My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 years now and I was just diagnosed with anxiety and depression. We both know that this is not going to be something thats easy to get through but sometimes it feels like he forgets, because I respond to things irrationally and lash out a bit and yell or raise my voice and he responds to my reaction and not what I'm saying at the time and he get mad because I do it, but i cant control it yet because I don't know that i reacted that way until after its happened. Then I feel bad and then it sits with me for a long time and I get inside my head about it. I just don't know what to do because it causes a lot of arguments between us over things that shouldn't be arguments. I just need some advice from anyone thats been through something similar, because I just don't know what to do to fix it.
Relationships : My boyfriend and I have... - Anxiety and Depre...
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Just because you have anxiety/depression it doesn't give you a free pass to take it out on your partner. I have issues, my partner has issues, but we have to work on ourselves and come together as a unit. We both help each other to become better versions of ourselves through support and love, but we cannot unleash unfairly on each other and just expect the other to take it because of our issues/past/whatever. I would suggest while you are working on yourself to come up with key words he can say so diffuse the situation and you have to agree that if he says it you calm down or walk away. You can't take back things that are said and you can't just make them not count because you were irrational at the time so you have to figure out something that works for you to diffuse the situation before it gets into an argument. My partner lets me know I'm being irrational (but softens the blow with I love yous and you're so beautiful lol) but it works for us, I usually know I'm being irrational but once you get started it's hard to snap back to reality so the little reminder from him (in a loving way) helps us not go down the path of a fight...maybe it can work for you too.
Hi! Thanks for sharing. I think that while depression doesn't give you a free pass to take out frustrations on your partner, I think that depression also leads you to act irrationally and it takes time to overcome and deal with this. Do not be too hard on yourself and feel too guilty. Yes, you need to work on yourself, but if he really loves you he will realize that this is a process and you will not change overnight. I don't think you are intentionally taking out your depression on your partner, but as someone who has depression, I often feel extremely irritable and overwhelmed. Sometimes I cannot be around people because I feel like I am going to take my feelings out on other people, and sometimes I do. But the people in my life love me and understand that I am working on myself. Sometimes if I feel overwhelmed or like I am going to lash out, I simply make an excuse to go into another room until I feel better. I also don't know if you feel this way as well, but often I am too hard on myself. When you say that you go over it in your head about it, I think this is what I do as well and then I paint myself as some sort of unforgivable villain. But we are not. We have problems and we are working on them. It is true that you can't go through your whole relationship like this, but maybe you can sit down and have a calm conversation with your partner about what you go through. I have been through a lot of relationships, and the number one thing I wish I had done is sit down and explain what I go through in my head. It definitely helps my family and friends understand why I sometimes act the way I do. I hope this helps. 
Whoah! You are going to need to cut some of this out.
You "fix it" by simply not doing it. You wouldn't treat your dog this way.
Can't put the excuse for your shouting and behavior on your recent diagnosis. What if that diagnosis is wrong? Or didn't exist? You sound as though there may be some other things going on with you.
Am used to people with anxiety losing it like this occasionally out of frustration, not depression.
You have been together for three years. How were you able to be a couple that long; you surely weren't acting this way all that time.
Saw you received some very, very good and supportive replies. Actually, they were excellent.
Who or what is more important to you? Your man of three years, or you thinking and rationalizing you have the excuse and "right" to cause such mayhem because "he forgets" you have depression or anxiety?
You never let him forget it. You must let go of it being the center of your life. What I am reading are anger and control issues.
Take a deep breath before this mayhem starts. You don't want to lose him because you choose not to control how you speak to him. He is not the enemy nor your nurse.
Take him with you to your next app't with your therapist and doctor so the both of you might understand what is really going on here, if anxiety and depression didn't exist.
I am married for years to a very good man who does not understand my issues, but he accepts them. I do everything possible to make certain he is never rolled into the mess of one of my difficult days. He is precious to me.
Go buy some cheap plastic baseball bats and wack the heck out of a sturdy tree a few times to release your anger. Recommend it often on this forum. AND your frustration is a combination of anger and fear.......Releases some of the built-up steam.
Wish you all the success in the world.....and I truly hope it will be together with your man.
Thank you! This was really eye opening for me. I do need to figure out a better way to deal with my frustrations instead of taking it out on him. I love him so much and I don't want to loose him. I know the majority of where my anger or frustrations come from are stemmed from some sort of fear and anxiety. I need to be in more control of them.
Or please decide where and how to take them or you'll explode! Have you bought those plastic baseball bats yet? I am dead serious. Wooden bats can splitter and hurt you but you can get a few wacks out of those plastic the bat which don't hurt you or the tree.......or buying some cheap chipped dishes or cups from thrift shops and throw them against the basement wall. Sweep up easily and a great way to improve your pitching! You can have a bit a Monty Python type of pleasure when you are letting off steam. Quit try to "control" anxiety and depression immediately; let them out with energy and shout an obscenity you would never do anywhere else with each pitch.
