It’s more than a month already battling dark thoughts. I spent most of my days in bed, like today... I have recurring thoughts of suicide or just strong wish to die. Insomnia, painful dreams, distress and zero resilience to any news.
I have that need to die but to be honest with you I really really wish to get back my life. I’m 28 yo... and all I do is just sleep....
I feel so desperate. I no longer have any strength...
Are you getting any help for these thoughts /wishes? (((Hugs))) I know it tuff it is to fight off the thoughts
Prozac 20mg. I have no psychotherapy currently, just psychiatrist. I feel worse each day.
I would try to get into to see him/her to let them know and maybe they can help you find a therapist and get you meds that actually help you
That would be just amazing. Unfortunately last year I tried so many different meds and nothing worked. I was taken off meds after 10 months of mixing and trying. And now, almost year later another try with Prozac. I can’t say that it works but my doctor has no other ideas for me.
I'm srr 
I just have to wait through it
There are loads of treatment options, medicine and non-medicine, so many different antidepressants not just SSRI, keep trying, find something that works for you, don’t give up. If nothing works you can even have ECT. Living like this is not worth it.
Keep trying until you find a treatment combination that works. I am also doing the same. I had recovered before, many times. This time it is taking a long time, and also have no energy, on bed sleeping more than 12hours, sometimes 18 hours a day. We have to keep seeking help because this is treatable. Many people have recovered.
My dear, will you allow me to share what happened to me Saturday? I was so depressed that I called my friend and shared how I was feeling. She gave me the Sunday School lesson for Sunday. Then she had to encourage me to use my power to fight off the devil and his suicidal thoughts that I was having. I went and lied down, and another sister called me and she could hear my distress in my voice, so she started making me fight the negative spirit I was in. She did it because of the person ai am in my city. And she reminded me that I have to be strong for the residents in my city.
So, you know what? this feeling you are experiencing, I experience it too. And the way I go through it is by the people who have to say words that may hurt, but help me to keep fighting for my life, against the devil's spirit of suicide. Yes, this feeling is real, and people who don't know or understand it will not be able to help you the way you need it most. After all that anxiety and the hope that God would explain to me why I am still alive, he must be saying, "why not, Jesus went through more than you ever will"
So, I will encourage you to know that you must keep on fighting the overbearing spirit that comes to attack you. One day, you will win and be victorious over this demon. Trust me, God will have to be the one to help, when there is no other way out. Just trust me, baby.
This is only appropriate advice is the poster is a believer in god and the devil. Best to check first before quoting god as for all you know they are an atheist, Hindu, Muslim, Pagan etc. and you could upset them. This is not a specifically Christian site and assumptions can be counter productive. x
thank you for the advice. it is very much appreciated. sorry if I have offended anyone who reads the post.
Not a problem. I expect the poster would say something if you had offended them so no worries. Thank you for understanding what I am saying. I am glad you have your beliefs and that they help you.
A number of us on here who are non believers have taken issue in the past with those quoting or preaching god at us (you weren't doing this) and telling us eg that we would all go to hell unless we believed. As this is a site for everyone no one is allowed to promote their own beliefs the same as not promoting political, race, or any sexual orientation. However if someone states their belief in a certain religion then you are safe to respond accordingly. You replied in good faith and no harm done.
Otherwise these can cause arguments too which is why they are best avoided. The admin will take down any posts/responses which cause dissent on here for the sake of the smooth running of the site. x
I do not wish to offend so I hope that Orangeblossom85 knows that I wrote with the greatest of intentions. By the way, now ai am so sad that I am crying and sniffing while writing, but you know what, I am going to keep my head up and focus on the good that happened to me, not the bad. There is no one here if I wanted to harm myself, so I am letting every negative energy be warned, I am not giving up without a fight..having said that, even those who do have a higher belief, still have dark emotions. This is my transparency talking to anyone who doesn't relate to my comment on the level that I have to give the credit to. enjoy the rest of your day. Happily, of course.
Sorry to hear you are feeling so bad. I find all crying does is make my eyes all red and puffy and gives me a headache! Try not to concentrate on negative thoughts and when you find yourself doing so distract yourself - read a book, watch telly, do the washing up. This is very hard at first and takes a lot of effort but it's easier with practice.
I always follow a negative thought with a positive one ie if I berate yourself for getting up so late I tell myself well done for getting up at all feeling the way you do. I have done this so long now it's automatic and does make me feel better about myself.
Have a look at mindfulness which teaches you how to live in the present - there is lots of info online if you google it. x
I loved your post!! I believe in what you are saying and I thank you for sharing!! I would love to hear more if you would like to share sometime!! God bless!!
