Need help from someone who understands

[katiebug12]

After a very hard last 4-5 years of my life I feel my depression has only gotten worse and worse causing me to not be myself at all. So a couple months ago, I finally asked for help after I had spent most of my life battling depression. The past 4-5 years has been a constant struggle for me in school, work, doing daily activities, taking care of responsibilities, relationships with family friends, etc. Being said, I am so tired of isolating myself from the world, questioning my purpose in life and my future. I am tired of letting myself down and letting this cycle repeat itself over and over again until I feel I have nothing left anymore. I am on medication, I am in therapy, I am trying to be patient but I just want to know how can I get better? How does someone with depression find the motivation to go about a normal life without letting their mind get in the way of it? I am tired of having crying spells out of nowhere, sleeping all the time, feeling lazy, emotional, irritated, and hopeless, all alone, with a lifeless personality. I want to be "me" again, I want to be in control of my life, and not let my depression have a say so in what I am capable of doing or in everyday for every move I can or can't make. Depression has made life that much harder on me and I feel like even though I know I need to be patient because I've only been in treatment for a few months, I still don't know how to get any better or if my medication is working or if I should be talking about particular things in therapy? When will I be able to see an improvement?

My depression is ruining everything I want in life and it's making me forget what is important to me. I feel worn down, I feel lost, I am losing interest in things that I have always loved and I find myself giving up on goals because they feel impossible, or just because I have failed, doubted myself, made mistakes or ruined relationships, I cannot go about the process of pursuing the future I wanted to have. It sucks because this is not how I ever pictured life would be at this stage of my life. I expected myself to be in a much better place than this yet three months ago I found myself crying in a psychiatrists office wondering what the hell is wrong with me and constantly apologizing to my peers for being so emotionally unstable. The whole reason I decided to get help is because I have had enough and I don't want this to become who I am because it is not who I am at all. I just want to get better, why's that so hard? Am I permanently messed up or can I still recover?

- Thanks for any help or advice or words of encouragement you can give me.

[Dabela]

I don’t know that I can be of much help but I wanted to respond because I wanted you to know you are not alone. I truly feel like everything you said I relate to and understand so much. I recently decided that I can’t do this alone and I started making appts to get help. But it’s been such a long road it’s really hard not to feel like you have to know that it’s going to get better. You have to be able to see the light ahead and when you don’t know if it’s there or not it can feel like you’re defeated before you even start. I often feel like I’m just messed up and that’s all I’m ever going to be. This is my life. And then I start to spiral because what kind of life is that. But I have to believe that there is some part of me that refuses to be defeated by this. And that’s the part that finally asked for help and joined this group and I think that’s the part in you too. And even though we can’t see ahead I think we just have to choose to see our goals and just keep going for them. I don’t mean it’s easy cuz lord knows I’m so tired. But we aren’t alone and I think we can help each other to keep fighting. Even when we don’t want to anymore. ❤️

[katiebug12 in reply to Dabela]

Thank you for responding to my post. I am trying to keep going for my goals even though it has been very difficult to do. I do really love this online support group because when I googled support groups in my area that I live, I did not have many options and I was skeptical about doing it anyway. I guess thats one part of me that says "I've had enough and its time to make a change." but I didn't think that fighting would be this tough. I'm easily exhausted by just doing one simple task like vacuuming because my mind has to negotiate every move I make, until I tell it to shut up and just get up and do it.

[Dabela in reply to katiebug12]

I did the same thing and didn’t have any options near me for support groups. I’m glad we were at least able to find this group. I understand what you mean about the fight. It amazes me how exhausted I feel after doing something I’d consider small. And then the thought of doing something else just doesn’t feel like an option. This road is a tough and unfair one but I think by being here and trying to make things better for ourselves shows that we can get through it. Even if it’s little by little. Because those add up and we’ll be able to see that. If you ever would like to talk please don’t hesitate to pm me. I’d love to be a support system for you. ❤️

[katiebug12 in reply to Dabela]

Thank you so much. I really appreciate that.

[Missnoname]

I totally understand. Especially the part about wanting to be yourself again. I wish I had an answer for you, but I don't. I just wanted to let you know there are others out there that truly do understand.

