I’m sick of being called selfish

[ZenGiraffe]

*Trigger warning* I wonder if anyone else who’s maybe had an SA or serious ideation has ever been labeled as selfish by friends/family? My husband tells me all the time when I get those automatic suicidal thoughts how selfish it is of me to want to just check out. I told him today, I always wonder, would he ever go close to the lengths I’ve gone in search of trying to get better solely because the people I love want me to? Because, frankly I’m feeling pretty done w trying if this surgery doesn’t help. 8 years of major depression and anxiety, 4 hospitalizations, 90 ECT treatments that have ruined some of my memories and cognitive abilities, around 40 different medication trials, and now experimental brain surgery? I told him this, w a disclaimer that I was afraid to share w him what was bothering me, and when I got done saying all this, he called me pathetic and said that I AM selfish. But he never answered my question. I feel so betrayed and abandoned by the one person I’m essentially still fighting for, and I just don’t know how to feel about this. He’s since apologized for calling me pathetic, but it didn’t sound very genuine... does anyone else ever wonder these things about their loved ones?

[gerg]

Selfish and selfless are completely perspective based, and this tends to be an emotional trap. I have found that I can be of benefit to others if I focus on taking care of myself. I do it for myself and if others benefit from or honor my accomplishments all the better. Some people will see this as selfish, others will recognize the selfless tendency.

I can’t afford to get upset because someone around me missed an opportunity to be supportive of me or my efforts. On the other hand, if I am the sole person responsible for judging certain efforts, I will always get some feedback and information.

It is so easy to miss intent or to take things out of context. If we perceive that someone is unsupportive it is very difficult to get past.

This level of emotional control is very difficult to explain. I hope I did it well enough to be of some value to you.

[Rpan]

I think sometimes we confuse someone being supportive with wanting someone or something to take away the pain. I believe the answers to our pain lie within and are not due to the relationships we are current having ( all relationship) our focus can’t be solely on how to fix anything other than how we interact with the wild from within. That journey needs to be filled with the love of god.

[Bella1985]

I’m sorry you are going through that. I understand not being understood. I suffer from SI as well and no one seems to understand that I cannot control my thoughts. I can only control my actions. Brain surgery sound very scary and I can understand why you would want to voice your feelings about it. I’ve read a saying a while back that said: Don’t allow someone to treat you poorly just because you love them. You are not pathetic. You have an illness. Remind him of your vows: In sickness or in health. About the whole “selfish” thing... I’ve hear that myself, but I bet you are a giving person who will go to the ends of the world to do something for someone. Just because you are hurting and want it to end does not mean you’re selfish... it means you need a hand. Best of luck to you.

[hypercat54]

Hi some people do see suicide as a selfish act but it is mainly those who have never suffered mental health issues or who don't understand how it makes you feel.

I think in part suicide is selfish because you are only thinking about yourself and your own feelings. On the other hand it's very hard to think about others when you are in so much pain yourself and I well understand the desperate need to stop the pain and life becoming too much of a burden. When you are suicidal you don't think straight and you need proper support and care, if not from loved ones at least from professionals. x

[fauxartist in reply to hypercat54]

I like that explanation very much....those who have never been in that despair of darkness and hopelessness are clueless about how you just want it to stop. And when you share these feelings with these people who are clueless...they say stupid things like 'Oh...your just being selfish, don't you know what that will do to everyone'...' or that your taking the cowards way out'....I don't even begin to know where to start with those statements. When the ones you love say hurtful things like your pathetic, or weak, or selfish...how the hell is that supposed to make us feel better, we are already so down on ourselves and feeling bottomed out....do they really think saying things like that are helpful!!!???.....idiots!!.....the only ones being selfish in my mind are them.....instead of saying things like what are you feeling, how can I help you, what could we do to help you with this right now? Being loving and supportive....not judgemental and negative....

[Hidden in reply to hypercat54]

I don't view it as selfish I view it as desperate..

[AZ1970]

ZenGiraffe, his comment sounds very uncaring. I am sorry. I have heard that the most painful experience as humans is to be invalidated. Perhaps he is a bit burned out on your illness and he needs to get some help for himself. That does not make what he said ok. Get better for yourself. Also, he may not be the person to share those things with. I know my husband can become overwhelmed at times because he wants to help and he can't.

[zevietnameseguy98]

I am so sorry for what you are going through, can't even imagine what it feels like. Stay strong. I have wondered the same as you are doing now too so you aren't alone.

[ZenGiraffe]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I’m just trying my best to make it to this surgery and praying that I never need ECT again. I want a real life w my husband, one where I can contribute and make plans w him days ahead because we’ll know my mood won’t be sketchy. Maybe I’ll even make a friend at some point. All this hope is terrifying.

[fauxartist in reply to ZenGiraffe]

I hope this goes well for you too....and hope is okay to have and hold onto....

[gogogirl]

Wow, you went through all of that and he called you names? Glad he apologized. If in the USA- NAMI offers support groups for friends and family of people who have gone through mental health issues. ( You probably knew that anyway).

[Stilltrying_]

I am getting these sorts of comments from people all the time at the moment and it really makes me angry. I am NOT selfish, I am sick and trying 500% to get better. No-one will ever know the courage and the effort I put in to each day. They are saying these things because I've got to the stage where I simply can't contain these negative emotions. When you are having extreme suicidal thoughts 24/7 it is really difficult to "snap out of it" or make small talk; though I do and often, it needs to be said, but I can't do it 100% of the time.

Your situation sounds serious with the brain surgery. I do hope it offers some relief to you and NO you are NOT SELFISH , you are suffering, more than anyone can know and want pain relief. Hold on and hold out for that hope with the brain surgery xxxxx

[Hidden]

Would he call you pathetic if the pain was from cancer? People view mental illness as not really being sick. If someone from severe cancer pain wanted to commit suicide would "they" be considered selfish, I doubt it very much.Not that suicide is the answer just sayin for an example.. peace to you ..