Thank you Bluu, this forum used to give me a lot of strenght! It is the best place on internet, really!
It's very very rough. I also suffer from anxiety and depression. It's the worse feeling ever. But the worse thing to do is stay in bed. You have to get yourself out. Just maybe for a walk. All the feelings and thoughts you have are normal part of depression. You just have to keep on telling yourself "This too shall pass". Those four words will keep you afloat. Please check out Douglas Bloch and BigNoKnow on youtube. I watch them every day to get through my rough days. Lmk how else I could help.
I actually read your comment in someone else’s thread and just going to try both of them. Thank you very much!!
I think it'll help you. The bignoknow guy has several health issues that he covers but mainly anxiety and depression. Douglas Bloch is a depression counselor. His stuff is mainly therapy. Just remember "this too shall pass". Nothing stays the same. Keep fighting!!!!!!
Thank you, Happy!
You are young. You have your whole life ahead of you. You can get through this. It's one step at a time. It's great that u have a Dr.
Have you tried exercise or yoga?
When I was feeling like you described those 2 things really helped me.
Im so sorry you are feeling this way. One day a time.
Unfortunately I’m wasting everyday of my life and together with it I add so many problems. I never act. I don’t do single thing.
It’s such a terrible thing to be 28 and just keep in bed... I know that’s not my will but dying seems actually as the best move. Such a mess in my head.
Well that's what depression does.
You are not alone though.
You are not wasting your life. You are taking a time out..lol
Im taking a time out too...lol
I cant beat myself up over it bc this too shall pass.
This is the only thing that keeps me here... I know it’s gonna pass. It’s horrible but maybe I’m gonna just wait through it. I didn’t imagine I’m gonna be in this spot again.
Our body and mind run out of charge. We need to give it time to rest and heal. And do things to recharge the energy. I also do yoga and meditation. Breathing exercises. Even a few minutes of shaking your arms or legs while on the bed can help. At this time, very hard to exercise or get out of bed. The body just won't want to move, So try very small movements. Try kicking your legs while you're on your bed, or shaking your arms. Lift your legs and arms. Maybe slowly you will have some energy to get up and walk a bit.
hi orageblossom,how can anybody,with a name like yours,ever feel lonely.theirs allways things to live for,do you know what stops me from commitment sueaside is my swirrells.
his is trou blossom,i don't have friends and all that stuff,but I do have my swirrells.i
feed them,they seem to know,when im down.you see what I meen,blossom,theirs so much
to do in this world,which dos not require other people.i wanted to do sueaside,but whos going to these things blossom.look round for these things that want doing and beforelongeyou will to busy for any thing else.its up to you blossom help this world,in any way,helping people,animal,and more,with you blossom no one will help.so blossom this
world is in your hands.by peekeneese.
Yes. Last year my dog kept me from killing myself. Now he has my parents to be with him. I really wish that today would be my last day. It’s horrible that it won’t be and that I will struggle more and more, go through more shame and humiliation and feel alone and wasted. I really wish it would all just stop. I really wish.
I really know how you feel and why you have these thoughts. I do too and many people do. But ask yourself this: what happens if you commit suicide and failed? My aunt has to live with two huge scars on her wrists and the pain. I had to suffer the effects of those painkillers slowly metabolising in my body and I didn't die. And another time the agony of other pills in my system. I didn't die! It was another evening of added agony because I attempted suicide. We don't get relief from suffering from suicide or thinking about death. And truth is it is extremely difficult to die by killing ourselves. The thoughts come automatically. Counter them with other thoughts. Or bring attention to your breath.
First of all, I want to send you a very special hug. You are a wonderful person and I wish I could take your pain away. It may seem like you have no hope but please stay strong, it will pass and you'll find yourself enjoying things again. Do you have a close friend or family that can take you out? Just getting out in the fresh air really does make you feel more energetic. If you want to talk, anytime, I'm here for you. You're not alone. xx 
I know how you feel, it’s not a good feeling at all. It gets better just hang in there and try to help yourself as much as you can x
Believe it, hurtful or not, what you are going through is what the devil wants you to see as a waste. A preacher told me that and he won't let my saints have anything to do with me since I have left the church five years ago. I have to live and fight the hurtful word he said to me, and keep myself encouraged.
Something to do is better than staying in bed. So, I suggest you go to a church where the believers will pray for you and have a powerful praise and worship service. God will take you through, even if you don't understand your life right now. Things will get better.
