I’m nervous to be here

[maggief9812]

Hi. I’m new here and I simultaneously really want to reach out to anyone that might understand me, and I think my story is too pathetic & uninteresting to be worth sharing. So I’m afraid if I say anything too personal it’s going to be f*ing devastating when no one replies.

I have worked in healthcare for almost 20 years, so I know the signs, I know what’s happening with me, and I rationally know getting help will help... but instead I’m hiding my symptoms as much as I can and telling myself that if I don’t have a diagnosis I’m not sick. I convinced my doctor the sleep meds I got her to prescribe me are for the currently unavoidable fact that my rotating night shifts demand occasional chemically induced sleep. I’ve never told her I pop out of bed with my heart panic racing more often than not and I outright lie through my teeth during the depression and anxiety screening portions of my regular checkups. (Office policy for all patients- I think it’s a great policy! Hopefully it can catch people who are less fucking twisted about themselves than I am.)

I guess if I’m being honest, I’m afraid coming out about my struggles will negatively affect all my relationships because everyone will judge me and I will lose opportunities at school, and consequently my career when I’m done, and then the rest of my life will be ruined and my husband will leave me and I’ll never feel the same way about anyone else again. I KNOW I’m catastrophizing but I can’t stop and I hate myself right now.

[Mabel1scruffy2]

I'm hiding my troubles too. Unfortunately I have 2 grandkids living with me and they know and are affected by my depression and anxiety. I get awful adrenaline rushes when I try to sleep. I pretty much am awake all night and just fall asleep for a couple hours when I'm exhausted. I haven't been able to afford my health care because I'm paying for my granddaughters health insurance and diagnostics for a cyst in her brain. That means no therapy and no meds. Sorry this is so long, I mainly wanted you to know you're not alone.

[maggief9812 in reply to Mabel1scruffy2]

I know how it feels to want help, to know you need help and to just feel so defeated about it because you can’t afford it anyway and it’s not like your problems are the worst ones in the family and maybe I’m projecting a little there, sorry. (I tell myself my problems aren’t even that bad, its not worth complaining.) The economics of healthcare in this country sucks and I hope your granddaughter gets through this with the least possible difficulty! Is say you have plenty of reason for justifiable, reasonable anxiety and sadness for an innocent child having to go through such difficulties and the fear of how to handle it economically while still being a stable force for the family. My heart goes out to you all

[Mabel1scruffy2 in reply to maggief9812]

Thank you. It's helpful just to know you understand.

[Natasha_1994]

Hey, maggief9812! First of all, welcome! When i was new here, i was also thinking the same way like you did and thinking no one would ever reply or even want to read my awful feelings. it’s okay if you want to be honest here, everyone has their own different stories and their own advices. I Believe that someone out there, maybe had the same experiences and they might help you with something. You are not alone, i have some issues too that affect my social life, my love life, my work, everything! But people in here are so so so soooo supportive! Have a good day to you! xx

[maggief9812 in reply to Natasha_1994]

Thank you for your sweet reply. I’m struggling right now to wring out more but I am trying. I think Anxiety powered that first flurry of text and now I’m just... so tired and so sad

[fauxartist]

There is no cure for social stigma and ignorance, so you do need to keep your personal issues to yourself. And yes...do get treatment from a therapist....they have to keep confidentiality.....use a pharmacist outside your medical circle if you are prescribed SSRI's. Just because your in the medical field does not mean you aren't allowed to have issues. Unless your anxiety or depression, I'm not a professional so I don't know, I'm only going on what your expressing here, effects your job, or endangers a patients care, which would not happen....then you deserve some sense of feeling secure your handling this issue professionally and responsibly. But I would for sure seek therapy to get properly diagnosed so as to receive the proper course of therapy to learn coping skills and give you the best understanding of what your experiencing. This is not your fault, you know it's chemical, and there should never be any blame or shame around this. It's no different than if your getting help with a heart condition.

When you want to talk to others who are and have gone through this disease for a while, there are many good people here who don't judge, and do understand. I'm glad your here, keep sharing...

[maggief9812 in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you. I’m rationally aware of everything you’ve said and it’s good, solid advice. This community is enriched by having you in it.

I do still have other concerns about my specific situation though, and I think I need to do some research before I can decide how to proceed.

[fauxartist in reply to maggief9812]

I hear ya.....homework is always the best way to go and weight out your options. Glad your here sharing....