Well, I am still struggling with the heartbreak and the loneliness of him walking out on me. He left the day before I flew to Florida to see my daughter graduate college, left me with no one to watch my dog or a ride to and from the airport. I did have to drive 3 hours round trip to my son's to have him watch my dog. I took a taxi to the airport, which took money that he never paid me, (he said he would pay me money back he owed me so I could enjoy my trip) Luckily, my neighbor picked me up at the airport. My time in Florida was over shadowed by knowing I would come back to being alone and him gone. Well, I have been back 3 days, I can't sleep, thoughts of what he said and did and worrying are constantly consuming my mind. I read articles on Bipolar, and now see a connection on his behavior and how he treated me. I am very sad, very, very alone, and very scared. I have no friends in this new town I moved to in June. The few friends I do have are 3 hours away. All the articles I have read about heartbreak say to spend time with friends ds and family, but do not address what to do if you have none at all. The only person you have is yourself, and yourself isn't very strong and supportive right now. I am trying to be strong. I plan on packing the items he did leave and putting them out of sight. It is hard because he came here after leaving me before, and was here for 5 weeks, and every room of the house reminds me of him. Even the damn yard, helping me with various projects. I want to start my walking regumine again, but I get sad, because he did that with me too. How can I get him out of my mind? How do you stop associating every damn thing to the person who broke you? How do you stop the haunting? I feel he did this on purpose because he knew I was abandoned as a child and my fear of being alone. I am trying to be strong. But I look at the click, realize only an hour has gone by, and I still have the rest if the day to go without anyone to talk to , anyone that even cares. I guess by just putting your thoughts out there on here is therapy in itself. Thanks for reading. I do feel a little better.
Loneliness and heartbreak: Well, I am... - Anxiety and Depre...
Loneliness and heartbreak
Breakups are so difficult, I know my 1st husband walked out on me & my 1st child was 6 months old & my birth father died that same week. You need time, you can't expect to feel better right away. Be kind & gentle to yourself, I'm here for you! Love & Hugs!!!
Thank you, I realize we all have faced pain and heartache in our lives and it feels good to know everyone does get through it and survives.
Hello Rockyp!
I’m so sorry that you’re going through such a hard time. I know from experience that it takes time to heal. It’s going to take awhile, so hunker-down and expect it. Let your grief out! It will just take longer if you suppress your feelings. Is it possible for you to move back? Why did you move?
Thanks. I moved because my home burned to the ground last September and my fire insurance was paying my rent for an apartment, but time was up. I found a fully furnished home, and decided since I lost everything in the fire, this would be the best choice for me. I figured I would meet people in time, since I have moved before to places I knew no one.
I understand. So sorry for your losses...what a traumatic experience. ☹️
I know exactly what you are going through, I split with my ex this time last year, the last year has been a struggle, I won't lie to you and say things will get better straight away, but in time they will, you will still have down days in the future, espicaly if there was true love in the relionship, if you wanna talk to me you can, even if I'm all the over the pond in England, read my posts if you like, take care, chin up as they say
Thank you. I realize it will be a struggle and I know with time, I will get through it.
Was he emotionally unavailable to you in the relationship, or superficial really....can you talk about what kind of connection you really had with him other than projects you did together. Were you the main provider. Why did he leave the first time and what was his reasoning for coming back, and why did you let him come back.
It is very clear that this person was callous enough to ruin your vacation to do this right before you were going...and you said they left before, did the do it the same way, throwing ice water on your happiness.
I was abandoned as a child and I can tell you about the many un-healthy relationships I stayed in far too long because I had those fears, because I was looking for the love I didn't have as a child, but afraid of full commitment too in a way....they are deep seated scars that you do need help with....and if you can't afford therapy...start reading everything you can about this because when I finally understood why I keep repeating this pattern..it changed my life. What happened to you as a kid was not your fault. We are loveable, and deserve love...and will learn to love ourselves. Don't blame yourself, you did nothing wrong, your just in a self discovery phase of your life, and believe me ....it's worth it.
Ditto! I would say not to condemn “narcs” too hastily because it’s more than them. They’re people too with deep wounds you can’t fix. It’s a dynamic between your neediness and his deep rooted insecurity that feeds it. If he experiences push back and confidence in yourself change is possible. It’s painful (hopefully mostly for him) but the nice, helpful empath in you has to toughen up and love herself to break the dynamic. I got emotionally left often because I was needy and overly accommodating. I agree about self discovery and closing the door to him. Guys like he sounds want mostly what they ‘can’t have’. Stop being so available and love yourself more than others right now. Show yourself the kind of help, compassion and support that you’re inclined to give away. You Need You right now. Don’t worry about anybody else. Helpful phrases that need no further explanation:
No thanks
I’m not interested
That sounds great for you but I don’t enjoy that myself.
