New here

[Ccb198]

Hello,

I wanted to give a little background to let everyone why I am here. About two years ago I was diagnosed with an anxiety and a panic disorder. My wife and I had just had a little girl and we're both going for a management position at the same company. Company policy allowed it because we were always the same level and if one of us did get it, we just had to be in separate buildings. Recommendation, don't ever compete with someone you love. I ended up getting it and my wife and I got into a huge argument. All of a sudden in the middle of it, my first panic struck. I began hyperventilating and sweating profusely, literally thought I was dying. I didn't know if it was a heart attack or what.

Fast forward, I was diagnosed, my wife left her job to stay home with our daughter and I'm left as the sole provider. Well, any manager of a company can tell you, things get shady at the top. I had ideas stolen, ostracized for not hiring someone's friend, and finally was thrown into a very difficut situation where my company was lying to the client. This is big money I'm talking about. Not to mention, no one knew what was going on.

This caused me to demote myself to an analyst position, but I was so screwed up when I started that I messed everything up. Well I broke down in front of my boss (embarrassing as hell) who believe it or not took it seriously. My job depends on others work completion and then in a matter of just a few days, I have to compile all there work and send it. A lot of people are upset w me as i have to point out there mistakes when compiling, and I'm not a manager. I often can't eat and have lost a ton of weight. I also puke most days do to nerves or self hatred.

Luckily my wife and I are better than ever. She went back to work and is super supportive of me. I am finally talking to someone again this week and hope they can help. My brain is now affecting my health and it scares the crap outta me.

Sorry for the long post but there's actually a lot more to it, but I'm not going to tell you my whole past in the first post lol. If you made it this far, thank you for listening.

[Scott1951]

So sorry you are going through this turmoil. I agree, it's scary not being able to trust our own brains. I like being in control but that's not always possible with an anxiety disorder. I broke down in front of an employer, too. The job was a bad fit for me and I kept getting more and more anxious. I finally walked into the CEO's office, broke down crying and quit on the spot. The next job I got was a much better fit.

Is this a job that you really want to keep doing? Sounds like some unethical stuff is going on, that you get caught in the middle and that it is ruining your health. Is there any chance of a leave of absence? A new, less stressful job? I know you have a family to support. I sure hope you can find a way forward.

[Ccb198 in reply to Scott1951]

Thanks Scott, your support means a lot. It's an awful fit for me and I have been trying to find jobs but it's been a struggle. I've even felt like they aren't letting me leave because they are afraid of what I may tell HR. For example, I tried applying somewhere else and someone from hr (friends with my old manager, extremely unethical) says to me "oh I heard you interviewed w so and so....." never heard back nor do they respond to my messages (This was in November).

I want to take a step back honestly so I can get better but I need to feed my family. I've had an opportunity to take two dif jobs but it would have been a major pay cut or loss of Health insurance.

Doing my best though, joining this group was part of my getting better. Thanks again!

[Madison10]

Hi there,

Life has a lot of twists and turns and nobody is exempt. You have a lot going on. Sometimes you have to step back and decide what is important. I believe the first step is expressing it, verbally or writing. I find writing about it helps. You said you found someone to talk to. I finally found group therapy on depression and anxiety, it was good for me, then one by one they left and the therapist said she would see me individually . I went for about 8 months, it did not work out. Now I am looking everywhere for help. I was diagnosed with a major depression disorder and PTSD.

As you were saying about the unethical things about a company. I was a Project Manager in a high security underground complex. I stumbled on embezzlement lost my job, few months later, auto accident, rolled down a hill, a home invasion. My meltdown. I fighting my way back. Thanks for listening. I am a good listener if you want to chat

[Ccb198 in reply to Madison10]

Thanks for the advice. Personally I basically ran into something similar, big lies that would have cost the company major money if the client found out. I actually have been considering taking a step back, being real with myself. After talking to my new counselor, she feels I have major depression and need medication. I'm seeing my medical doctor but not soon enough. I'm trying to find a new job but in this area in my field, everyone knows everyone. I was actually blocked from leaving.

I too am fighting though. I meditate, body scans are helping. Also forcing myself to eat. Talking about it helps. Free for a listen or chat anytime as well, thanks!

[Madison10 in reply to Ccb198]

Hi,

Thanks for replying. I am on a low dose of Zoloft. I was diagnosed with a major depression order. I was in group therapy and everyone dropped out. The counselor said she would continue to see me one on one. She convinced me that a psychiatrist could manage my meds. I was on a waiting list for 3 months. The psychiatrist here don’t get involved with therapy. So I drive 25 miles for a prescription. I am in there for about ten minutes. I cannot afford the copayment for both of them. My counselor and I ended very badly, not my fault. I changed medical doctors and plan on asking him if he will manage my meds. I was just at the psychiatrist and got prescription for a year, so I have time. Now in the past year, I have an eating disorder. I make sure I drink a lot and force food. I take a meditation class, and do volunteer work. I will try anything to get this under control. I also need someone to talk too. My wife is no support and tell people I joined a cult. I did not. I had a melt down a few years ago. I think I mentioned this, I don’t want to repeat my self . I am not the type that if something is wrong, to do nothing. So I fought hard and got my employed back pay for Five years. They found away to get rid of me without firing me and my letter didn’t say anything about it. Unemployment contacted them and they did not respond. It should have hit me, when I was receiving a lot of bonuses, there were giving me money to shut me up. So with the loss of my job and my car accident and home invasion. I guess it was to much to process. I don’t have anyone to talk to about this. Nobody understands. So. Just expressing this to you is a big help. I wasn’t aware of a site like this and am still cautious. Mane I can help you since I can’t seem to help myself. I don’t take my own advice and this is what I went to school for to be in this this area somewhere. I hope we can continue to tak to each other. I have only talked to a few people. We had a couple conversations and never heard from them again. I am going to go now, I don’t want to bore you to death