Any advice for a discouraged teenager?

[seekingjoy]

Thank you for reading this post!

I am new to this forum, and I look forward to seeing the feedback I may receive.

For the longest time, I have been stuck in a rut. I have undergone the same routine for several years, which undoubtedly betters my personality, but also manifests itself as anxiety and short bouts of severe depression.

I am currently trying to excel in academia to get accepted into a college or university. However, anxiety attached to grades, as well as other things like my obligations, prevents me from totally excelling. Basically, by manifesting itself as perpetual what ifs, my anxiety periodically leads me to indulge in short-term pleasures like binge eating instead of focusing on my long-term goals. Moreover, the manner in which I carry myself conceals the deeply troubled nature of my true conscious self. People around me, particularly my school peers and distant acquaintances (I tend to cut off new friends every year) verbalize how much they look up to me for my "elegance and intellect". This prevents me from getting the social support I need.

However, a few very good adults in my life helped me understand the value of my numerous nefarious experiences. Yet, I still struggle with a low self-esteem. It actually prevents me from confidently executing anything. Sometimes, during my bouts of depression, it manifests itself as a pressure on my chest and radiates from my neck into my left shoulder. That's when I know it's bad. Therapy can substantially aid me, but that is not an option I can consider until I turn eighteen. For now, I'm muddling through life functionally enough.

My Christian faith helps me hang in there. Furthermore, I believe I would be currently unstoppable in the pursuit of my goals if I had grown up with a warm, functional family; however, I hope that my experiences, like my requesting help on this website, will contribute my powerfully good character more so.

[hrutger]

It sucks to have those feelings concealed by a seemingly stable exterior. Do you have any friends with whom you can be as vulnerable as you have been in this post? If not, then it might be worth keeping your eyes open for which types of people in your day-to-day life might be safe confidants. I'm slightly hypocritical for saying that, as I find it MUCH easier to express myself anonymously online than with anyone in my daily life, but I am trying to be on the watch for who might be safest.

I grew up with two exceedingly different parents, whose dysfunction did not become apparent to me until I was old enough to comprehend that my dad is a bipolar alcoholic (who has lately deteriorated to the point where no one can miss it), and my very kind mother is, nevertheless, an enabler. In addition to all that, my parents were absolutely terrible at articulating their emotions - either expressing them in a distorted way (my dad) or showing very little, very muted expression (my mom). So I completely understand how it feels to be raised without the appropriate tools. Sorry you have to deal with that. You are more self aware about your upbringing than I was in high school - by far.

I understand perfectionism because it's an aspect of my personality. It's tough to be that way, so I would encourage you to investigate the value of vulnerability as well.

Also, if you want to feel not alone, find some mental health/illness podcasts. The "Mental Illness Happy Hour" can be hilarious.

Good luck!