I like ___________
I dislike___________
I feel disconnected and need space to care for myself.
I’m sorry you’re lonely. I feel lonely too but am learning to enjoy being alone with myself. I’m a pretty neat person
It hurt me when___________
Breathe deep.
Watch thought provoking movies that get you in touch with your own emotions....not just everyone else’s. I echo your value said by others. Most commonly people only value a person as much as they value themselves. Second guessing and ruminating negatively invites others to do the same. Most people don’t like the discomfort that brings so they quick fix or run. If we expect others to define our value they’re generally more than happy to oblige. Your value is truly up to you starting with your mindset. You can love yourself enough to make the fear and neediness less. Make your time valuable and non negotiable. You need emotional connection and support. Settle for nothing less from anyone.
I usually agree with you as I always think your usually right on...but can't on this one about narc's....they don't think their behavior is wrong.....or that anything's wrong with them...trust me....I've known a few...1 brother, and an ex-brother in law...they don't want or need your forgiveness....they have nothing to be forgiven....or fixed.
Def. of a Narc:
Narcissistic personality disorder is a personality disorder with a long-term pattern of abnormal behavior characterized by exaggerated feelings of self-importance, an excessive need for admiration, and a lack of empathy. Those affected often spend a lot of time thinking about achieving power or success, or on their appearance.
In cases of obstinance and continued control I completely agree with you and have dealt with a few too. My husband fit this until this past year. He’s a humbled man who has confessed this. It was after allowing a lot of pain/loss of me and relational loss really of his/our daughter that awakened him to this. Now I call him on it swiftly if I see hints of it, I take space and go no contact other than necessary logistics but overall I’m not needing to do that as much. I had to participate in acknowledging my own narcissistic tendencies as I have some too. That’s what helped bridge the divide. He admits empathy is hard for him but he loves his family and me enough to own up to it. It would not have happened without drastic measures on my part though. He gets reminded that he’s not entitled to me and I get reminded of that as well. That snaps us both back to a vulnerable, humble reality free from blame. It is hard work and takes confident alertness that I shrink from sometimes. I regroup though and feel my feelings, express them fully and own whatever part I play in it. Sometimes it’s a few hours or a few days but we have relational tools now that we pull from to get connected again with Self and each other. The key for me is allowing the natural consequence of disinterest and distance to occur if he’s distant or disrespectful. I was accommodating and fearfully needy for so many years that it’s a serious pattern that requires constant attention. Getting the language to say
That hurt
I don’t feel seen or valued here
I’m not participating in that
Etc
Yes without empathy a true narcissist will play mind games and eat you alive leaving you as a carcass while they confidently or covertly gloat in their prowess. The only thing that breaks a person who operates this way is pain. Serious, core power play strategy pain. You take away their toys. You allow them space to show true colors and anger. For partners with abandonment issues this is HARD. It’s scary. Truth is they’re terrified of being abandoned too so, yes, you abandon them. You study their patterns and excessively care for yourself to promote your personal value while leaving them with their own lonely fears. Without rescuing them! I was always the cheerful, outgoing engaging partner. He’s the stable provider. Too much outside engagement socially kept me distracted from the intellect and discernment needed to catch him in lack of follow through emotionally and Chinese water torture type tactics of control that were ingrained in him from his family of origin. It was subconscious for him. He had no awareness of it. A lot had to break down for him to even take interest in looking at his family of origin. He just made me wrong and claimed I needed fixing. Our daughter is engaged to marry a man his same age and he was VERY close to losing me. Those were wakeup calls he had no control over that thankfully got him to look more inward. We both still have much to work on but we work on it as we feel sad together about our daughter and wonder how best to respond. It’s been 3 years so it’s time to accept what we cannot control and choose love. He has shown strength to do that better than me at times. We are trying. For those still stuck in true narcissism, I completely agree with you. Someone in their life needs to love them enough to promote their experience of personal pain....not getting their way...not promoting their false image...exposing their true selves in as many creative ways as possible (usually silence or forthrightly calling them out on tactics) without fear of consequences or unrealistic hope of hanging on till it gets better magically through your niceness. PAIN. It’s the best healer. It was painful for me too to make the risky investment in our marriage. It’s paying off.
I am very glad you have had an epiphany moment for the two of you to work together, my partner had internalized all their pain from a truama and it manifested in an OCD. We both have worked on our own issues individually and together as a team....and love does manage to heal a lot....but I will always be a work in progress.
