daily routine can often break the monotony. Add long-forgotten hobbies, exercise, walks, pet(s), books you always intended to read, music . . . anything that can give you time for yourself.

If they were not detrimental to you, I hope you can discuss with Dr. the possibility of returning to the meds that worked for you before your move. Being in the same situation, I will bring that up to my Dr. next week although she may be reluctant to do so. I hope we are both successful. I wish you well and that you have found the help and hope that we all seek and share here . . . peace.

[Nkdillon in reply to peaceout]

I wish u well also and thanku for response. It truly makes a difference. Ty and take care

[Nkdillon]

Wtf does it take to OD? Im so mad. I took over 50 propanolol tabs las night with 10+ vicodin and a few klonopin. I friggin woke up this a.m. no problem. So i cant overdose? What the hell? I just wanna be gone and ive had a near death experience in the past and i survived so what? Does God want me to die a suffering lonely death? I have nobody except my mother who is ill and i cant take care of her because i cant friggin take care of myself. Why cant i die? I'd throw myself infront of a bus if i think it'd kill me but i'd ptobably survive. Slittingy wrists is so cliche and messy i wont do that. Im new to VA so i dont know any cliffs i can jump off of....i just wanna fade away in my sleep. And im mad as hell it didn't work last night.

Sorry this post is morbid. I would NEVER encourage suicide.