My social anxiety makes me think about suicide

[olvpaig91]

I just joined because I don’t where where else to turn. I have nobody I can talk to. I honestly don’t know where to begin, but I try my best. I don’t ever give up. I force myself to continue progressing my life no matter how scary it feels. I’m currently doing an internship at my local zoo because I want to work with animals, but every day I’m there, I’m so socially awkward and we have to socialize to get stuff done and I literally can feel it taking over my body. The morning meetings are the worst because we have to stand in a circle and it just starts in without me doing anything. My body feels like it’s under a microscope and my face begins to feel like concrete and get hot and it feels like everyone is staring at me and I feel so embarrassed for no reason. It makes me hate myself and wish I was never born. I’m missing out on living and worst of all, I have a four year old son who is also very shy and I’m afraid if I fail that I’m just hurting him. I always tell myself he deserves better than a socially awkward freak of a mom like me. Some days are better than others and I can socialize on a level of okay and other days like today it’s like I have taken four steps forward in building my self worth then a hundred steps back. If one person looks at me wrong or one small encounter that will ruin my entire state of mind and I instantly think about killing myself not because of clinical depression, but because I hate myself so much for not being able to socialize and enjoy my life. I think everyone thinks I’m weird and awkward even though my conscious mind says that’s not rational. My level of insight serves me no justice because my body feels what my mind initially strives to eliminate, but then my mind reacts to my body and the negative self thoughts just take over like a disease. I grew up in foster care and have had a crappy life and I try to put that behind me, but my social anxiety reminds me because I’m like this because of what I went through. I tried medications, but the weight gain just gave me more reason to be embarrassed which fuels my self hatred. I tried getting into counseling, but there’s no availability of counselors that could help me in my area. I tried this one lady, but I left feeling worse every time. Eating carrots and doing yoga won’t kill this monster inside me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so sad and I feel so alone. I feel like a failure no matter how hard I try. I always think of where my son will go if one day I’m simply not strong enough to wake up another morning.

[pink83737]

I have social anxiety also and i also have an internship on working with animals, i know how you feel, social anxiety sucks and its hard to even get help but the way to overcome this is to force yourself in social situations, maybe practice having a conversation with yourself (i do this a lot) just to prepare myself before i talk to people. I get hot too and my face gets all red also it sucks and makes it so much worse it feels like but please don't try and hurt yourself you definitely are not alone and you're here for a reason, suicide doesn't end pain it passes it down to someone else, your son needs you, Please hang in there and try working on putting yourself in those social situations because the more you do the easier it becomes, just like riding a bike at first its hard but when you keep practicing the easier it will be.

[pintobean]

It may not feel like it, but you are very brave to keep trying. It is brave to go to the internship and brave to write this post. I know it’s hard, I have been there and still struggle. Your son loves you because you are his Mom, unconditionally. Try to feel a little of that love deep down and know you are worthy. As corny as it sounds, you can try this app called Woebot. It’s annoying at times and sometimes simplistic, but it has some good advice and has emergency information too. Take care.

[jkl5500]

First of all, if you are seriously thinking of self-harm please get to the ER immediately. I am so sorry that you think so badly of yourself because of things beyond your control (like growing up in foster care). It's clear to me that you need therapy to help you get past all the self-consciousness and low self-esteem. Maybe you could see your GP and ask for a referral for a therapist. There simply have to be some resources available in your area. I wish you all the best.

[hurtingheart1]

Oh wow sorry you're dealing with such pain!! Please love yourself more though! I agree totally with pintobean(cute name by the way!) you are very brave!!!👏👏👏💐💞 That's awesome you've done all this and a being a mother maybe a single mother even?? give yourself some breaks and be kinder to yourself!!!

[GodspropLizzy]

Dear olvpaig91

I am also a single mom and i remember when my son was four and i was going through such a hard time. When he had just turned around nine i had to take prozac. It was because of so many reasons but when my grandmother died i just collapsed emotionally. I felt like she was the only person who understood me and loved me and i wanted to be there for my son and better for my son just like you.

Please, please, please, you don't have to be okay with anything that i say. But please do something for me- please take a look and read this book. It's called 'i want to change but i don't know how' and it is written by two therapists named Tom Rusk and Randy Mead.

It'll be okay, i know it! You're trying to get help and you took a great step of courage and bravery like they have said and the replies.

Always know you're not alone. I thought i was till i read about people like you who are people like me. And you helped me try out social media which i'm glad i did thanks to you.

[gjetson33]

I am sorry that you are going through this time. Like a PP stated please try and be kinder to yourself. You are worth living. Life can have moments of difficulty and I pray that for you this passes quickly, so that you can find some peace and rest. You are not alone...Praying for you!