New here. Need advise : I’m a 31 year... - Anxiety and Depre...

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New here. Need advise

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I’m a 31 year old single girl, living alone in a big city. I feel so lonely. And stressed. And I don’t know what to do. A little about me, my family lives in another country. I’m doing my masters in a pretty stressful field and applying for higher studies which I have failed to get into twice already. It’s hard to have succeeded all your life and then fail twice. Work is stressful. Living alone is getting to me. All my friends are elsewhere coz I recently moved here. Got a dog, but that’s not helping either. In fact is become more work and I have zero social life. Boyfriend and I have had problems for a year now and he lives in another city and given an option, doesn’t want to be with me. Family back home is falling apart with parents getting divorced and it’s becoming a bigger drama day by day. Having to call my mom twice or thrice a day to make sure she isn’t depressed coz she is alone. In between all this, I take zero care of myself. I’ve put on weight. I don’t dress smart or look good. I’m getting so bitter towards everything that I don’t even smile anymore at jokes. My to do list is piling up way way way more than I can do. And I fail at something or the other every single day. Yesterday boyfriend wasn’t happy with me. Today mom isn’t. Two days ago, I got rejected for some position at work. And as masters program doesn’t pay much, I don’t have the money to pay for a therapist. Any advise please ?

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lynnalice

I’m so sorry you are alone and having family and relationships problems, your situation is very difficult to manage... is there anyone in your masters program you can reach out to and form a friendship? Even just one person can make a huge difference. I would be feeling exactly how you are in your situation.

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We don’t have therapy options or something at my masters program. Regarding friends, unfortunately I haven’t been able to make friends. It’s at that level of education where people come after working for a while and everybody or almost everybody is past 30 and has a family. So it’s more like cordial and professional colleagues. Hence my struggle. I wish. I just wish there was someone who I could connect to. Thanks for your concern. Appreciate it. Felt like finally acknowledged it instead of just saying “stay strong”! As though I haven’t tried to stay strong. Boyfriend has helped for a long long time. But his help is that, when I’m having a bout of depression, he stays and takes my agitation and becomes my punching bad. But for months, literally months after that, I get told how I’m weak and he had to take the brunt of my depression. Over two years, our relationship has got so sour that it is the main cause of my depression now. I’ve been told to break up because he doesn’t want to hear about my depression. He says I’m too negative and make him negative too. He is not to blame. He’s been living with it for long too. So I don’t ever tell him anymore when I feel bad.

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sweetiepye

Hello Sandy, Congratulations on your achievements to date. You must be a very capable person. You are aware that this is probably a temporary problem that will change over time. Then you'll get new ones to deal with. Since your Mother is on her own and probably totally freaked out by what she is going through why not have her move in while you are alone. It would be a wonderful opportunity to get to know her as a person. Rethink the boyfriend and work on looking smart. Be what you are. Pam

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in reply to sweetiepye

Thanks sandy. That’s very nice of u to give those compliments. I’ve worked so hard. Been a straight A. Got into one of the tough courses, came to the US all by myself to pursue it further and now to fail and fail just feels so unreal. Like everything I thought about myself and was proud of is falling apart day by day. It’s been two years since I’m applying for the same post doc and I’m just not able to get it. People with lesser than my credentials get in. My mentors can’t find anything wrong in my cv and I interview good and I still haven’t got in in two application years. I’ve put my personal life on hold just so that this gets done. Now I’m 31, boyfriend might break up anytime and im not even getting the thing for which all this personal life mayhem happened in the first place. I keep telling my

Mom to come over. But she lives in a different country and is working too. So she can’t. And she is too scared to do anything. All my family, all my friends are in my home country or in a different state. I’m trying to get through like u said. I totally agree. Thank you! You’re very kind.

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sweetiepye
sweetiepye
in reply to Hidden

I have a totally different response, not better just different. Keep that momentum going if you slow down or stop you may never go back. I am .sorry to say this .but the smartest don't always get the job It helps if you know someone who knows someone.In the USA making a friend can take a short amount of time. Now you won't be a true friend but you will be an acquaintance and that may give you an edge. You need a social life with a purpose. Tell Mom you need her Another thought.. your family in another state ; do they know anyone in your field who might have a connection in the state you are in? Don't give up on yourself. I have found it is the things I haven't done in life, the chances I haven't taken that I regret the most.