I have gone through so many depressing experiences, and I am still standing, in spi9te of the hard trials. I promise this to myself; I am not going to kill myself. That alone will fuel the desire to keep putting one foot in front of the other. And that makes me do something that I like to do for the passion of it; artistry, music, writing a book (pending), or whatever you have in your heart to do. Find your inspiration/motivation...today!!!
You see, unfortunately I no longer want anything at all. Thank you for your words. And I’m sorry for wasting them. I hope one day we will all see better.
my words will not be wasted. you will find a way to move past the dismal experience and someone, or something will motivate you to live. Until the next day, and the next...God put you here for a reason, and I am going to pray that you feel his reason before the devil destroys your mind.
Believe me, when I say, your mind is stronger than you know right now. For no other reason, fight this spirit for you...and your future. This depression comes and goes with people, and in between it all you will do great things with your life, which is why the devil is fighting you so hard.
Just please find the song you once loved to listen to and listen to it again...or go to that happy place in your heart that makes/made you so happy...meditate on it.
Dear Blossom. I've been where you are, and know how low one can get. Going outside takes too much energy as you have to shower, find clean clothes, etc..... But getting up and sitting on the bed for a while gets you upright. Progress!!!! The next step may be to go into another room and sit in a comfy chair. It's OK if you fall asleep. You've still made progress. Repeat these until you can sit in the chair for a while. Then, while in the chair, pick up a magazine, book, or turn on the TV. Try to get through a subject, chapter, show. Continue doing these steps until you are mostly occupied while in the chair. Then add your own step when you're ready.
These are baby steps. By only tackling a very small step at a time, I found I could eventually get out the door. I'd have times when sitting on the bed would take all the effort I had in me, but I tried to do at least that once a day.
I really hope this helps you take your first baby step.
Thank you
Nca, has your life improved since then? I need hope!
Yes, quite a bit. For two months, I didn't get any further than the chair. Then I stood with the front door open. Shortly there after, I was able to go to work, and help my clients. The depression didn't go away, and I had relapses, but each time, the baby steps helped pull me out of it. My husband gave me the idea! Now, with the addition of Abilify, I feel almost like a regular person.
There is hope. Always!
I’m very happy for you!!
Amazing that you work and that have family life.
I am retired now, but my family is amazingly supportive. This year with the fires in N California, I was totally overwhelmed. We had been in a motel for 6 weeks, and I couldn't go outside with all the smoke because of asthma. Then, we had no water for a week. The line broke, and all contractors were too busy with other jobs to get to us any sooner. I lost it, and was sent to a Behavorial Center for almost two weeks. They added to my meds, and I haven't had a real bad day since! So, there is help and hope!
Thank you sooooo soooo much!!! You’re an example to me. I really really need success stories.
I know that fires were terrible from news. Everybody was petrified of the sizes! I know how fire looks like from Portugal, it’s unstoppable force. Here in Poland we don’t really get much of sun... winter takes half of year and it’s usually very cloudy and grey. There’s also too much smog as people do not believe that heating with coal or trash is not good for anyone. Unfortunately the politicians are the biggest “environmental catastrophes” in here.
Thank you so very much with your words of hope.
I wish to have a family - kids and husband one day, although I’m not sure if I’m capable of such responsibilities...
Trying... one step at a time 
Congratulations ,on surviving what must have seemed like pure hell, and to have received more torture as a result of the situation being Unbearable,and to have got out of that inferno,and to announce literally that you came out on top,and helped you remain grounded is truly remarkable----well done,its a survival story indeed.IM aware of these tragic Fires in America via the BBCnews,yes im British and can only imagine the horror of your ordeal,so again I applaud you and hoping you are still on that positive note and lets face it im sure nothing like those 2weeks could ever compare---------life is hard ,and anxiety &depression very debilitating and soul destroying,but its something we each of us must deal with in our own way with the help of meds.
And, I am 76, and my depression an d PTSD started when I was kidnapped at 5. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 60. So even deep seated, long lasting depression is treatable!
Absolutely,im just behind you agewise!
Hey, I'm sorry you're experiencing so many awful things, especially all at once. Do know things can and will get better. I read below you're seeing a psychiatrist and that's great. You might mention how difficult life is for you and how it's causing you to feel the way you do. If you can, maybe get a counselor if possible to talk through the dark thoughts, stress, and thoughts of death. You may need different medications and it sounds like you can definitely use someone to talk to that's a professional with anything in your life that could be triggering these things.
