Not much time left

I don't even know why I'm writing this, but my suicidal thoughts are getting out of hand. I can't HANDle it anymore, (excuse the pun, trying to make things a bit lighter) I feel like one day I'm going to make a really stupid decision, lets just call it. (I don't really wanna think about it, let alone type it) I don't even know why I'm like this, my life isn't even that bad compared to others, yet I'm like this, I hate myself so much, every time I do something supposedly to make me happy, after I just get worse. My mind is constantly looking for ways to kill itself. I fear I might actually do it one day.

Its strange.

My mindset changes (not drastically, I'm not bipolar). But I'll be really sad and want to "do it", but hours later, ill be "normal", that being not really feeling anything. I rarely get happy. But these periods of sadness are getting longer, and if they go on for instead of hours, but days, then weeks, possibly months, without my mindset changing and thinking clearly, I might end up doing something stupid.

It took a while, but I managed to go to the GP and i'm starting counselling when I go back to school. I'm just scared that I'll do something if things get really bad, almost as if I can't control myself.

Sorry this was long, I know there isn't really any way for you to help me, but I just wanted to get this off my chest, as pointless as this was...

44 Replies

  • There was a post like this yesterday which may have some useful advice

  • Dear Candy4short, I'm so glad u reached out. It kept u alive. No need to apologize 4 writing a long post, it's good to let people know what's going on. And ur situation is uncoparable to everyone else's. If UR hurting, it's important no matter how trivial it may seem to u. I'm happy ur going 4 counseling. U deserve to take care of yourself. I understand the self hatred and the dying parts. I visit those in my own mind sometimes too. Just letting u know that if u want to chat, I'm here.

  • Thank you x

  • U bet. We help each other out. I'm paranoid now bc I used to work alot but now I'm on disability. So I came home a little while ago bc I was so tired and dizzy I was having trouble driving. The thing Im paranoid about is the neighbors knowing why I'm home so much now. I never got close to any of them but they might c my car. So yeah, I get nervous easily and it chews on me.

  • Our minds are weird, I don't think your neighbors would pay attention to you being home a lot, even if they do, you don't have to justify yourself to anyone.

  • It's irrational, but b i get paranoid people can see in the windows and stuff like that. It sounds funny typing it, but I believe it.

  • I feel like that often. I thought it was crazy but I can always justify it. It's scary when you look at everyone as if they're out to get you. Things that normal people wouldn't even notice are magnified and threatening. Terrible.

  • I don't get the work thing(as I don't go to work) but I definitely get the window thing! I always have to shut the curtains because I always feel like people are watching me, and I have to keep the door shut too!

  • Yup. I feel safer keeping my car window up thinking it's really gonna keep people out. I can justify it too. My sister is in psychology and says do a reality check. Unfortunately it feels like reality tho intllectually I know it's wrong--I hope.

  • hi its sounds like you are going through a really tough time at the moment. Keep going you can and will get better. Well done for going to see the school counsellor, its important to talk to someone that can support you. How old are you? Have you got exams coming up this year?

  • Yeah, I'm 15, but I'm turning 16, REALLY soon, my birthday is September 3rd, please don't report me. But yeah, in 2018, i'll be sitting my GCSE's, and this depression is only making my school life harder.

  • Got ur back. Keep talking it out.

  • I am old enough to be your grandmother and believe me when I say that whatever it is that you are going through can and will pass with assistance from professionals and love from those close to you...Try to pinpoint what is going on in your head and heart when you start having those dark and sad thoughts...Once you do that, you will target your triggers..."Keep Your Head Up!"

  • Do not apologize for how you feel or how your brain is thinking. There is something chemically wrong in your brain. These thoughts aren't yours and that is why you feel this way. It's scary and tiring. But you will get through. Please keep fighting and talk to someone near you. Please stay safe and alive. I am here as well if you need to just vent again. Keep fighting

  • Thank you x

  • Today is Friday. On Tuesday I started taking Cymbalta again. As of yesterday I started feeling better. I really didn't want to take drugs again. But it saves my life. Please go get help. There's hope!

  • You already feel some relieve from the Cymbalta? I've been taking Flouxetine for 11 days and still feel 100% unmotivated and super low.

  • I remember those thoughts when I was around your age, and now I'm 46, married with a child. My life has been pretty amazing, though the depression is always there lurking. I know it seems like nothing will get better, but it does. Really it does. Call a suicide hotline. Get antidepressants from your doctor. As you stated, one day it's bad and then it's not. You have an illness that needs to be treated. It will reverse the pattern you're seeing so that you will again begin to have more good days and more time between the darkness. Listen to the podcast "The Hilarious World of Depression." You are not alone in what you're experiencing, and your life is worth living. Call a suicide hotline. Please.

  • What will happen if I call them?