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in reply to sweetiepye

Hello. Yeah, I realized that a few months ago. I have made some acquaintances over the last few months. Will get to know if they will work, once my application goes in in July. It took me a while to understand his logic, coz when I came here for masters, I knew all of three or four people in the States and got in to a top tier program without any help. Now I’m realizing how America works! My mom doesn’t live in another state. She lives in another country. I’m also hoping she comes by sometime. Thank you again. I won’t give up. I’ll try till the end. Thank you 😊

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Take some of that time and use it on yourself even if it means other people missing out.

You can't keep doing all of this without having some you time, rest, or join a group or something, just make sure you get a break every so often. Every one needs their own space.

Also you can come onto here to chat this place is filled with fantastic people, there are friends to be made here.

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in reply to Hidden

Thank you so much. Yes I was thinking of Joining some meetup group or something. And yes, this place seems awesome. Thank you!!! So much!

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in reply to Hidden

What kind of group did you have in mind?

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in reply to Hidden

Like a single girls meet up or like a hiking group , on meetup.com. Or puppy play dates groups. So that some distraction and social interaction exists.

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in reply to Hidden

The hiking sounds good, it would really get you away from it all.

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in reply to Hidden

Yup. 😊

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sallyw_12
sallyw_12
in reply to Hidden

Hi Sandycn079- I have done Meetup groups and I have volunteered at a local pet shelter. Both of these have given me a purpose when I otherwise was floundering. Oftentimes, just finding some activity to take your mind off the current situation, if only for a few hours, can be a welcome relief. Good luck! (From one single girl living alone in a big city to another!)

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in reply to sallyw_12

Thanks sally. I’m gonna look up meetup groups today. 😊

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softwaremom00

When you have been very successful and then fail it can be really hard. We all fail in life.. failure is inevitable.. sometimes it all seems to come at once... the Sun will come out. It will get better and I am sure of this. Remember you need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. It is not selfish. Can you help your mom find a therapist ? I am sure it is hard on you having to be there when you have a lot going on in your own life.

A lot of cities and towns have therapists where you pay on a sliding scale .. maybe you can find one of those therapists. There is an old book.. I loved this book.. it was called "How to raise your self esteem" - when I was about your age I went through all of the exercises and found that it helped me a lot. I think it is available used on Amazon for .25 cents(Shipping is more) What about trying to do some Mindfulness Meditation ? Here is the website from the place near me themindfulcenter.com - there are a lot of folks teaching this. I would not be surprised if there were low cost/free classes near you. Mindfulness Meditation will help you to learn to be compassionate with yourself.

Try to understand for yourself why you are holding on to a boyfriend who does not support you ? (There are tons of men out there who would love a smart and wonderful woman like you!) Also remember that sometimes it is better to be alone then with someone who is not a good partner.

Don't be afraid of connecting with someone older.. They can make good friends. Are there any support groups around ? What about another dog lover ? Are you getting enough exercise ? Can you take the dog for a run ?

Lots of hugs and prayers! You sound amazing and I think you need to look in the mirror and realize it!

Softwaremom

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in reply to softwaremom00

Thank you so much. You’re very kind. Psychiatry and therapy is such a taboo in the country where my mom lives. I’m tired of telling her to go and she just doesn’t. They think it’s for crazy people. Hence I call her twice a day. Thanks for the info about the book and the meditation place. I will definitely look into it. I do take my dog out and pretty much that’s my social life. His puppy play dates, his park visits and his vet visits. After a while , I crave for some human time or a girls night out. I will look into local support groups. This forum has been amazing. I never thought so many people would reply. I’ve tried online counseling and stuff and nothing ever worked. And I’m too broke after rent and car and dog care to pay for a real counselor and my insurance doesn’t cover therapy unfortunately. I haven’t exercised in months. I also was thinking to start doing that. Just going to the gym feels so painful to drag myself there. But I know it will help. I will try. Thank u so so much.

