I want it to stop

[gilded_masquerade]

I'm a 22 (almost 23) year old woman who suffers from anxiety + depression. What kind of anxiety? I have no idea. I was diagnosed when I was in grade 4 and it only heightened in my later adolescent years. I smoked pot, was abused sexually and physically, dated a narcissist, dealt with bullying, moved around a bit...I don't know, somewhere along the line my anxiety flared up and exploded. I stopped leaving my house for months leaving me trapped with my then narcissistic ex boyfriend (which we were living with my parents). That was a year ago, I am doing better now. I'm leaving when house more and I'm saying a genuinely nice guy but I still feel trapped I guess. I know it's stupid but I'm always obsessing over what's wrong with me, or rather what isn't. If I have a pain, I think the worst (heart-attack, stroke, etc.) and when I do go out it consumes my mind to the point that I make myself anxious, my brain literally doesn't stop. Despite getting better with exposing myself to my fears and talking myself down and such, I'm worried it's not enough, besides how to you expose yourself to death and illness? I hate annoying my loved ones with my fears (nearly everyday) and I miss not worrying this much, I literally always think worst case scenario about everything and it's just so draining. The other day my anxiety was so overwhelming I started crying, which is a first. I'm not on meds (nor do I wish to be) but I don't want this to consume me pen my life anymore, I don't know what more to do :/

Sorry this was lengthy, this is the first place I've found that doesn't charge for talking and it's giving me relief. But what do I do now?

[Hidden]

Can you explain what you mean by exspose yourself to death or illness? Do you mean coping with the eventuality of death and illness?

[gilded_masquerade in reply to Hidden]

I understand entirely that death or illness is inevitable but I don't know why it scares me so.

My younger and only brother is autistic so maybe that's where part of the fear comes in.

Or maybe it's because I'm still young and I hope that I can love a full life.

I've never lost anyone close to me nor have I been around death or any serious illness.

So I don't know where the fear began, all I know is that I'm tired of being scared of such things when in reality I'm a relatively healthy young individual.

[Hidden in reply to gilded_masquerade]

I don’t think it is so much a fear of death and illness as it is you have trouble coping with things you have no control over. It’s perfectly normal be uncomfortable with death and illness. Those two events are out of your control. You can’t say when death or illness will come in your life but you can control how you react to them.

[gilded_masquerade]

Yeah that sounds like me aha to a T, I just want to know how to react to those "worries" better or at least manage them better

[Hidden in reply to gilded_masquerade]

You need to rationally think through those worries and challenge your presumptions about them.

What is the worst thing that can happen if someone close to you dies?

What is the worst thing that could happen if you get seriously ill?

[gilded_masquerade in reply to Hidden]

You're right, thank you

[Mine564]

I totally feel you. I've been through the same things I'm 29 now and just recently experienced a manic month. Depression and anxiety can evolve over time. Sounds alittle like you might have some OCD. ( OCD under pressure makes for some crazy new phobias) ive recently been looking into on 1 therapy again. Since I recently swore I was going to get fired cuz my boss hated me. (All not true) Then one day I was running late and decided i couldn't go, and I didn't leave my house for 6 days. Ps don't just smoke any cannibis Sativas can be bad for those of us with anxiety. Personally wax makes me feel right at home, myself without the high well the happy high. 😁 look for flower high in CBD. Medication and or cannabis should never stop us from doing the hard part... finding the root of our hurt, pain. When i get anxious I always ask myself "what is the root of this problem?" Why do i feel this way. I was with a man that hurt me physically and emotionally. To this day i have issues with the men in my life ( i think they are always lying, cheating, etc) you are a strong, brave woman, that's bound for big and beautiful things. Dont ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

[gilded_masquerade in reply to Mine564]

Thank you 😊 and yeah I wouldn't doubt it aha, I find every time my anxiety starts to flare up all the health phobias start up too, it's so exhausting...I haven't smoked in about a year, last time I did I had such a bad attack it lasted 2 hours, my heart was pounding, I was certain I was having a heart attach in that moment. Mind you, at that time I wasn't reading up about anxiety let alone how to manage it. My current boyfriend (who is quite the advocate) is suggesting me possibly using the CBD oil if anything, but with my experiences I just don't want to have an episode like that (which I know probably won't happen but I'm still wary of it). I don't know, every time I feel like I'm getting control of it or getting better, it comes back and makes me feel like all my progress has gone down the drain. I will say in comparison to last year I am certainly doing better though.