Marriage issues with anxiety

[Atypical447]

Last year I had a cardiac arrest. Since then, I’ve had anxiety attacks thinking I’m not going to live. They only surface when I’m sick.

My husband is frustrated. Out of patience.

which to be honest - didn’t seem like he had any to begin with.

We used to have a sizzling sex life. But he is frustrated with how often it’s off the table due to illness, stress, and anxiety.

I feel resentment that sex is his bone of contention. We still have sex frequently. But the times we can’t - he gets very upset.

Just for background it’s normally around twice a week. There are longer periods. Never over one week. And shorter periods when it’s every other day.

I noticed he was moody and sullen today. I told him I was feeling anxiety last week. Then the weekend came. We had family over yesterday until 10 pm. Not my fault. But he expected me to initiate earlier in the day today. I mentioned it around 5 pm I was up for some fun and he went on a tangent that I didn’t attempt sooner. He went on and on about how frustrated he is that he can’t initiate when I’m sick. This was directly after I mentioned sex today. Said I could’ve made it a priority. Instead I did chores. And it was a day I was feeling well. Now he’s asleep and I can’t sleep at all.

I have to hide when I’m not feeling well or have anxiety because he is so sick of it.

I’m at a complete loss.

[LoveforAll41]

Well, this should be interesting. I am curious what others will say.

Of course you have the right to refuse sex on whatever grounds and say no for whatever reason. It sounds like you declining your husband's advances is a new thing though, so I am sure it will take some time for him to adjust. I also don't think that others can really understand anxiety/depression unless they have experienced it. Anyway, I would guess that your husband also has some strong emotions around sex as well. I think that this kind of stuff is exactly what marriage and family therapists are trained for.

Now take this with a grain of salt because I have a lot of mental health issues, but I know when my wife turns me down it is hard to take. Still. After 8 years. I can't believe how much it affects me, and that is on me. There is also the love languages thing, and mine is definitely physical touch.

It sounds like you have a little bit of dialogue going around this, but I think therapy for you two, or some important conversations need to happen. If you have to hide something definitely needs to change.

[Atypical447 in reply to LoveforAll41]

I do not turn him down. Ever. I don’t reject him. His complaint is that my health prevents him from initiating.

[Atypical447 in reply to LoveforAll41]

if my mental health isn’t great and I’m crying, or if I’m not feeling well - he knows sex isn’t on the table. Even though once I cry and let it out - the anxiety attack is over and I am fine. I’ve told him this but he still sees it as an insurmountable obstacle.

[CL3V3R-G1RL]

Sounds like couples counseling is your best bet. At least to help him with empathy regarding your experience. And you also might need trauma counseling. It's understandable to have health anxiety after that. That's a scary experience.

I know the feeling of having an off balance in life due to anxiety. It keeps me from enjoying life right now. I'm looking for a therapist myself.

Sending love and hugs 🫂❤️

[Atypical447 in reply to CL3V3R-G1RL]

I’ve seen two different ones. Neither of them worked for me. The first one was surface stuff and it didn’t help. Second one asked me why I was in counseling. I said because I’m afraid of death. She replied “You shouldn’t be afraid of death. It’s natural “. I was done.

[CL3V3R-G1RL in reply to Atypical447]

I'm sorry that you felt dismissed and your feelings invalided.

Unfortunately therapy is really the only solution here. Because communication with him is difficult. You need kind of a mediator.

Yes, there are sucky therapists/counselors out there. Just like doctors. However you have to try a few before you find one that's a good fit for you.

I had my share of bad counselors. I had one really great one. Unfortunately for me she had to retire and now I have one who is okay. But honestly I'm searching for someone better. So far I haven't one just yet.

Sending love and hugs 🫂 ❤️