Panic Attack ruined my 2 month relationship

[ItsJustmehere]

Back in the end of January after being controlled for my major depressive disorder, anxiety disorder, panic attacks I had a traumatic brain injury which unbalanced everything. There are a lot of bad circumstances that happened just after including my best friend / ex walking out on me to overdose (when before I had never attempted to do anything like that before). I'm fast forward me trying to take control of everything again, going through intensive group therapy, graduating, and normalizing by March.

In the middle of March I meet a guy that I fall for hard and, he has a lot of attributes of other guys don't have, he's strong and I feel protected, but part of that strength is because unlike past boyfriends that were more emotional, he is more self-sufficient and logical.

We have our first two weeks great seeing each other every few days and then I find out that Duke University in North Carolina is interested in me for a position when we are currently in Maryland. He supports the job and I end up getting it, he supports me moving and helps me and I don't know how I could do it without him. Finally at the end of April I am located in North Carolina.

At the same time when at his house in MD while he is on a 48-hour shift at work as a firefighter, I find his,ex's intimate clothing in his headboard and we have our first 'fight' - and he agrees is bad and doesn't know why he had it.

I drive back to North Carolina and that's basically the start of us trying a long distance relationship which is hard when he's a firefighter and some days I can go without hearing from him at all and I don't know if it's because of work, if it's because he's upset, if it's because he's hurt, I don't know.

A week after all that, last weekend, he's able to get Saturday off work, it makes it possible for me to go to Maryland and visit him. I jumped at the chance but on my way to Maryland I'm rear-ended in a car accident. My head hurts a little bit and the EMTs want to take me to the hospital when I tell them about my prior brain injury and that less than a year ago I had spinal surgery but I have my dog with me and no one to take care of him so I sign a refusal.

I drive the rest of the way to Maryland and and get to see the man I've been missing. I want to be intimate cuz I have a high sex drive but he's too tired and that's not unusual for him so he pinky promises that tomorrow will be able to. The next day he works a volunteer firefighter shift and I take our dogs to the vet and when he finally comes home he runs errands and I go with him to spend time with him can we end up laying on the floor watching cartoons and I get sad that he doesn't try to initiate anything. He finally realizes what's up and go to the bed and we basically end up talking about communication and things are better we make love go to sleep.

The next day he has to be up like at 5 a.m. to go back to the Firehouse for another 48 hour shift and I sleep a while longer before packing up to drive back to North Carolina. My way back I drive over 3 hours and find out that in my wallet is in his truck and back in Maryland and basically will have to double my time on the road. I asked if I can rest for a couple minutes when I get there and at first it seems fine but for reasons I don't know (which later I'll find out to be understandable) I'm told that I'm not allowed on base (he works for the military).

After all the emotions of the car accident and feeling physically rejected and having to double the hours of driving because of having it to get the wallet, just finding out that I can't rest for those couple of minutes breaks me and sets off a horrible panic attack.

It ends up being a very long night of one of them should be driving and although I should have gotten back to North Carolina at 4 p.m. I don't reach home until past 2 a.m. with my poor dog in tow equally as exhausted.

The next day I find out that I couldn't come on base because the President's wife was at his work and everyone was on lockdown and he was lucky that he was able to run to the gate to give me my wallet but I was upset that during my panic attack he couldn't just send me a couple of words of support and ignore his message... which perpetuates the disagreement. We don't talk all week and now all he thinks about is how he can't deal with my mental issues when his ex ruined his quality of life with hers.

And it doesn't feel fair but life isn't fair and at this point I'm numb and because I'm 99% sure that he's going to end the relationship but he wants The Weekend to think and we'll talk on Monday.

There's been so many mitigating circumstances since I moved to North Carolina that is not my mental issues or the distance but that's what it is being chalked up to be.

When were in the same city we are amazing for each other. I'm also never good at being alone, especially in a brand new city where I literally have no one.

Even though I was not originally from Maryland I at least had a few friends I could turn to. All I've done is sleep the last 24 hours and I called off of my brand new amazing job because the stress was too much from this week

Right now I'm numb but I don't have any motivation to do anything except lay on the couch or lay in bed and my poor dog just lays depressed across the room because he's barely getting any attention and getting no exercise.

I'm in between health insurance and, I don't have anyone to help pull me up, I'm just a shell and I don't know how to get the help I need. many people are going to say fuck it if he doesn't understand and yeah maybe it'll end up being for the best but I really need someone to lean on right now while I transition in this new city.

I don't know what to do, I don't know how to get the energy to pull myself out of bed but I can't afford to lose my job. The part of me just wants to go back a month until when I was back in Maryland with an awesome roommate and a happy new relationship but there's no way for that to happen. I feel numb and cut deep at the same time and I'm trying to get my boyfriend who is scared that he's going to be hurt because of my mental issues to realize that every woman every relationship there's going to be mental issues to me at least and it's all about finding what you're willing to accept but when I have health care I'm good at taking care of myself and I always work to better myself and that's why I was in such a good place when he met me even though I had so much shit happen just two months before.

I would ask what do I do, but is there anything for me to even do?

[Hidden]

In my humble opinion I would just let go of the guy in Maryland, and use your new job and city to start over fresh. Leave what happened with him in the past and live in the present. Work getting acclimated to your job. Make new friends. Take time to heal and then try to date again.

[gerg]

You will probably lose everything you care for if you don’t take care of yourself first. You have so much on your plate and mental health issues make it even worse. I think that you have to take one or two things and work to get them in order, then the other things will follow close behind. You sound like a juggler with ten balls in the air, so concerned about dropping one that they all fall.

Give yourself a break and everything will sort itself out, it always does.

[ItsJustmehere in reply to gerg]

This morning I kind of just let go thinking about Nate (MD guy) and while I am still laying in bed, it's because it is raining and I'm just peacefully relaxing giving myself permission to not do anything.

Ironically, feeling at peace is making my head rationalize that if I focus on myself instead of focusing on the relationship, that I will feel more in control of my life here and have a healthier long distance relationship, saving both my sanity and things with him.

I know I have to stop giving away control of my happiness to men, it's unattractive, unhealthy and no one needs that extra pressure in their life. But this realization has come too late to save things with Nate most likely Because I'm sure he will realize how much easier his life is without the pressure I've been putting on it.

[gerg in reply to ItsJustmehere]

This is exactly how it is intended to work. I look at experiences with a new perspective. I see them as data that provides opportunity. I try not to judge them as good or bad, because I really don’t know, I just use the data to effect change.

My mantra is “right now, everything in my world is exactly as it is meant to be”. In your case the sky is the limit and it will all be because you needed to talk with me. I don’t mean that in some conceited way, you needed everything to happen to you to make you exactly who you are at this second.

This is acceptance. I see it as everything is connected. We need bad to have good, and we need these things at many different levels. This is what makes the human experience.

I had to learn this all during a very bad time in my life, I would not give up that time for anything.

I am very happy that you have come to the conclusions that you have. Let me know how things go for you and give your pup a pat on the head from me.

[ItsJustmehere]

I'm having the hardest time resisting the urge to reach out to him. I said I would give them till Monday it's just so hard when I see things that remind me of him and the fact that he's the only person from my old life that would actually have any chance of visiting me here in North Carolina. So when I see something that I think that he would like or that we would do together, I want to reach out and tell him about it since he was supposed to come up this week which most likely won't be happening under the present circumstances. I hate the back and forth in my head, even though I was able to get out of bed today and was actually at peace and not bothered for a few hours in the evening and came back where I just wanted somebody to share my life with and I just miss everyday banter because normally we joke a lot