I really struggle to look after myself because I feel bad about being ok when there are so many people that arent ok. I am paralysed by guilt inside. I am aware the world is horrible and there are so many people that are suffering and it makes me feel sad and overwhelmed. I feel like a mess. I feel so bad for treating myself well..so SELFISH for taking that time. I feel like if I go to the gym or do something nice for myself I am ignoring others. I am aware what I need to do to be happy and I want to be happy but I feel guilty for having it while the world is so messy. I think it might be like something I heard called 'Survivor Guilt'. Apparently this is where a person survives a life threatening event and others die and they feel guilt for not dying too. Except with me I feel bad for any happiness I experience and any effort I put in to my self while others are suffering.
I feel guilty for feeling happy - Anxiety and Depre...
I feel guilty for feeling happy
I view it as i have to put myself first to have any possibility of helping anyone else. I put others first for a long time and it just leads to being burned out and depressed. I personally think that taking care of yourself is the least selfish thing you could do.
I know it may seem strange but actually being there for others and knowing I can be of help motivates me i.e. if I know someone else needs to go to the gym then I will feel better going with them or if I know someone needs me I will be there straight away. But to actually take specific time for myself feels bad to me. I always felt this way. Is this weird?
I don't think it's weird! Unless I am also weird... 
Maybe it is part of being an "empath." Usually I don't care for that sort of label, but I know myself to be an empath. Sounds like you might be one too.
Everyone wants you to be happy! If you are happy there is hope for everyone else! Please... please continue to take good care of yourself and enjoy your happiness! You deserve it!
Thank you, that is kind to say. Maybe I need to be told that. Its nice to feel people want me to be happy. I think people do but I just dont think about it enough really.
Definitely wish for your happiness. Seeing someone happy rubs off - just like the virus - it spreads . When you feel guilty for trying to take care of yourself try and see this flip side. Sometimes merely putting a pretend smile on your face can break a down mood.
Can u recall a time growing up that you felt constant guilt? Sometimes we bring unresolved feelings into adulthood. Understanding the "why" is very helpful.
Yes, I felt it constantly.
Ok that makes sense. Thank you for your honesty and being honest with yourself . Your honesty and insight will allow you to get through this. If you believe that the guilt is getting in the way of living your life then I suggest talking to someone. A good therapist can help you 100%. Try it. You have nothing to lose.
Yes, Ive had about 6 months of therapy and it did help. The fact I even consider being happy is an improvement. I couldnt imagine it before. I guess now Im trying to deal with the next layer and that is ALLOWING myself to be happy. They said in therapy that I did well but I cant go back until maybe a year or two because there are limited places.
I dont understand why you liked my comment that I felt guilt constantly 😞
Bc you are being honest. You are a strong person. It takes strength to admit one's struggles. Honesty is one of the keys to feeling better. Ive struggled w depression and anxiety and I turned to therapy for help. If I wasnt honest w what I was going through or insightful it would have been very hard for me to get the help I needed. We are warriors!💪
I like that you liked my comment then. Sorry, thinking about the past the past makes me feel sensitive thats all.
It's ok. I understand. Im not a therapist but I know what works for me & so all I can do to help is to suggest what works for me and maybe it'll work for you. First Id suggest trying for a new therapist if that is not possible I think tackling this like you would tackle a "self limiting belief" would be helpful. Do some research on it. Connecting with the inner child also helps bc it's the self limiting belief that the inner child holds on to. Is this making sense? I just want to make sure Im helping and not making things confusing.
I appreciate your kindness but to be honest, no I dont really understand about 'self limiting belief'
You're welcome. Research it. It'll make total sense.
Ok I researched it, yes its true I feel I dont deserve to be happy because they were the values of my parents, but what do I do with that information. Maybe Im expecting to just feel happier and really I need to 'fake it to make it' and in time I will feel at peace with being happy? 🤔
Recognizing the emotion and thoughts that are associated with the belief is half the battle. For example a self limiting belief of mine is Im not good enough. So when I have feelings and thoughts about this belief I recognize it and I calm myself down, comfort myself and be kind to myself and try to reframe it by telling myself how Im good enough. This is what helps me. Like I said I can only tell u what works for me. Try it. When you are in those emotions and thought process do the above and then see how you feel. There should be a release in stress with this exercise.
So for me is that
1. Recognising the belief I feel I dont deserve to be happy and where it comes from is from a neglectful childhood.
2. Calm myself and reframe it by treating myself to something nice like a cup of tea (I never drank soothing drinks all my life unless I am offered, talking about this helps me understand why now) and then say something like 'I am just as important as everyone else. I want others to be happy so why shouldnt I be happy too?!'
Is that what you mean?
I can explain this to you tomorrow. Im sorry I cant right now. PM me tomorrow. I dont have time right now
You can always just reply tomorrow if you want to. Or not at all if you dont have time. Theres never any pressure from me.
The link below that phil-4-13 has made to the video 'I am enough' is very interesting regarding the power of self talk in challenging limiting beliefs. I just wanted to let you know. I think you may well find it interesting. You have to go on youtube directly to find it as the link doesnt work (Its by London Real) but it is worth the effort. 🙂
Great! Im glad you found the right video. This is what I wanted to explain to you. If you continue to research it you will find more good info. Another part of it is consoling the inner child. To approach this with care; self compassion. Im good at doing this bc I learned through therapy. Thank you.
