New Here...

[ConcernedPartner84]

My fiancée has anxiety, and I am here to learn more about it so that I can understand what’s happening with her a little better and be a better, more supportive partner for her. While I am not clinically depressed or anxious, and have never sought treatment for such conditions, I have been feeling really awful about the way things have been going between the two of us lately, and I’m not sure whether it’s the result of me not fully grasping what she is going through and taking it the wrong way, or if I am overthinking to the brink of self-sabotage.

At any rate, my goal here is to learn and discover new ways that I can support her, because I feel like my understanding of this condition is very limited, and I care about her too much not to at least try to be a better partner. I’m not really sure how things work around here, so I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what happens next.

[CazO46]

Hi and welcome. I think it says a lot about you that you want to be able support rather than criticise your partner for a condition which is an individual battle but can affect so many others. Does she have any treatment ongoing at the moment? I think it is also important that you give yourself time to look after yourself and enjoy time out with friends or family otherwise it is likely you will find it more difficult to support her if you are worn out. I am sure you will get lots of support and advice if you keep in touch. Take care.

[ConcernedPartner84 in reply to CazO46]

I appreciate you saying that. I am really only doing this because I love her so much, and I wouldn’t ever want a misunderstanding about what she is going through to in any way damage the bond that we have. As for looking after myself, I do the best that I can...but currently I’m working graveyard seven nights a week to support the three of us (she also has a wonderful two year old daughter), and when I’m not at work, I’m either helping out with the kiddo or sleeping (which comes in spurts because of the odd schedule on which I’m operating). Coming here is as much about learning how to help her as it is about learning to help myself without taking away from what I do for my family, because I can’t just not do those things to take a “personal day” or something. It’s sort of a catch 22, but I’m working as hard as I possibly can to make it better in any way that I’m able.

[CazO46 in reply to ConcernedPartner84]

you are obviously a very caring and loving person who right now is holding it all together. It might be helpful to know the kind of difficulties your partner has and if she takes medication or therapy ? Please only talk about what you are comfortable with.

Are there other family or friends you can lean on to give you a little time for yourself? It's just my view but I think it's not selfish but compassionate to try and carve out a little time for yourself when you can so you don't loss who you are and the person your fiancé fell in love with. You have a very busy life that's why I wonder if there is a wider network of people who could support you as a family?

[ConcernedPartner84 in reply to CazO46]

Right now, it’s difficult for me to say. She is having some issues being touched, (which is especially tough when you have a two year old and don’t really have a choice in the matter), and she also sporadically becomes extremely depressed and feels like she is a failure as a mother and a partner (which is far from the truth, but a little reinforcement would go an incredibly long way)...but I think she is also just a bit overwhelmed by all of the things happening in her personal life between her family and her daughter’s father filing for custody from another state...there’s more than I should really discuss in those two topics alone, because it’s not really any of my business, and I want to respect her privacy as much as I possibly can. But I had to talk to somebody, because this is such a tough position to be in.

She mentioned that she was on a specific anti-anxiety medication for a while and felt really great while she was on it, but never mentioned the name. She has been trying to get in to see a doctor and get it prescribed to her again, but there’s just been so much happening lately in our lives that she has just been overwhelmed by all of it and hasn’t had the time to make it happen.

[CazO46]

It sounds like anyone in her ( and your) situation would be overwhelmed, it's a lot to deal with. I totally understand her feeling a failure as a mother and partner as I have also experienced that. For me it came from knowing I had always been a capable person, work, family, home but then out of nowhere I developed a long term health condition. Right now she might be blaming and judging herself for the things she thinks are going wrong. It might help her to remind her that we don't always have control and it's ok to let some things go. Reassuring her that you are a team and you are not going anywhere. Things sound really tough right now but nothing stays the same forever and life will become easier. I don't know if it's financially feasible for her but therapy might be a good option so she can understand her own thoughts and let off steam if that's what she needs. I have no medical training but I wonder if low self esteem is playing a part in not wanting to be touch, shitting herself from emotions , good and bad. I hope she can prioritise seeing her Dr or let you call to make an appointment as this might be a good start.

[CazO46]

Can I just say I have noticed my autocorrect spelling make a BIG mistake! It's is supposed to read ' SHUTTING herself off from emotions' sorry I should have read it over first !

[ConcernedPartner84 in reply to CazO46]

I kinda figured that wasn’t what you meant, but I certainly appreciate the clarification

Autocorrect screws me over on a regular basis, I understand completely.

Thanks for the useful advice though. I’m sure that it’s going to take more than one conversation to work through all of this, but I absolutely appreciate hearing these things from someone who has been through some of the same emotions themselves. My fiancée has a difficult time talking about that stuff with me, maybe because it’s embarrassing for her, or because she’s just not comfortable talking about it, so all this input is super helpful.

[CazO46 in reply to ConcernedPartner84]

Yes it will take a while but if you keep posting and chatting then hopefully you will get the support you need and in turn help her 😊

[ConcernedPartner84 in reply to CazO46]

I certainly hope so. This seems like a pretty decent start though, thank you so much.