I have had trust issues for a long time. I remember when I was younger, my best friend in first grade stopped being my friend and then I never knew my birth father and he never wanted anything to do with me. My best friend from like 4th grade stopped being my friend in 7th grade when she became a beer leader and she said I wasn’t cool enough anymore. It seems like I would feel abandoned after guys would break up with me and then a lot of them cheated on me. One cheated on me and got another girl pregnant. Another said he wasn’t talking to another girl even when I found proof.
Fast forward to now, I have an amazing boyfriend who I have always wanted. He has never given me any reason not to trust him. I can only see him once or twice a week because he has his daughter Wednesday to Saturday and I won’t meet her until next month. So when I am not with him, I feel the need to text him all the time or speak to him on the phone. I feel like I keep seeking reassurance from him that he loves me and won’t cheat on me. He still is in contact with his ex wife because they share custody. She texts him at random times about personal stuff or crying to him because she had a panic attack. She’s very attention seeking. He doesn’t respond to those messages unless they deal with his daughter. He tells me when she texts him or calls. I try not to ask if she talked to him each day. I hate asking because it makes me sound like a clingy girlfriend who gets jealous. My anxiety gets the best of me and it comes off as I don’t trust him. Him and I have talked about when I act like this and he said he understands it’s my anxiety so he just deals with it but I want to let him know I trust him. I do trust him I just can’t help my anxiety. What can I do?
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perkofawallflower
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I understand needing that assurance. Do you have a therapist? Learning to be present in the moment will help you not get sucked in to feeling the feelings of the past and thinking they have validity now. Perhaps instead of asking him if he spoke to his ex, you can tell him how you are feeling. Asking him reinforces your compulsion which lessens the anxiety in the short term. But it sets the cycle up for the next time around. You could say to him, “I miss you and I wish we could see each other. Missing you is causing me to feel ......”. I hope you find relief.
I do not currently have a therapist but I asked my sister for he name of one which she is getting my the contact info. I am definitely going to start seeing a therapist. Asking him only provides temporary relief but then it’s a vicious cycle of me needing to ask all the time. Him and I have talked about it and he said when I ask he feels like I don’t trust him. That makes sense to say missing him makes me feel..... and express how I feel so he doesn’t feel like I don’t trust him. I think it makes him feel bad when I ask all the time.
You have some good insight. He is right in how he is interpreting things. A part of you doesn’t trust him. We have to be careful we don’t create our biggest fear. Asking him over and over could eventually become too much. I’m glad you are going to find a therapist. The best thing is you are aware of what you are doing. It sounds like you have a good man.
Yes he is very good and very patient with me. I know in the past I have ran guys always because I come off as very insecure. I am learning to trust again just very slowly. He has been cheated on too so he knows where I am coming from. I am so glad to have found someone that is so understanding. I want to be able to give him the respect and trust that he deserves. I don’t want to feel like I am such a burden and full of baggage.
I never knew who my father was and grew up only in and out of foster homes in between staying with my mother who is a sociopath. I know abandonment issues...and you have them. Your best bet is to be open and honest with your boyfriend and yourself that this constant need for re-assurance stems from this abandonment fear....stop now comparing your current relationship to the past ones. Stop looking for something that is not there. He is going to have to have communication with the ex- because they share a daughter...it's no reflection on you....he has committed to you....stop yourself with trust issues getting in the way...he would not be there if he didn't want to be....don't let your irrational fears push him away...get help...see a therapist who understands these fears and start learning how to do reality checks and put things into perspective.
My boyfriend I talk a lot about my anxiety and I told him I have abandonment issues. I know I need to work on a lot on my end. He said he loves me and is willing to stick with me and is so patient with me. I have so much to work on and I am trying not to put my last hurts on him.
you can't do it alone my friend...as understanding as your boyfriend is...he is not a professional who can help you with the skills your going to need to work through these issues.
just remember to give yourself a great big hug...yes...because your taking care of that inner kid who is scared and afraid.....be as open and honest as possible and give yourself all the time you need and want to heal at your own pace. This is going to have ups and downs as sometimes it's hard to admit when we have a fault, it's normal....but your already so far ahead by knowing you want to fix this...your doing really really good.....don't suffer like I had to for decades with this, you don't have to.
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