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Maya-

I completely understand you. I'm in a similar situation I'm back to school, not much money, far away from family and friends. Being a graduate student is really stressful and it doesn't help if you suffer from any condition, which is my case. In my particular case, I found really helpful talking with other students, we all have problems. With some colleagues, we create a support group. Time to time we meet and vent our problems and concerns and try to encourage each other. Also, you can check if your university has a well center usually, it is free for students.

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in reply to Maya-

Ah. I’m so sorry ur in the same boat. I’m glad u have a wellness support group. Unfortunately my post doc is only three people. So my only interaction is with 7 staff in my lab everyday. This forum has been great today. Hope things better. U take care. And thank you !

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I am sorry you are going through all of this. First you have to stop and take this a step at a time. First, think about the things you do right in the day instead of the other way around. It will make you happy with you. As you do this, it should give you a more positive outlook that should help you get into the school program you are striving to get into. Make a plan, write it down, as you accomplish the different items write down your date of completion, plans can be adjusted, make adjustments where you see fit. One item maybe call mom briefly every day to cheer her up. Another maybe, slowly loosen the emotion ties to boyfriend, etc. Writing it down should make it less overwhelming. I am a praying woman and I could not make it in life without my relationship with the Lord God. Oh yeah, being alone all of the time is horrible, third item on your list maybe determine a way to make friends. Church is a good place🙂. I will be praying for you.

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in reply to Hidden

Thank u so much. The writing it down thing seems really good. And ur examples are good! I’ve always made bigger lists. Like “get into school”, “ have some savings”. The ones you said are so simple that it might actually work for me. And yes, I have to loosen the emotional ties to him. Today for the first time I didn’t open up to him when he asked why I look sad. Though he asks, I’ve had two years experience to know that if I tell him, it will just be bitter conversation. I’m tired of being called a pessimist. I’m tired of hearing stay strong from him. I agree to the stay strong. But when someone is depressed , writing that off and saying ur fine , it’s all in ur head just be positive is so so wrong! And hearing that talking to me makes him depressed is so wrong! And thank u so much for the prayers. My mom’s a religious person. I’m less religious , more spiritual. But the last two years have been so so difficult that I’m kinda starting to lose faith. Tough times exist but when they last for years, it’s so hard to keep faith. I know I sound very negative. But trust me, for the first time in two years, I’ve finally had someone responding, some place where I can actually say things out. Ive felt so heavy all this while. Thank u. Very nice of u. Appreciate it.

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in reply to Hidden

I guess I am religious and spiritual. I go to church at least twice a week but I am spiritual those that worship the Lord do it in spirit and in truth. Sometimes you have to get radical about your healing. God wishes that you prosper and be in good health, he wants good for you not to do you no harm. Do not lose faith, your healing is on the way, your new boyfriend is on the way, your mom’s happiness is on the way, your admission to school is on the way. You can not give up, you can not give in. Be strong in the Lord and the power of His might. Anyone going through what is currently happening with you would be pessimistic but try to fight those thoughts. It will get better.

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in reply to Hidden

😊😊😊😊😊😊. I’ll surely let u know when that happens. Thank you !!! Really thank you !!! 😘

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lynnalice

Meetup.com find something like a women’s singles group anything social!

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in reply to lynnalice

Yes. Thank u

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Agronseth09

You have a lot going on and should be very proud of how far you have come through with your education and just your situation in general. Everything will work itself out and fall into place. I find support groups are just as effective if not more than therapy. Check some in your area out!

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in reply to Agronseth09

Thank you so much 😊

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Sandyxoxx

Wow when it rains it pours ! Yes things did happen one after the other . We all are human ,we all have our ups n downs , we can do everything.

It's ok ,I tried to and I found out I could do what I could !! Don't overwhelm yourself . Baby steps

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kimmy30

love the fact that this is suppose to be a safe place for everyone to come to with no judgment or harassment.

even thought this is a online site you could make friends here. zero social life? sounds like me. Join a (cheap) gym makes friends there, join a church.

go back to school, find a job that will pay for your education(support education).

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