The drug in me is her

[thatjuanguy]

I don’t if it’s me or if it’s her but she is like a drug I can’t get enough even though she continues to prove she doesn’t care much or at least won’t show it. She’s cold and emotionless except anger there’s plenty of that one. We barely see each other yet every time we could she always picks other stuff and I tell myself I’m gonna talk to her about it then when she calls all I can think about is her and the problems I have with the way she is goes away then when she hangs up it all comes back and still I don’t talk to her about it. I guess I’m both afraid of having her and not having her and it drives me crazy my anxiety is up more than it’s been in years maybe ever and I’m just so confused she’s not what I want from a relationship but at the same time it feels like she’s everything that I ever wanted.

[fauxartist]

that's actually not as uncommon as you think....and I hate to say this, but some of us pick emotionally unavailable people because it's what we know, and also we never fully can be committed which is our easy out of it when things don't end well...we are gone before it really ever went anywhere....its survival of our fear of rejection, fear of being left, because we have fears of commitment...abandonment...it's an oxymoron...push and pull. Yet we are drawn like a moth to a flame...and we are really attracted to the fantasy love affair of what we would dream of having with this person....but it's never going to be there.

[thatjuanguy in reply to fauxartist]

I have no problem committing to someone if anything I overcommit but I definitely have fear of abandonment. And I know what you mean what you mean about fantasy I keep wanting her to be different she’s the kind of person who doesn’t express or talk about feeling the kind of person who has never held someone hand in a relationship the kind of person who when a co worker got broken up with she couldn’t even understand why they were upset I just don’t know it works with one person who’s overly emotional and someone who seems to not have any.

[fauxartist in reply to thatjuanguy]

they are emotionally unavailable...and it's just the attraction of wanting that love from that person, and they just don't have to give...this was learned at a young age when you may have been emotionally abandon by a parent or caregiver, family member, etc. This sticks with you when forming adult relationships and it is a hard thing to overcome. We seek out the 'emotionally unavailable parent or caregiver' in our adult relationships to find that love we missed out on...and until you get help with the abandonment issues and fully understand the mechanism of how we self sabotage, you'll be doing this behavior repeatedly, over and over. I know...I have been healing from this for decades....it's a hard one to understand.

[thatjuanguy in reply to fauxartist]

I wouldn’t say I was emotionally abandoned maybe a little ignored. And I don’t think I’m self sabotaging I want it to work more than anything it’s just impossible to tell if she does or if she even cares whether I’m around or not. It’s no big deal to her that we only see each other like once a month in fact she’s said she thinks we see each and talk enough for her but that’s not enough for me.