It is not always that easy to just stop doing it. I am glad you’ve shared this because I have gone through the same thing with my boyfriend. We also have been together for three years. It’s been a struggle everyday and yet he has stuck by my side. It’s hard though, you lose yourself in the moment when something happens that triggers your anxiety you lash out before you even realize you are doing it. I downloaded an app called Pacifica and it lets you journal what happened and helps you change your bought processes by going back over what you did/said and then rewriting what you should have done or said. It’s hard and I completely relate to your struggle. Stay strong, just try and step back for a minute when something happens that triggers you. I am so glad you shared I feel less alone now. ❤️
Thank you! i actually just downloaded that app today myself so we'll see how i do with it. <3
When you start to feel anxious and depressed. Not only does it make him acknowledge it, but it makes you acknowledge it, too. If you start seeing a pattern of you flipping out because of certain topics or certain things he does, you can start to work on how you cope with those issues. As mentioned, not the best to lash out too often - for your sake and for his.
Im still in the beginning stages of everything and trying to discover what my triggers are so that if I feel it happening I can catch myself and use coping mechanisms to help me stay calm and not lash out
Hello SSM95,
I agree with much of the advice given here already with some reservations.
First, I think I understand how distressing it must feel to not be able to control your behavior yet, to know you are hurting someone you care for -- it's not an excuse, but, rather, an explanation. And your awareness of your behavior is a great start! I agree with applesforever that you are not the villain of this story. And neither is your boyfriend.
So, here's where things get tricky. While I also agree that the people who love you will give you the time and space to work through your problems, they also need to set appropriate boundaries, which means not allowing themselves to be treated poorly. This is not a reflection on you as a person, but something they need to do for their own personal health and well-being.
You absolutely should sit down and talk to your boyfriend. But, in addition to explaining to him what is going on in your head and how you are feeling, ask him what is going on his head. Ask him how your behavior makes him feel; ask him if it's something he can tolerate while you work at getting better. The understanding must flow both ways for healing to begin. Individual therapy and couples counseling would help immensely in that process.
I decided to add my voice to this thread to offer the perspective of someone who has been on the receiving end of this kind of thing, a sort of cautionary tale:
You see, my wife has mental health issues, as well, that cause her to lose control of her behavior and act out in ways similar to what you described. I stuck by her for eleven years, while she worked on her problems with varying degrees of success because I love her and I care for her. Her problems are deep-rooted and tough to weed out. How could I abandon her when she is trying (still trying!) to get better? It's a no-brainer: I'm her spouse. But what I didn't realize, then, was how her behavior was slowly eroding the regard we had for one another. And the erosion soon gave way to disrespect, and (at the risk of sounding like Yoda) disrespect was breeding contempt. It may not seem dire at first, but those sorts of feelings just fester over time.
I say these things not to be critical, judgmental, or upsetting, but because I can see you are vexed and you want your relationship to flourish. Your relationship is still young; things can get better!
My wife and I have now been separated more than six months with no happy ending in sight. There's a part of me that still loves her, dearly -- and she loves me -- which is why our separation is amicable. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is the most loving.
I hope with all my heart your outcome will be better. Good luck to you both.
Oh, get the plastic bats and wack a few in this early part of your recovery. More fun.
I appreciate hearing the other persons point of view so much, because that's sometimes hard to do. So thank you for sharing that with me.
You hit my heart's worse fear. I was a vibrant, successful and some say beautiful litigator when a truck hit me. After I was able to live on my own, I knew I would never marry again as no one would be able to handle my bad days, when I just need to do nothing. And those nightmares. so for nearly 2 decades, while there some very nice gentlemen to attend movies and dinner, I always said I would not marry. They sometimes would try to change my mind, but they didn't know why I was certain a marriage would fail.
Until I met my husband late in life. He says I'm cracked, but not broken. He doesn't understand my issues, but he says he has accepted them. Goes often with me to my pain management doctor and neuropsychiatrist monthly 15 minutes check up so he has some insight.
But I was never a "yeller"....no one in my extended family was. And I am not violent.....no one is in my extended family. Perhaps I have an imprint from my childhood that prevents that. But when I am upset I walk as fast as my slight limp allows or long as I can before my pain gets too bad. Heavens help me if anyone is blocking my way on the sidewalk...I just say "on a mission" as I knock them down or go around them. Am appreciative I live in a warm climate.
I'm very sorry, HearYou, Of course, it's a complicated issue and every relationship is different. That's why it's so important for couples to talk about these things, establish boundaries and such. It sounds like you have a supportive partner and that is a blessing. I feel lucky to maintain a friendship with my wife -- we still support one another the best we can; we just can't live together.
Friendship is harder to find than love, physical attraction, or just about anything else in the world. Know couples who are together but lead separate lives, or definitely not friends who can count on the other t cover their back. Do not be sorry for me; love this man, he is my friend and we have covered one another 's backs when needed....and I even let him sleep peacefully when I can feel I am going to have a nightmare night...go to a smaller bedroom to read before I sleep and the nightmares start........and he takes me on a cruise every month.
These are actually "working" cruises as we need to "entertain" our clientele.........only so many times one can visit the same posts every cruise for the season....and I'd stay home if I wanted to be hot.....everyone is cruising the Caribbean this time of year.
You're quite right -- friendships are so hard to find, but are a real treasure. It's funny in a sad kind of way that the closest I have to a deep friendship right now is my estranged wife.
Life takes us to people and feelings that turn into trust....and bamm, removes the ability to "just hang" comfortably with those people. Really believe if one had three friendships like yours, they would be lucky and rare. Over time, we do have one or two , but events and changes and whatever, one by one they are no longer there, and the hope one will meet one or two more somehow.....but older we get, the less chance that happens....life...
Mr. Monk, are you a class action attorney in California,,,,,,,,,don't have to answer, if you humor me and want privacy, , just PM me,,,,,,,,,
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