Hi I am 38 and have suffered with bouts of low mood/depression for about 25 years now. The episodes just seem to come from nowhere and have no obvious trigger. I’ve seen therapists, attended groups and read tonnes of self help books, I finally thought I may have been over this after a couple of years of general content and happiness but this horrible dark black cloud has descended again and I’m struggling to get through it.
I have a wonderful wife and 2 year old and it breaks my heart when I am withdrawn and not myself around them, my family are very supportive and try to give me advice and support but it just doesn’t register when I feel like this, my mind has total control over me and there’s nothing I can do about it.
I have been on venlafaxine 75mg for a while now, I don’t know whether to up my dosage of that as it just feels like everything is pointless and I can’t see any hope, despite the numerous times I have experienced these episodes and always managed to come out of them at this present moment that just doesn’t help me feel any better.
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JP26
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I have been on Venlafaxine for a long time. Probably close to twenty years. Please talk to your doctor. I believe the maximum dose is 225mg which is what I take now. Started at 75, went to 150 for a number of years then 225. You said your episodes seem to come out of nowhere but perhaps this episode has something to do with winter or the added stress of the holidays. For most of my life I would just keep going then suddenly spiral. It took a lot of help for me to be able to recognize why I would go into a tailspin. You also mentioned self help books. By chance have you read any of the DBT workbooks? My therapist recommended the DBT workbook for anxiety and depression. It's a lot of information and I haven't had a chance to read it from beginning to end but it has been extremely helpful to have. There are times I needed to go to a specific subject such as toxic people and the information was extremely helpful. One of my goals this year is to go from cover to cover. I hope some of this is helpful.
Hi thanks for your response, I have tried to contact my doctor to see if I can up my dosage as the 75mg was always just a maintenance dose so maybe a higher dosage will help, my only worry is the side effects as it makes me sweat quite badly which I’m worried will be worse on a higher dose but I would take that over how I feel right now.
I do think the change of year and getting back into the routine is what has thrown me off, this isn’t my first day back after the holidays which make it all the more confusing and difficult to understand and I can’t help comparing myself to others and wishing I could be happy and care free like they are.
I have read multiple CBT and mindfulness books but not DBT, I will look into that though thanks for the tip. What was it that helped you figure out what it was that sent you into a spiral if you don’t mind me asking, I’d give anything just to know that really!
Just by replying you’ve helped me feel less alone with this so thank you.
DBT helped but I think it was experience that helped me figure it out. Don't try to figure out your triggers when you are in the midst of this. Once you start feeling a bit better you may think of something that could have triggered it. I hope you find DBT helpful. On this forum you are never alone. All of us understand what depression and anxiety truly are.
Thanks, I think you’ve already shown great understanding in that when I am in the midst of this I spend all of my day trying to find a cure and trying to make this go away which I know doesn’t help but I can’t seem to stop.
One thing that's helped me is to start keeping a running list of things I'm proud of, things that make me happy and things that love me.
I read these things when I'm down and feeling worthless. It sounds hokey but it does help. For me, the darkness comes from a voice in my head telling me I'm worthless or replaying the things I do or have done wrong in my life. This helps to ground me in the present.
Also when I'm depressed I try to do something for someone else. It gets the focus off of myself and gets me out of my head.
Thanks Dom, I’ll give that a try it’s hard to see positives when you feel like this and all I feel is guilt when I think of my loved ones and what I’m putting them through.
I completely empathize with your situation as I too go through the same type of episodes. Fortunately I didn’t start getting them until I was in my late 30’s. I am now 47. I too have a very supportive husband and son who is now 11. The dark cloud comes for no reason and it eventually lifts. I try to be grateful when the cloud is gone and live “extra” during that time with my family. Which does help. However the guilt of not being emotionally present for weeks is really hard. I’m on meds that do help but they are not a cure. I just joined this today because I have found what really helps me is knowing I’m not alone. I have a couple of very close friends that go through the same thing. They lift my spirits just by being around them because I know I can totally be myself and not be judged. I never I have to explain anything , they just know. We don’t even really talk about it with each other unless we just need an emotional pick up. Sometimes we compare notes on what other peoples advice or comments have been. For example, we all have heard “why don’t you just go to the gym or take a walk, or snap out of it”. We laugh about how ridiculous those comments are to us. Of course it’s usually unsolicited advice from a person that doesn’t have our condition. I usually just say “sure maybe I’ll try that.” Knowing full well that it would not just magically make me normal again. So when I talk with my friends we actually have a good laugh about the most recent “advice” we have received. And then move on. Sadly my two closest friends have moved out of state so I don’t have that outlet. We still talk, but people get busy and when you live 1500 miles away, the opportunity is not very often. So I joined today hoping my times when I feel absolutely alone are less frequent. I don’t know if anything I said helped you, I hope so. Just know you are not alone. It can be very challenging to climb out of the hole by yourself. I wish you the best and as I try to tell myself this episode is gonna pass eventually.
Thanks for your helpful response any advice and support is always appreciated, I have just joined myself today so that in itself proves I’m not alone as I feel I am with this, it’s just so hard to accept it and try and get it through it when I spend all of my day trying to find a cure and trying to make this go away which I know doesn’t help but I can’t seem to stop.
Hopefully you can find a new support network close by who can help you with your dark episodes
My advice is: Do something. Yes it seems so simple. If u are doing something do more. Do more to help yourself. It takes work to overcome but it's worthwhile. Get the courage and strength to do more. Read about your condition. Educate yourself. Try coping mechanisms. It's all. cureable. Many things are NOT.
