Realizing I need 'help'

[Rothso]

Hello. Just came across this site, thought I'd see if it could be helpful. I'm in my 30's. I've noticed some changes in myself, such as being very tired all the time no matter how much sleep I get, zero motivation, very unproductive, unhappy, etc. I just thought it was just a phase or something that will pass. The more I keep reading things about depression, the more I relate to the words/symptoms that are shared. I have never been to a doctor about this cuz I do not have insurance, so I haven't been diagnosed by a professional. Also, I don't want them to just give me pills to fix this. With my depression, I hide it well. Nobody would ever know. I keep it to myself as I don't want to be a burden, worry anyone, nor do I want anyone to look at me different. Im ALWAYS there for ANYONE, even if they're strangers, yet I won't seek help for myself, let alone accept it. I put everyone before myself & my heart breaks for their pain. I'm actually the 'funny' one always making everyone laugh etc. I don't mope around or show any signs when I'm around others. It's a weird thing to describe. I feel like I'm always making excuses just to avoid explaining how I feel. There's SO many things I want to do I go over & over in my head but the best way to explain is, I feel paralyzed when it comes down to actually being productive & getting it done. I get overwhelmed & don't do any of it, which then makes me feel even worse & unproductive. It's a vicious cycle. I don't have good thoughts about myself & I don't always have a positive attitude like I used to. I know if I change my perspective & mental thoughts, I can make things much better for myself but I just don't know how to turn that around. I'm not sure where to go or what to do so I can better myself & my life. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you for your time

[Momma_Cia]

Its great that you recognize that something is wrong. That is the first step, and believe me, it is the hardest. It is difficult to admit that you may have a mental illness. Clinical depression is a debilitating disease of the brain and if you can fully accept that, then you can accept the help that you need. Professional help is recommended as Psychologist, Family Doctor, or Psychiatrist. It will be important to seek out any free healthcare services that you can find -even if they are far across town. I remember when I first realized something was wrong, I was referred to a free program about an hour drive from home. It was well worth it having someone to speak to -since no one else knew what was going on inside my head. I too had held everything in while secretly dying inside. I used to be the life of the party, but there is only so long that you can hold this in as a "dirty little secret". Along with Professional help, you will need help from personal supports. Fnd a trusted friend to share your struggles with. Brace yourself, they may not get it, but allow someone to be there for you.

All the best,

Mommacia

[Rothso in reply to Momma_Cia]

Hi mommacia! Thank you so much for the reply & advice, appreciate it. I will have to do some research for local options. Without insurance, I know I'm limited, but anything is better than nothing 😊

[Cupcake5782]

Hello Rothso, I don't really have any advice for you, but you are not alone. I feel the same way and I'm still trying to get better. I totally am the same way with motivation and trying to be productive and then i get so overwhelmed that nothing gets done which makes you feel so worthless. It's aweful!! I wish we could just get a brain transplant to change the way we think. Lol

I hope we all find peace soon ~Lindsay

[Rothso in reply to Cupcake5782]

Hi Lindsay! Thank you for taking the time to share your kind words, appreciate it 😊 This community is nice so you can talk with people who have similar experiences & understand. Some people I don't want to even reach out to cuz I don't feel they wouldn't believe me anyway. On the outside, I act 'normal', as in everything seems to be good, I have a nice life, I make jokes, I'm silly & fun to be around etc. When I'm alone, which is most of the time, I'm having a hard time.

[Cupcake5782 in reply to Rothso]

I totally can relate. It gets so exhausting putting on an act sometimes. It really stinks too cause I have a pretty good life compared to some and I am grateful for that, but I can't help that I feel this way in my head. I know when it's time to be alone i get really down. I feel consumed lately with my depression and social anxiety. I'm trying to get an appointment with a therapist, so I'm hoping that will help. I hate being negative, but I don't think it's going to because I tried in the past, but I'm willing to try it again because I'm hardly living, im just surviving.

[Lostjoy]

Hi Rothso, I'm glad you found this site? I don't have insurance either. I went to my primary Dr. A few times, plus saw a physiatrist once, and a physiologist three times. It all cost quite a bit. That was seven months ago. I can't afford to go to the Dr anymore. Plus I don't feel like any of it helped me anyway.

I did find a support group at a local church where I live. If you are in the US I will give you the website, so you can search for one if you want. I've been twice. I feel like it is helping.

[Lostjoy in reply to Lostjoy]

I should add that the church lends out the room on Tuesday evenings. It's not really affiliated with the church. It is not a meeting based on religion.

I feel very comfortable with the people attending, as well as the 2 leaders. They also have a licensed Dr. Who is present at times. It is free.

I don't know what else to add except I've been horrible for over 7 months now, and this site has helped me. I think I actually found the website by reading through some of he posts here.

I haven't been very good with the breathing, exercise, and mindfulness. All of the things we are told to do when feeling bad. Last night I googled CBT and found some good tips.

If you are able to find anything that helps, please share as well.

Well wishes for you to feel better..

[Hidden]

I can so relate to what you're saying. It's exactly how I am feeling. I actually felt better a short while ago. Not sure what happened. When I have a few things to do I also am completely overwhelmed and feel stressed out. I snap at my partner because I need him to get out of my way because I have too much to do. In reality it's a couple of simple jobs. I've hidden my depression for years behind my sense of humour and life and soul of the party. I guess I didn't understand drpression myself. I'm off pills as I got fed up with chopping and changing different types. I am trying so hard to change my way of thinking too. I am the most negative person in the world. My sense of humour is also negative, I now feel if I keep away from people it's easier for them and me. Therapy helped me for a while. It certainly helped me understand some of my issues. Maybe you could try talking to a professional counsellor. I will say that a few months ago I did feel well. I was brighter and started believing in myself so there is hope for us all.