  • They'll ask why you called, and what's going on. You can share with them what you've shared here. They'll listen, and they will offer you some suggestions, some help, some resources. They won't judge you - they are trained to help.

  • Thank you

  • I hope therapy can help some. . When I was 18 my mother attempted suicide after my 12 year old brother died of cancer. I know she was in pain but I found her and got her to a hospital. She never considered the people she left behind or who would find her. It was devastating. Sometimes it helps to focus on others in your life and realize you are loved and needed. I have had depression ever since but do try to attempt to think what my family would do without me. You do make an impact even though you don't feel it. Someone out there needs you ! Stay safe

  • I'll try x

  • It's brave of you to write about it,,, get another opinion, don't be afraid to ask for help. It's not easy going thru what you are. You are not weak for seeking out help for yourself.

  • Sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. It might help to develop a safety plan when you are feeling more "normal"; who to call and what to do when those feelings are there. Have you talked to your GP about anti-depressants? I know that not everyone wants to take medication, but for some people, it really helps. Have the number to a crisis line handy and carry it with you so that you can call if it gets bad (part of your safety plan). Let someone you trust know how you are feeling and make arrangements to call them or get together with them when things get rough. In an emergency, call 91, go to a hospital or call a national suicide prevention number. There is help available and you won't always feel this way.

  • She did mention it, but she said it might not be best because of my age

  • Perhaps you can try exercise. There are studies that have shown that exercise can really help with depression. Also, just healthy living - good food and getting enough rest/sleep. Staying connected to people is important and finding things to do, even if they are small things, can really help. Organizing a small area, cleaning a small area, weeding, cooking, etc. Spending time with animals is great, too.

  • I do try to bake, run ext. I think I may strain myself too much with running though 😅 I run around 5 miles every time, last time I nearly cried because I got an episode half way

  • That's a long run! Maybe you should run for shorter distances more frequently. I know that it's hard. I am struggling too. Some days are better than others. When I am having a bad day, I pray my way through it; look at inspirational quotes about God's love and care for me; and just hold on until it gets better.

  • Yeah, I should probably shorten it 🙃

  • Candy, there is only one thing you need to do and that is to stay alive, one day at a time. If you do that, you are a hero of epic proportions. People have no idea how difficult it is to keep going with the symptoms you're describing, but you are doing it, you're still here, and you deserve a big medal for it. Just stay alive! Stay with your doc and counselor and try whatever you can to feel better. You're having normal symptoms of depression and it's a good sign that they go away sometimes. You keep doing your best, even if that means just breathing and getting through the day. I think you're awesome. Now please, just stay alive.

  • Ill try my best

  • You can do it. Reach out everywhere you can think of if you have to. Just stay alive today and keep breathing.

  • I know how you feel but my story's a little different I was listening to a song in my room I and it describes a perfect way for me to kill myself #Help💔🖤 Help Me Plz After You Have Solved YOURS FIRST People Plz!

  • I suggest not ever listening to that song again, but unfortunately I haven't really 'solved' anything. Call the suicide hotline.

  • Thank you for the suggestion Candy4short 🙂

  • Just stay safe x

  • I will 🙂

  • I know how you feel sometimes I feel so down that I just want to disappear. In life I haven't really found anyone who gets me

  • Eat healthy and maybe try yoga. Maybe do a cleansing. It might help. Chemicals can really mess with your mind. I'm going to go have a banana. Maybe try eating certain foods that aids with depression I find that overtime it helps. If you can quit soda drinks and drink water and fruit juices. Blend if you can. Still eat your comfort food once in a while. The key is to limit it and not make the junk food take over our lives. Some of us are so isolated because of our various issues and I believe that adds to the anxiety and depression. You need people to talk to who understand you and you may feel better. Message anytime you are down. If anyone knows about that it's me.

  • Thanks for the advice, right now eating wise, I've completely lost my appetite altogether and haven't felt the feeling of hunger in weeks, I have to force myself to eat so I don't get stomach pains, I have to eat things I like or it will make me feel sick, but I'm working on it. It's been a while, so I might do an update or something :/

  • I know how you feel. Even I have to force myself sometimes when the anxiety and depression hits me. I can't eat sometimes. I sometimes have to force myself like you to eat. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this. So far this group is helping me keep it together. Don't know how long more I will able hold on but I'm trying my best. I drink herbal tea too. I really want to get better to go on with life. So many things I wish I did differently but cannot go back can only move forward. I'm hoping things get better and save for you too.

  • I know you can do it, we have to stay strong together, even if it feels like your alone your not, there are lots of us. I'm really bad at advice 😅 but yeah hang in there

  • Hey it's ok. I'm that much of a great communicator at times too. No one is perfect. Some people seem to think they are but who fool them lol. Thanks for the support. We can definitely do it. 🤗☕️

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