I'm suffering in some of the same ways except for different reasons. If I'm able to sleep, I keep doing it because at least those aren't the moments when I feel so anxious. Other times the medications I'm on make me so tired, I can't stir to even get about the day. It is hard to find strength, but it's there. Try not to pile so much on yourself. Start with small steps. You can get back on the path, we're all there with you. Desperate to feel better and wanting to get back to functional status.
Because suicidal thoughts are serious, if you ever feel a suicidal urge or need help, please call the hotline. I think you're from Poland from what I saw, and if that's the case, here's what I found: Hotline: 52 70 000
Hotline: 52 70 988. If you aren't just Google your country and suicide hotline. There's so much more life to live, especially at 28. Today can be terrible and wonderful might just be a few hours away. I would let your psychiatrist, a counselor, and/or a good friend or family member know. You have plenty of support here, as well.
You're at a rock bottom of sorts, but the greatest part of that is there's only one place to go which is up. If you're willing, maybe try some guided meditations or yoga practices to get your endorphins (the feel good hormones) going and also a little peace. Start with 30 seconds or a minute...maybe get to five minutes? Work at the pace you can manage with and you'll build strength back. You've already taken an enormously brave (I'd also call it strong) step by telling your story. With some help and encouragement, there's no doubt you can make it a happier story. Show yourself some compassion, love, and kindness. You are worth these things and can obtain more of it. Look at all these comments. They sure aren't for just anyone. Once we kick the negative things out, the positive things don't leave much room for negative thoughts. Please be well and kind to yourself. Self-love is okay. Keep us updated. And, truly, if you need help quickly and seriously, make that phone call. Best wishes and take care for now, I'm sending all the positive vibes I can....it's tough but you can do this.
Thank you!
I know it’s temporary. The thoughts will go away in some time. We just need to be strong not to listen to them.
I’m in a very dark spot. I know that life has so much for me but I don’t really believe in it. I actually think for years now that me living means more struggle to me and to my parents plus the fast growing mountain of problems- like court cases, debts, appointments and meetings I never attend, growing anger of people I should work with or I used to be their friend. I don’t check my email or my mail, my phone is switched off 20 hours per day. I no longer am human being not to say a citizen. I know that the mountain will fall down at me. I’m not able to untangle my problems plus I have no energy to prevent from getting more. I see that stress that kills my parents with every letter addressed to me.
I should get back to work but I’m unable. And I fear that they will fire me anyway. I am not sure if work is actually something I should do. I thought of benefit of having reasons to wake up and being around people but it actually makes me worse. I can’t say no so I easily fall in cycle of abuse.
What I wish the most is to have boyfriend and children. Run a house. Do homework with my kids. Help them grow. And be with someone I love and who loves me.
Nothing of this will ever happen. Clock is ticking. I don’t have that much time to look for someone, build healthy partnerships and get kids.
I’m not sure that my life is actually worth preserving. I feel it would be better for so many people if I would end my life.
HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY? IT'S BEEN A WHILE, BUT I AM CONCERNED THAT ALL IS WELL.
I am mostly ok, better. I have my days, terrible suiciadal thoughts are not letting me go. Sometimes I do not wake up at all. But I am better. I should start coming here more often. Maybe it is the best option. I have things to share with all of you. And in fact, I miss the forum very much!
do you think this could be SAD.....and could also be suicidal ideation.....both are fairly common with many of us with depression. I know the SAD can be helped with a UV light I think....and the ideation is certainly scary..... but from what I understand....in therapy you can get help understanding this a bit more as well. I'm sorry your going through this, and it seems to be a lot lately are too...your not alone there....writing about it I think helps so I'm glad your sharing.....hang in there...eventually our sun and warm days will come back around.
I think its the therapy leaving me in the middle of my traumas being rediscovered... plus the unfortunate domino of problems, in my state of mind not solvable and only growing. I will try to hang there!
hi therapy will leave you feeling traumatic but the more you discuss it the less traumatic it will become.my old therapist said its the domino effect but rather than let the things fester in my head I bring them to the table sooner so I am not overloading my head with negativity.if today is your last day then tomorrow can be your first day.your first day of accepting who you are your first day of accepting depression/anxiety the first day of holding your head up high and smiling through adversity.
I know how you feel Orangeblossom. I decided a few years back to do what you are doing now- to face what Ive been through and to sit in therapy w all the emotions and feelings. Im proud of you for doing what you are doing. It is hard work & you are brave.
The truth is everyone is flawed and imperfect somehow but the smarter ones & the most couragious ones are the ones who get the help they need & in the end, lead a better life. It just takes time.