There are two things at work here: your brain and mind. They are two different things remember this. Keep your thoughts at bay and allow your mind to lead you through this. Meditation works wonders my friend. Try it. It's a good place to start
I think I will, I’m going to get the headspace app and try work my way through the exercises. My thoughts are crippling me and I feel helpless to stop them so I’m going to try it, I’ve read up on it a lot but never stuck at it
The one people speak often about is mindfulness but if you practice meditation consistently any type really you'll see results. Search you tube. Google meditation. Read about it. The info is out there that meditation does wonders.
Sounds like what I’m going through yes, it’s the erratic intermittent nature of it that I just can’t understand or explain, if it was there constantly maybe I could accept it more
You don't have to allow your brain any control over you.
Someone mentioned meditation here.
It is an excellent way to learn how to control your brain.
YouTube has some excellent videos to help you learn.
I like one done by " pick up limes", I find her very easy to look at. I was kind of resistant to the whole meditation thing, but she helped to get me right past that!
It just seems impossible to stop the negative thoughts at times like this, can I ask roughly how long you meditate for and is it something you should do every day?
Let me start at the beginning. I felt totally helpless, when I read something, I wouldn't comprehend it, later, I wouldn't even remember having read it. Nothing I did would work out, really simple things turned out wrong. I constantly obsessed about the past. My failings, why this and that,etc. It was an overwhelming burden of guilt, remorse, and failure. I began to worry about the future too! That my wife and I would run out of money and end up in a welfare nursing home, in dirty diapers, with pressure sores, and no one to help or care. Then I became obsessed with ending the misery. O was Soo miserable I couldn't stand it. I developed a lot of physical symptoms too. Chest pain, headaches, diarrhea, constipation, difficulty eating. I realized that there was just no way to die easy, that I could end up being disabled, unable to care for myself, or that I would suffer a terrible death. In my desperation I started watching YouTube videos about how to get out oy hole, I have always been fascinated with neuroplasticity, and that gave me hope.
I learned that my brain would respond to discipline and effort, just like muscles do. I started reading to develop my mind. I would read the same sentence over and over, until I understood it. ( Just like I did in college when studying Anatomy and Physiology, organic chemistry, and other difficult subjects)
My brain responded quickly and I was reading stuff like James Michener before I knew it.
I learned that I had a lot of negative self talk, and that I could control it. I dabbled in meditation as a way to further control my thoughts. ( Clearing your mind is a beginning step in meditation). I'm a 65 y.o. man and I feel happy when I see little kids, young attractive women, things I don't get enough of now that I'm old. So I was attracted to watching Ted Talks and how to videos about self help by attractive women. That's how I found Pick up Limes. I think you will find whatever you need if you keep trying.
Anyway the success I had spurred me on. I prayed, listened to sermons my son's did ( they both grew up to be ministers, I never went to Church) . Meditated, went to AA meetings to get out of the house, anything I could do to help myself. Oh yeah and I used telephone apps too. Before I knew it the negative thoughts were gone. I guess I was so busy learning new things that they were crowded out by positive thoughts. I wrote a long post a couple days ago about my journey that I Know will help you.
I decided that nothing will work if you don't believe in it. So when I decide to try something, I convince myself that it Will Work, I don't entertain any thoughts to the contrary.
I also learned that I could control my emotions too, as in recently someone got in my face cussing and screaming at me, acting aggressive, even pushing me.
I knew she was trying to provoke me, so I didn't let it bother me. I never knew I could do that!
You will find the answers you seek too, Believe in something, practice it, push negative thoughts out. Keep a record of your successes to refer to on darker days.
Don't say things like: I can't do that, instead say I haven't been good at that in the past. Fortunately for you, I grow tired now and have to close.
I know you will find your own answers, and find them quickly. I always talk about YouTube because I can listen when my eyes are too tired to read, and of course your brain likes the pleasant images too!
I want to add that there are phone apps too. I used one where you pick out smiling faces. They say it trains your mind to see positive things. In retrospect I don't really know what worked because I did everything. I never did much meditation, because I like to be more active. I do it at night mostly, especially if I'm having problems falling asleep!
Thanks so much for sharing all of that with me, feel free to talk as much as you like! The fact that you are 65 now and have lived through all of this and came out of the other side gives me hope. I have been living with this for over 25 years now (I’m 38) and the thought of having to keep constantly going through this for another 25+ years is demoralising.
I think a big part of my problem is I start to try meditation, ted talks, self help books etc when I feel like this then when I come out of it and life goes back to normal I stop doing anything in relation to my mental health as I feel okay now, which only makes it so much worse when I dip again as I can’t accept or believe that it has happened again, I find it impossible to accept and just constantly try to fight it in my mind and find quick fixes.
I’m going to go and read your post from a few days ago now to try and inspire me further.
Wow, I'm glad to hear all of this, I do the same thing- seek out the advice of older guys.
You got this!
Falling down is just part of living. You keep getting up, and that's all that matters.
It's great that you know that the sun will be coming out again.
I too have to constantly remind myself of that . It's a reason I'm on here, verbalizing it, helps me to remember, and keeps my demons at Bay. I learned that from AA. They always say that to keep it, you have to give it away!
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New to this thing and up to my neck
New to this group and just looking for people like me for support. 
Not sure how to proceed with anxiety and depression
A Way To Deal With Depression and Anxiety
My journey about anxiety + depression and how i really cope it with my own help and ofc little help from family.
