How do you tackle loneliness?

Hi guys,

I was wondering if anyone is going through loneliness like I am at the moment?

Any friend that I have just seems to leave after a while and it makes me feel like something is wrong with me as they never want to stick around or try to get to know me well enough to be close. I've never felt as if I've had someone who I could turn to when upset or to tell anything to so I have to go through my troubles alone. I do have my boyfriend but he's not very helpful at times as he can be a bit insensitive to how I feel.

I'm finding it very hard at the moment as I only have one friend, who I'm not that close to, and I just feel as if this is how my life is going to continue to be and it scares me. I never imagined my life to be this lonely and I can just see myself being one of those people who die alone and isn't noticed for several months/years!

I don't know what to do as I know it's a lot harder to make friends when you're older (I'm in my late twenties) so I feel as if I've lost any chance I've had to do so.

I'd just like to know if anyone else feels this way or had done and has managed to change their situation?

Thanks for listening x

32 Replies

  • You are so young you will have many opportunities to meet people if you get involved with groups that have similar interests as your own. It is not easy to make good friends. It takes time so be careful before you trust anyone to reveal too much about yourself and then be disappointed when that person is not there for you. It is not easy to find people who truly care and will be there but they are out there. Don't give up. You have lots of time.

  • Thank you for your comment Eliza2 :) I hope that you are right! x

  • Hi Kweh123 :) I have to agree with Eliza2, you are so young and will have many opportunities to meet people. :)

    For me there was a time I couldn't seem to keep a friend either. Either they didn't want to get to know me or once they did, they no longer wanted to hang around. It took some time, but I have meet a few genuine, loyal, loving people that I consider my close friends. Remember if your friends can't love you at your worst, they don't deserve you at your best. You will make friends, don't give up! Love & Light~

  • Thank you ellybelle03! It's a bit frustrating at the moment as I'm currently doing a PhD and where I'm based no one wants to talk to me or get to know me. I've never felt so unwelcome in a work place in all my life! Those who did talk to me have all left now and I have another 2 years to go until I get out of there and meet new people. I hope you're right that I will some day find loyal friends that stick around x

  • It's really hard when your job or school doesn't include people who are fun to be with. Have you tried meet up or other groups in your community that are based on some value or activity that interests you? It takes so long, it is very discouraging to put in all the work with no guarantee that a specific group will work for you. And you don't know how much time to invest, since it takes time to get to know people, and you never know who will join tomorrow that might be the friend you're looking for.

    Have you tried support groups? Therapy? I'm a big believer in both.

  • You are so right. A "fair weather friend" or relative who is one sided is not worth the energy. People who are involved with environmental and animal causes can be good as they have the interests of others as a cause.

  • I'm 60 and have been lonely and traveled this earth alone my entire life. It's really hard to find people to talk to. Through my experience most people live very superficial lives when it comes to being personal and intimate with another human being. People avoid and run away from what really matters. One day those angels will appear, even if it's brief. Keep yourself busy and do what interests you and lifts your spirit. Good Luck!

  • I'm sorry that you've felt like that for so long Helpothers610! I find people are a lot more self-centred nowadays with Facebook and other social media. I think people would rather message someone than actually meet up or have a conversation with them in real life which is very sad. Thank you for the advice and I really hope that you find the same too soon xx

  • Not all of the time- but sometimes older people can appreciate the company if you have time.

  • I don't do hardly anything on Facebook anymore, because I even get ignored there almost all the time.

  • What a nice post. I am in that age bracket. How do you handle it, and have you lived in the same state most of your life?

  • I can really relate to what you said about people living very superficial lives Helpothers610 ! I have also experienced that and wondered if it was just me ! ha - obviously not as there are so many distractions for people, too. I was wondering if you were open to the idea of sharing some of your coping strategies in being alone at this time in your life. I have gone out and done some groups to meet others and that does help. Wondering if you have found other ways to be more friendly with your alone time ? Thanks in advance for any thoughts on this Help... it helps me and, enjoy your week, :) realeyes **

  • Hi RealEyes - I try so many ways to stimulate my mind and be out and about on my own. I like being in nature, that lifts my spirit. I go to the gym, I take a yoga class. Trying to find some meetup groups in areas of interest. Another problem is I lean more towards the introverted side. I prefer one on one rather than a crowd, my personality doesn't help things, being a quiet person. I hope you find your way. It's nice sharing thoughts and hearing others responses on this site. Enjoy your weekend!

  • Yes Helpothers - I am more of an introvert, too and talking one to one with others ... parties kinda freak me out, which doesn;t help my social life. ha in fact, i get kinda like anxious and it goes from there. So, big get togethers with others is hard on me. Lately, I started playing an instrument and there are free classes during the winter soo this has really helped me to get out more and socialize with others in friendly and fun ways! :) and, i am singing a little bit - after a lifetime of saying i would never do that! This takes efforts and lots of courage for me and i am grateful that I have pushed my envelope lately. **

  • I'm 61 and have been alone most of my life.