I welcome you to message me if youd like.
Im here if u need me❤
have you made your therapist aware of this, as it's their job to give you coping tools to work through this stuff that comes up in therapy.....
unfortunately they left me in the worst possible time. I was hoping that I will get extra two weeks with the group but I was singed off exactly after 12 weeks regardless my state. I really gotten worse, much much much worse at the therapy. Im back to the state I was in the psychiatric hospital last year. Its the same state of true major deppresive episode...
I'm very sorry your going through this as am glad at least you have this place to connect with others who understand the frustration of the therapy merry go round. With all the money wasted on shit in the government spending....one million dollar missile or 2 billion dollar bomber could fund a very under staffed and underfunded mental health system.
Sounds like how my son felt for years. Right around 19,20,21 for him. In college, working, etc. He quit everything to lay in bed. Not the same now but much better. I’m so sorry. That’s a terrible feeling. I would be happy to chat with you as to not go through my son’s whole story here. Please just hang in there though!! It’s a rough road but you can do it.
(((((((Blossom)))))))
Sending you huge hugs
You are such a source of hope and encouragement for people here. This is a wonderful quality and skill you have, did you know that? I can see so many amazing things for you in your future, and you will see them too at some point. I wouldn't be surprised if one day you went into a healing role like therapist, social worker, etc.
I told this to my daughter at one point and watched her follow through, and she has grown and changed so so much: "You can't go over it, you can't go under it, you've got to go THROUGH it".
When we carry baggage and need to process it, we have to go THROUGH it. Cry a river, shake and tremble, feel the pain, and only then we can release ourselves from it. She did this and more. Not my doing- it was all her. She had so much more courage and strength than she knew, and so do you.
I know you have lots of trauma to process and I KNOW you can get through that process! You can also start taking steps to get back into life. tomorrow, put one foot on the floor. In a few days, you can put 2 feet on the floor. A few days or so later, stand up. Tiny little steps forward sweet Blossom!
Orangeblossom we are here for you! Holding you up, hugging you tightly, just know that you are not alone 🤗
And what about the doc- you've seen the doc right? Forgive me for not remembering.... You've had the basic workup to look for underlying causes/contributors, yes? Sometimes there's something so easily correctible that is contributing to this. Plus the doc can figure out with you whether or not a med might be needed. So much help available Orangeblossom!
Hey there OB85. I wish there was something magical to say that might bring light to you but if I can just avoid saying something that is a useless cliché or that reflects lack of insight, then maybe you could find "something" in my words (something good, that is).
I won't pretend to understand what you're going through. Maybe I could get you to help me see it more clearly. What I can say is that I hate that you're struggling right now. This thing is beating you down and I wish I could stop that. Obviously, you don't know me but I really am a person on the outside of where you are right now who can see that you're not happy. I am not a stranger in that I have a similar situation to yours... a little bit like yours. Could you maybe help me to gain some degree of understanding. I wish you could be set free from all of this. If I never hear from you, please try like hell to keep your head up. Maybe I can't give you light but maybe I can give you warmth.
Its 11.15am. I just opened my eyes. And I’m not ready to wake up. If it wouldn’t be for my mum calling, I would sleep way longer. I’m devastated and I have no idea how to seek help to resolve my problems. The depression makes everything worse and my thinking is affected. The most awful is the battle in my head - constant comparison whether I should live or maybe it’s indeed better to die.
I have been sleeping like that for more than two years now, on and off. A few good days, then back to excessive sleeping. Suicidal thoughts on and off. Every time you choose not to die, there will be hope that it gets better. I am still alive and had a great day after 12noon today. Once the new med I'm taking kicks in, I will be back to thriving. You will too. Give your body the luxury of patience, rest, and love. Our body and brain are crying out for deep rest. Find small moments of reduced depression/brightness. And keep taking deep breaths. We are in this together, my friend.
Is it possible that you have treatment resistant depression? Medication usually does not work when you have this type. Have you thought about trying an alternative therapy? Such as Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) Therapy, perhaps you just need to be treated in a way that is not a traditional medicine.
It's totally normal to feel emotional & lost. Give yourself time. Thoughts are like a radio station. Some are happy and uplifting, some are hardcore thrasher. If you want to stop negative thoughts, you must learn how to change the channel. so Be your own emotional support, you don't have to rely on others to be validated, dear. Be the best version of yourself.
I live a very lonely life. 
I just want to stop the pain
I wish it would all just go away
Feel like I don't have the skills needed to live life
Frustrated with myself and self esteem shot so sad and wish my falling apart life would end 