And unfortunately for my two narcs...they will go to their grave the way they are. And my mother is sadly worse. She is a true sociopath which of course is a few notches up from being a narc. This all was brought out to me over years and years of banging my head against the wall in therapy till I finally accepted that she just does no have it to give....no guilt, or shame, or remorse, or empathy....simply void of any responsibility for her actions....I had tried for many years to understand, or forgive, or have some sort of intervention....all for nothing. These kind of personalities as I am sure you know, you seem very well informed....never change....because they have no conscience about what they do, they feel nothing for anyone but themselves.
I am watching a series called 'sharp edges' and the mother of this damaged character who is a journalist in the story is shockingly similar to my mother....and I just about fell off the couch when the mother said to her; 'You know I never loved you...because your just like your father, cold inside'.....when she was really the monster who emotionally abandon this young woman and then favored the youngest because she was just like her, like the mother....cold as ice, manipulative, self serving...self revolved.
That sounds painful. So what was your dad like or was he there? Triangulation of like genes sets up unintended rejections. If a narcissistic parent sees him/her self in a child that child can be put on a pedestal...seen as perfect...do no wrong....need no correction (because they resist any accountability themselves so project it onto ‘their’ children). This is so common with fathers/daughters and mothers/sons. Don’t ever discount the impact a husband can have on his wife or vice versa by overly favoring his daughter as an extension of himself. Or mothers to sons. The same gender parent tends to catch the most judgment so be careful. Emotional voids get filled one way or the other. Mothers do have a big role in attaching with and nurturing children. If the husband/dad is void of emotional understanding but seeks to love and cherish the child while seeing the wife as a conduit for this with no empathy for her and wants ‘his way’ or his ‘mama’s way’ can you see the impact it could have on a wife’s mothering? That’s where the real rejection seed is planted and then grows. And on the relationship of mother/daughter? There’s individual responsibility but there is also impact. That type of husbanding/fathering has impact. It also models to a daughter that wife isn’t valuable therefore she matures into that belief as well potentially settling for someone who either doesn’t value her or enables her coddled victimization. Just a theory of mine. People don’t generally research this sort of thing without going through pain and confusion over responses that just do not feel ‘normal’. Normal meaning every person has equal value and opinion. Teamwork being your likes/dislikes considering my likes/dislikes then we come to agreement that honors both. That’s vital in parenting. Narcissists are not even aware of that level of sharing as their way is king and they’ll ‘prove it’ through lectures and coercion. I hear you about hurt, immature moms throwing it at their daughters. It’s not right. All I challenge is that we stop criminalizing mothers who were neglected daughters and wives first. It’s a shame for future generations but it’s much more helpful to get to the origination of the generational injury that subconsciously gets passed down. How many times do we act like our parents and surprise ourselves? I just hate to see these tendencies compartmentalized and targeted bitterly at people who also were not shown healthy ways. They didn’t choose that. Everybody needs love and acceptance. It’s not only for children and elderly although those are the most vulnerable. If spouses don’t love each other it definitely sets up a lot of hurt for children. I am sorry for what you experienced but also encouraged to hear how you’ve grown beyond it. That’s inspiring.
He was not emotionally available at all! My only sister was killed 2 years ago, and he tells me to get over it every time I mourn her. He says I can't change what happened, to remember the good times and not cry because it won't change the fact she is gone. He never showed me affection the way I needed. Said things about my clothes, the way I did certain things ECT. He is Bipolar with narcissistic tendacies. He left both times because he does not like when I drink a beer. He quit drinking 3 years ago and thinks I should too. I drink every couple weeks and have a few beers to unwind and relax. He says I have a problem. I feel he is trying to control me. He came back because he said he loves me and couldn't stand being away from me, but, I think he did it because he knows I hate being alone. We have been in this off/ on relationship going on 5 years now. I realize he uses me then bolts, I need to just stop the cycle and say no if he contacts me and wants to come back because he will just leave again
the only way to stop this dead end of repeating the cycle...is first....to say no.....your not happy with him...narcs need praise, need to think they are needed and important....but don't give it back, they only tell you what you want to hear so they can keep getting what they want, which is always about what they want.
They are therefore emotionally unavailable because they truly only care about themselves. They never change.....only you can change to not let them back in. You can have a better life than this....when one door closes....meaning behind him....the open door of self discovery and understanding how to stop this repeat behavior from it's roots is the door to go through now....it will be hard....but it's a journey well worth it.
I feel your pain!! My husband just left me and I had nothing!!! I now live with my daughter and fly. Truth is I don’t miss him at all!! I too get very lonely and depressed but I look to Jesus to carry me through those lonely hours. He wants to help us and be our best friend! If you need to talk further I am willing to chat with you!!
Linda
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