[katiebug12 in reply to Missnoname]

its good to know that someone understands what I am going through. I want to be myself again so bad and I am trying. I didn't ever want to admit that I needed to look for help but I never knew that the fight would be this hard. I never used to feel like this a long time ago. I didn't used to have trouble taking care of responsibilities and I never used to try to isolate myself from friends and family because I have always been the type of person who loves to be around people that I love. For some reason within the last at least 6 years I have felt otherwise and it hurts to allow my mind to continue to control me.

[Missnoname in reply to katiebug12]

I am the same. I used to be very outgoing, now it's like pulling teeth just to force myself to go to the store. When I look back at pictures from 5 or 6 years ago, it's like I don't even know who that person is... That person that was always smiling, that slept 6-7 hrs a night and was always ready to get up and start the day, who worked out all the time, traveled... Now I have to literally drag myself out of bed, if I can even do that. What keeps me going is that I know I can be better, because I was better before. Baby steps are huge achievements when you're stuck in a place like this... Focusing on the little e things I AM doing instead of everything I'm not helps sometimes.

[hurtingheart1]

Sorry you're feeling this way!!!💞🙁Feel for you & yea you're not alone & there is hope!!! was reading through some things you wrote and sounds like you are kind of thinking out/answering some of your own thoughts/questions maybe?- like yes try be patient as you can &maybe journal/ keep notebook to write down thoughts/questions you want to ask therapist and questions about medicines and amounts? and when should u see improvements? I relate to things you mentioned and I appreciate your thoughts & I say we can all have hope for chance at something better& try 2 help eachother on here to get where we want to be!!🌻☺️keep posting when u can & take good care also look into nutritional health as well maybe you have vitamin deficiencies?& or also hormones can play part I knw for us girls at times as well -that isn't always paid enough attention to such as to do with cycles and birth control even can take toll on hormones/chemical balances in brain/serotonin levels-I've been trying to research more about this myself for littl while and learned great tips so far!! just some thoughts!🌸🌼

[katiebug12 in reply to hurtingheart1]

Yes, thank you for replying to my post. I do keep a journal that I write in every once in a while when I need to empty my brain. Sometimes I have so many things on my mind that I get overwhelmed and it only makes the depression worse. I have looked into my nutritional health too, I do not have any vitamin deficiencies. I actually am working towards becoming a registered dietitian so I do try to make sure that I am eating healthy and taking my vitamins. I do take omega 3 fish oil, vitamin D3, B vitamins, and occasionally I do my own research just to see what other things may help me... I do recognize a difference in my moods when I keep up with good eating habits and exercise daily.

[Hidden]

Hi, I am also here to tell you that you aren’t alone. I have sunk into the worst depression I’ve ever had and it’s been going on 8 months. I cannot work which is not my personality. What medication are you on and how long have you been on it?

[katiebug12 in reply to Hidden]

Hi! Thanks for responding. I am currently taking Lexapro 20 mg. I’m not sure whether it’s working or not sometimes I can tell but other times I don’t know.

[Hidden in reply to katiebug12]

I am on Lexapro and Abilify, a small dose of 1mg to augment the Lex. It sounds like your Lex alone isn’t doing the job and you are suffering still. I’ve had major depression for the last 8 months following a job loss. I put off taking medication but it got worse. The medication has helped greatly. My faith has been my bedrock. Seeking support and keeping my life as stress free as possible while I gain strength is also very important. Are you able to live at home and stop working for a while so you can just focus your energy on your health?

[Gina_B]

So you are seeing a counselor, right? The right counselor will help carry your burden. As will we here in this forum. Please be kind to yourself - it's okay to have bad days. Try not to see how things are now as a sentence over this rest of your life. Take one day at a time and do your best there. I bet your friends and people around you don't think your half as bad as you do. When you need a break, take a break. Maybe this period in your life has something to teach you. You can view it as learning empathy toward others that you will come across in life who feel the way you are feeling right now. Yes, you have failed and made mistakes, we all have, but those things don't define you, how you get up and keep going is what defines you. I don't know what you think of as emotionally stable, but none of us (except maybe sociopaths who have no real feelings!) feel one way all the time. I pray you learn to go easier on yourself. Hugs

[katiebug12 in reply to Gina_B]

Thank you so much I really appreciate your kind words!