  • You never hear a voice anymore. No one communicates. Maybe you can find a support group or some kind of group therapy can help. Don't know where you live, but the winter months don't help the loneliness at all. All the best to you!

  • This is interesting. Denmark was voted by several sources as being the happiest country despite having a long winter. In fact people valued the Winter as being a time of spending more close time with a small group of people. Denmark is also known as a place where people do not move around much so they are really valued in their communities. It also is the country where the concept of co housing was invented. I just read about this- traditions of appreciating the small things in life like company, candles, dinners, reading as opposed to looking for more all of the time. About a year ago I saw part of a special about a CEO from Denmark. He had the same long time employees. When a whiney journalist ( I think from the US) asked him if he outsourced so he could make more money he gave the journalist a look to kill. He said he made plenty of money and besides his employees were part of his FAMILY. That is very different in the US in the present. It's all about the bottom line. The main point was that there was a different value system, and less lonliness- in fact lonliness is not much of a factor there apparently even in the Winter. So Winter is not always the factor- it's the people around and how they interact.

  • yes, thanks for the reminder about the winter months Help... - a big factor in not going out much ! re **

  • i have the same problem. although im single. and anytime i do come across someone who might make a friend i either shy away or i feel like the desperation is coming out of me and i just want to be around them all the time.

    no one rings me i have to ring others to see if they will do anything with me but everyones always busy doing things with others : (

  • I know how you feel. Nowadays I just feel if others can't be bothered with me then I can't be bothered with them! x

  • it gets lonely though and i seem to just crave friendship i dont know how to cope on my own.

  • I know :( I hope things improve for the both of us! x

  • We humans are naturally social so you are just being human.

  • keeping the desperation in check is really important and really hard. I met someone a few months ago I'd like to be friends with, and I have to really pay attention that I'm not pursuing him more than he is me. So I be sure to wave if I see him, if convenient, go up and talk, but to leave room for him to come talk to me 51% of the time. ;-) And I have to keep my emails about as short as his and not answer faster than he does. It's clear that my interest is greater than his, and he has a full, busy life, while mine is mostly empty. Neediness scares people away, I've been in a position where someone terribly needy needed a friend, but I just couldn't carry their extent of her problems. So I understand both sides.

    Good luck!

  • Do you live in the place where you are from originally? I am not- and know it is difficult to meet "friends" when an adult which can be different from a spouse.

  • If you are younger then it might be a little easier. How about volunteering if you have time? Finding a common purpose can be a nice way also.

  • No matter what I do or how many people I know. Nothing can fill whatever void there is. I am constantly doing things to stimulate me mentally and physically to fill in the loneliness. Nothing has helped. No husband, no children and a dysfunctional family who have always been emotionally detached. We grew up to think we were close to find out later in life we are not close at all. Looking forward to Daylight Savings time. Our days and nights are longer and the warmer weather is upon us. Thanks everyone!

  • My boyfriend of 9 years left me a year and a half ago while I was at a therapist appointment. He packed up everything from our home and left. He canceled his cell. His family won't talk to me. I basically neglected my friends to the point where I didn't have any when I was with him. Now that he's gone I've been alone. A year and a half with no contact with anyone outside of my family. I'm in my late twenties too.. I have no idea what to do to get back out there. I felt like this was someone I would trust with my life and I got stabbed in the back. Now I feel like I can't trust anyone. You aren't alone.

  • Hi Aloranger ... hope you are doing what you can to feel a bit better in your life, one day at a time. It can be a hard road to travel and it takes time to rebuild one's life after such a betrayal as you shared. Sounds like you have supportive family and I am glad for you on that.

    I have recently started playing an instrument and going to a beginner's class with a group. This has gotten me out and about and gives me a chance to talk with others in a friendly way. A walking or running group is another way to get out with others. Hope these ideas are help full to you Aloranger and all the best of life to you, **

  • trust takes time, and it requires a risk. I think a person needs to build trust gradually with people they meet. If I dumped my whole emptiness on someone, they'd run for cover as it's too much to carry. So I try to start with very simple things, even if it's asking what they watch on TV....or asking them what they do for fun....

  • Loneliness is the one need you can't fulfill by yourself, and that makes it hard. I have the same problem. First thing every day is to check my email to see if I have any from some of my friends. I'm not totally friendless, but I also am not like family to anyone.

    You mentioned your boyfriend, I'd like one of those. Relationships are a challenge to me. I have found all the John Gray Mars Venus books to be extremely helpful, not just to having a boyfriend, but understanding myself and others.

  • I totally understand and have the same issue. Good friends just disappear without a comment about why. I know some of my values are unique, so I don't just blend in everywhere, and finding groups attended by people of similar values is a challenge. I'm 69 and what I find is unless someone is new to the area, or maybe just divorced, they already have a life full of friends and family, they don't have room for anyone else in their life.

    What helps me is meet up or other groups that are based on something that matters to me, is fun to me, and at least there is a starting point of at least one thing in common. But people are incredibly busy, in general, and it's tough.

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