The first step

[Meli1992]

I met my new psychologist yesterday, he was really nice. He agreed that my anxiety is severe and I'll need both medication and therapy to help me cope. He told me something interesting, he said that controlling my anxiety is not the way to cope. He said that all the years where I thought I had control of my anxiety isn't control at all. He told me that I should learn to accept that I can't control everything and that it is okay to have an panic attack and not to worry too much of what people think about my attacks. He wants me to surrender to my panic attacks and that scares me to death. I have such a strong fear of losing my control. I couldn't control my childhood and everything else in my life and surrendering to my anxiety is a strong fear I have. He told me that anxiety is an avoidance mechanism. He wants me to see him weekly. He said my anxiety is adaptable. At the moment it is incredibly hard to believe that I'll be me again... But I am desperate enough to try anything at this point. I understand it is the phobia and the anxiety telling me that I'll never make it out...but I hope with all my heart that I regain my strength. I want to have a happy ending, I'm in need of that. I have only known pain and suffering. I want peace in my life someday and be able to do the things I use to do.

While I do go out everyday to cope with my agoraphobia, im still extremely anxious, and I threw up my entire lunch yesterday. I'm hungry but when I eat I puke. I'm scared to eat now because I feel nauseous all the time. I am also getting alot of cold headaches.

I know i can be hard to deal with due to my self hopelessness but I hope you all understand that I am trying hard to recover. I am just sick of relapses. Which is why every time I think of giving up, I remember some of the stories on here of people who have had it worse and still made it through and I am using that as a motivation. I want to have that happy ending.

[Agora1]

Hi Meli, your psychologist is right on target. Follow his guidance, he is taking you on the right path to a happy ending. I promise. Acceptance is the key to not controlling but getting rid of anxiety and all the symptoms that comes with it. My anxiety was severe as well but with proper therapy and medication for a while, I was taught other ways to help me with acceptance. Through Meditation and Deep Breathing I was able to accept and surrender my fears.

I thought of my anxiety as this monster or bully who would come along and try to frighten me to the extreme. I certainly wouldn't allow that to happen to me physically in my life so why should I take the abuse this mind bully was throwing at me.

Don't question or doubt what you psychologist says. It may not make sense at times but down the road you will have an "aha" moment where everything will fall into place. When that happens for you (and it will) then you will know that you are nearing your "happy place" in life.

Love & Hugs to you. Stay positive, stay strong and Believe in yourself that you can do this. xx

[Meli1992 in reply to Agora1]

Thank you Agora the community here has given me more support than my friends and family. I feel like hugging all of you because I know some have been suffering for decades... It is sad that anxiety has prevented many people from being happy. Im glad you are here today to help us young people in our journey to recovery. I wish you nothing but happiness in your life Agora. You sure had your battles in life and I thank you for being my guidance.

[Agora1 in reply to Meli1992]

You are more than welcome Meli. 30 years worth because at that time there wasn't a forum like this. You are in good hands with this forum. We will all help support you in going forward. xx

[peacewmyself]

Acceptance is key. I constantly fought it and it just complicates everything. The best thing that happened was learning your true self & finding peace with that. You get to explore why you do the things you do & how to transform into your better self. I’m constantly learning new things & its better to accept it than fight it. I was a control freak & now I just take it day by day & I’m less stressed & not angry. It takes a lot of time & patience. The best is yet to come

[Meli1992 in reply to peacewmyself]

I am a control freak but only with myself. I push myself too hard. I took on 6 classes at my University while helping my sister raise her new born and managed to get a 3.9 gpa. I haven't taken Summers off school in more than 2 years. I cry for silly things, like getting a grade of 95% instead of 100%. I am a perfectionist. I was raised that way and it has been hard to pull myself out of it. As a kid my mom would beat me up and ground me until the next report card for getting Bs. My mother would tell me that I had to be perfect in everything because I had no reason to be anything less. If I was shown weakness, my parents would lose it. I cried in silent, I hurt in silent because I had no one to speak to. At a young age I believed I was the problem and so I had to fix myself. My mom and sister would break me every chance I had and I wasn't allowed to express my feelings. I was called every horrible name in the book. I would be locked in a closet in the dark whenever I did something that was viewed as bad behavior. I would escape in books. Reading saved my life through those dark times. Everyday a member of my family would beat me,my mom, my sister or my father. I was afraid of home and I couldn't do anything about it. My mom started to beat my sister and I since we were barely walking.