Do not feel guilt for being happy being happy is a good thing and your being very empathetic please be happy 😃
youtube.com/watch?v=xvgI60p...
Marisa Peer "I Am Enough"
I liked that video very much thank you. I liked the points that our words we speak to ourselves have power and we have a choice what we say to ourselves. It is very interesting. I want to get back to being a baby again when I didnt judge myself harshly for every little thing. 😂 I just want to be happy being me 🙂
I also thought the point that 'when we question something we dont believe it any more' was interesting too. Just by questionning if something is true, the negative way we see ourselves etc, we are doubting its truthulness. I love that alot! I think just by me making this post about me feeling unworthy of happiness shows Im putting this idea out there to be examined. I wouldnt have done this at one time. I think this shows progress.
I think we its good if we all keep posting how we think and feel if we are struggling with the view of questionning it and seeing if there is another way of examining it. If we keep doing this we are allowing ourselves the opportunity to create another reality in how we think and feel. That is my view 🙂
I'm glad you like it. She is right about the power of words and self talk! Even though I have never practiced the "I am enough" affirmation, I have experienced how self-talk can change an experience from enjoyable to horrible, and the reverse.Yes, that definitely shows progress! Yay! I think the tricky part is not to relive the negative experiences by talking about them. It is good to discuss the things we are currently struggling with, and get different points of view and advice, but like she said, talking over and over about the past keeps the wound open. For example a few months ago someone reopened a wound of mind from 20-plus years ago, just by talking about it. It's really been a struggle to let it close again.
There should be no guilt at all for feeling happy. If you are happy then you are in a good place to help others, that's a good place to be in. Doesn't it feel good to be able to support others. You should also look after number 1 first as it means you are in that position to help.
Be grateful for the Gift.
Cuddly-bear, I had been dealing with this for a long time. After several therapists tried to convince me, I finally bought into it.
First is the idea that if you don't take care of yourself then you can't take care of others. There is nothing wrong with wanting to help others. Go ahead. Even one hour helping or one bag of donations is great.
I have fostered injured and special needs dogs, collected free stuff on Facebook Marketplace cleaned and fixed it and got it to a women's shelter and a Veterans center and Habitat for Humanity new homeowners. I did not do it because of guilt. I did it because it is the right thing to do.
Second thing is that your life, your experiences, your gifts, your challenges are yours. If you want to share, go for it, but you cannot compare your life to others' lives. This was my big learning step recently. There will always be inequities.
Don't feel guilty or shame. If you want to help others, great. Pay it forward. Don't beat yourself up.
I don't know your history, skills, or talents. There ARE so many people that need help. You are right. You also can choose what you do about it. Pick ON yourself or help pick them UP. Some people never give them a second look. That puts you one step ahead of some priveledged people who choose to do nothing.
No fear. No regrets.
I know some other people typed some really great answers but mine is short - think about this: if you're not happy how can you make others happy? the thing is if you don't take care of yourself first then you'll never be able to care for others. someone told me this once, it's the airplane analogy: always put your oxygen mask on first before helping others. because if you're suffocating, how can you help someone else breathe? it's that simple that caring for yourself is a GOOD THING and nothing else can come if you don't do that first.
Great posts here. I hope they've made you better. I want to add one thing. Maybe I'm reading into it, but what I'm getting from your post in addition is that you have a significant amount of anxiety. Anxiety creeps into every part of our lives. I may be off the mark, but if I'm not working on deep breathing and meditation along with positive affirmations could be helpful. Those are always good anyway. I hope you can look at yourself objectively a bit more. You are a human being who is worthy of happiness. You'd tell, and probably have, someone else the same thing. Value yourself. Have gratitude for every happy, and for that matter, every non-suffering moment you experience. That energy helps those around us too. Just having the gratitude somehow humbles me and gives me a peaceful feeling. I've learned to really appreciate the moment. I guess that was more than one thing, but I tend to go on a bir. 😉
I understand this completely as I have suffered from depression and anxiety for over 30 years and have now been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder which was being masked by my alcohol consumption and has come to light since I stopped drinking. It's almost impossible to be happy or ALLOW yourself to be happy if like me you absolutely detest yourself. I am at the beginning of a therapy which is long-term (100weeks) and hoping that I can eventually learn to like myself at least a little but I understand how you feel about feeling constant guilt, it's soul destroying and I keep being told that I can't help others if I am broken,and I am. I know my problems stem from being adopted and growing up with parents who were living with unresolved grief.
I understand this!!😱💞💞💞I’m feeling this in regards my Grandpa right now he’s soo depressed and just wanting to give up barely wants to eat or drink water he’s always been such a happy healthy strong tough man so it’s very painful and hard to see him this way😔😢😣so I’m trying hard to be there for him to try and cheer him and not easy at all with the world way it is and being soo emotional but I hav to find a way to be ok and find some joy and healthiness! If everybody falls apart no one can help!! I feel you in this and it shows what a caring person you are with a very big heart!!!👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼❣️❣️❣️❣️
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