am i selfish for choosing not to have children?

[friendly34]

Am i selfish for choosing not to have children?

I have 3 disabilities eds, cfs/me and pots.

in my twenties i could work, thirties part time & then got v sick. I chose not to have kids as i was worried that i wouldn’t have the energy to look after one. i didn’t want my potential kid to miss out on things because i didn’t have the energy. also financially- as i can’t work, i didn’t want the child to be poor.

now i’m in 40’s and feel a void. i do voluntary work & have a pet. I just feel so much grief. my body won’t let me have kids- also with eds there can be complications.

whenever i argue with friends- a few have said i’m selfish. but i’m really not & am v kind to people.

does anyone else live with this void?

i am pretty sure i made the right decision about having no children as my body gets injuries so easily.

[Hidden]

Hey, you're not selfish at all; you're the opposite. You're thinking about your child even before you have a child. You would probably be a great mother if you did decide to have a child. I think people who have a child that isn't ready are the ones who are selfish. How can you be selfish when you do not have a child because you think you won't be able to give them your 100?

You are far from being selfish. Do what's best for you and what you think is right.

[friendly34 in reply to Hidden]

thank you x

[AnxiousSilver]

"because i didn’t have the energy. also financially- as i can’t work, i didn’t want the child to be poor. "

I think that you answered your own question right there.

[AnxiousSilver]

"whenever i argue with friends- a few have said i’m selfish. "

That doesn't make any sense to me. I'm kinda wondering where your "friends" are coming from.

I think that you doing volunteer work is great. We need more people helping others out there. I try to do the best that I can too, but I know that I am far from perfect.

JMO.

[friendly34 in reply to AnxiousSilver]

thanks. i think if anything it is my so called friends getting defensive about being called out on their bad behaviour & they have lashed out at me instead.

[AnxiousSilver in reply to friendly34]

Here.. (IMO) Let your friends live their life, and you live yours.

If you can find the time and energy to help others, that's not being selfish, it's loving others whether you know them or whether they are strangers.

To me, that serves a wonderful purpose.

[friendly34 in reply to AnxiousSilver]

thank you. x

[Hb2003]

Your not ☺️ I get the fear and i understand . Even though i am 18 i told my mom when i grow up i don't want children due to my health issues too its your decision and your choice and if people hate that or dislike that decision they are not worth your time

[fauxartist]

No...

[Midori]

Hi Friendly,

No, You are not at all selfish, bringing up kids can be a trial even for the most able bodied of us.

You have thought about the whole scenario, and decided it is better not to have children, given your physical limitations.

If you became ill and were hospitalised, who would care for them?

Is somebody giving you grief about the whole caboodle?

It's Nobody Else's Business.

Cheers, Midori

[friendly34]

thanks Twinkly star- appreciate your reply. yes i am worried when my mum dies. But like you say, it wasn’t the right circumstances to have kids. animals are the best aren’t they. so lovely and healing. thanks xx

[Louie35]

You are not being selfish!! Everyone is different, there is no right or wrong here! Nobody knows what is best for you more than you! I wish you all the best!!!!

[friendly34]

aww he is gorgeous 😍😍 this is my boy

photo of dog

[friendly34]

thanks. Pixie sounds cheeky 😃

[friendly34]

aww what a sweetheart 😍

[friendly34]

lovely photo x

[Arymretep]

No way, you are saving the planet 👍

[friendly34 in reply to Arymretep]

thanks x

[Arymretep in reply to friendly34]

Next time your friends say you are selfish you tell them that 👍

[friendly34 in reply to Arymretep]

yes 👍🏻👍🏻

[Hidden]

Pixie is like Baby as she needs to be an only cat as well!

[Hidden]

Today I had to wait 3 hours on the phone on and off to sort out a doctors appointment and my sister in law said it was ridiculous!

I have enjoyed a few days holiday over the weekend and back to work tomorrow and Wednesday and then the jubilee weekend the rest of the week.

Baby is great and has enjoyed her fish this afternoon and sends her regards to Pixie!

[friendly34 in reply to Hidden]

aww 3 hours- that sounds awful.

Hope you have an easier week & enjoy the bank hol x

[Hidden in reply to friendly34]

Yes I'm looking forward to the bank holiday!

It was horrendous though trying to get through on the phone this morning but I got there eventually but I was so frustrated though to the point of tears but thankfully that's done now and hopefully I won't have to do that again for a long time now!

This afternoon I picked up my medication from the chemist and that's another thing I don't have to worry about how for a little while!

[Blueruth]

Heck no! Just the opposite. You are considering very carefully if it is the right thing to do and putting the potential child before your own interests. Being child-less is always discriminated against by some groups. There is an instinct and culture expectation. I believe it is 40% of women who decide against children. They (we) aren’t regretting it believe me.

[friendly34 in reply to Blueruth]

thanks- i always feel judged by my neighbours. they have no clue on how cfs/me can affect your body. yes it is discriminated against isn’t it. this is great to hear that you don’t regret not having kids- it gives me hope. thanks x

[Blueruth in reply to friendly34]

Yea... the discrimination is bad depending on where you live. Suburbia is especially bad. Just wait until to reach over 50 and have to deal with ageism! Fun times. Just so you know when your peers have kids and then tend to leave you out. Not intentionally but because their time is sucked up. It is good to seek out others with the same mindset. I have seen a meetup group in my area for like minded people. If you are into it Unitarian universalist is also supportive.

[friendly34 in reply to Blueruth]

yes spot on! ooh cool will see if there is one near me.

thanks

[friendly34]

aww sounds such a character. yes enjoy your bank holiday too 😃

[friendly34]

thanks for the confirmation that i am doing the right thing

x

[Against_the_current]

It's not selfish. It's the opposite. It's responsible. You know you're not in the best condition for children, the planet is dying, it's overpopulated. I also decided not to have children because that's the right thing according to me. I have mental and physical issues, i don't want to traumatize more generations even if i die alone. It's selfless...anti-selfish

[friendly34 in reply to Against_the_current]

thanks so much for your reply. it has really helped. i am sorry you have physical

and mental issues. hope things get easier for you xx

[Against_the_current in reply to friendly34]

Thanks. I was struggling and hearing i helped you, made me feel better

[friendly34 in reply to Against_the_current]

sorry to hear you are struggling. yes you have helped me so feel proud x

[friendly34]

thanks unfortunately i haven’t got a partner. its hard having multiple disabilities.

so sorry to hear about your health issues and that you lost a stepson. sending love