My sister and I have a stronger bond now. She regrets everything and had a period of depression and regrets. I can't blame my sister because she was raised that way. My mom use to tell her to hit me at a young age. There are so many things I have not told my other family members due to fear.

I come from a severely dysfunctional family. My mom has always lived for my dad. Whenever my dad would come home and beat me, my mom wouldn't do anything about it. I have had relationship problems because I don't trust people. I have lived my life shut off from the world.

The sad part of my story is that my mom doesn't understand my anxiety. In her mind we had an amazing childhood. She is a compulsive liar,and she believes in her lies to the point where it is convincing. My mom use to fake faint when I misbehaved and would tell me I was killing her and that someday I'll be the cause of her death because i disappoint her.

There are so many abuses that happened throughout my life that I won't be able to write it all here. I have forgiven and I will still die for my family but my anxiety has strong hold on me. It feels like it's part of my personality because I developed it when I was so young.

I'm sorry for writing some of my personal experiences. I know it is not a tasteful story. I just wanted to layout how my anxiety came to be this severe. I also understand that there are many on here that have most likely experienced far worse and I will never make my problems more important. Thank you for those who took the time to read all of this.

[lucabella in reply to Meli1992]

Your story is identical to mine.... Both my Mother and Sister are malignant narcissists. I can't even live in the country of my birth because of their cruelty and bullying. Forge a life for YOU. You have so much to be proud of against the odds. X

[Meli1992 in reply to lucabella]

I am so sorry to hear that. It is not a childhood I'll wish on anyone. Luckily my sister has become my best friend. She recognized the wrong she did. She was conditioned by my mom. In this whole mess, I blame my parents the most. I believe people should not have kids until they are mentally ready. A child takes priority above all else. The way you raise them is how they will act and make decisions when they are adults.

Child abuse or any kind of abuse, towards animals or people is something I hate most in this world. People taking advantage of the weak Is a horrible personality to have. It is important to show respect and freedom to every living thing. As of right now, both my parents are narcissistic, and compulsive liars. My sister and my brother has severe depression. Till this day my mom thinks all her kids have psychological problems because it's society's fault.

[Agora1 in reply to Meli1992]

Thank you Meli, for being open to sharing your life with us. I am so truly sorry. No one should ever be abused as you were. I'm glad that you and your sister have this stronger bond now. By sharing your experiences, it will open doors for you on the forum with others who have gone through the same. You are a strong person but even strong people need recognition and support. We are here for you Meli and we won't let you down. xx

[Starrlight]

Hi Meli! I read along and my heart goes out to you. I am glad you are on the right path to help beat anxiety. I too have been working on acceptance and trying to face not run from the panic. I’ve made much progress. Then I slid back a bit in areas but I am determined to make it through like you are.

[Meli1992 in reply to Starrlight]

We are in this together! You are not alone and I know how much it sucks to relapse. We have to learn to stay positive even in fear. I know for me it will be a long journey but I don't want to be stuck.

[Starrlight in reply to Meli1992]

Awesome Meli! Yes let’s do this together. We can talk about what we’ve learned and our triumphs and setbacks. It’s hard but worth it to expose ourselves to what we fear.

[Meli1992 in reply to Starrlight]

I just got home from Yoga class. It was Kundalini Yoga. It was my first time taking it and we did some exercises and alot of meditation. I was nervous in the beginning but as the class went on I started to calm down a bit. I think meditation helped me the most.

[Starrlight in reply to Meli1992]

Nice I am happy for you Meli!!!

[b1b1b1]

I have had similar experiences with a narcissicstic mother. I was not beaten, but suffered much emotional abuse from a young age. You can definitely improve, but it may take time and a good amount of therapy. Medication can also help. I do understand what you have been through and it takes a terrible toll. You have made a good start by beginning therapy. Stay with it and I know it will make a difference for you. My heart goes out to you.

[Meli1992 in reply to b1b1b1]

Emotional abuse is so tough to deal with. 2 years ago I was seeing a psychologist at my University and she told me that it is hard for child services to intervene when the child is only being emotionally abused. They look see for physical abuse. I think that is so damaging. There are so many people out there that need help. Sometimes emotional abuse can be more painful than physical abuse and leave more scars.

[Agora1 in reply to Meli1992]

I feel that way too...Physical scars will tend to heal in time but emotional ones stay forever. xx

[Marci123450]

I am going to follow you 🙂 looks like we are almost starting our journey together 💙

[Meli1992 in reply to Marci123450]

That is great to hear! I'll be taking my first yoga class tonight. I have been told that yoga helps a lot with anxiety.