The earliest memory I have of these feelings is at age 12, but my psychiatrist believes I have been suffering from depression, anxiety, or both since the age of 8,9, or 10. I have only recently saught out help so I still am not that familiar with my illness or what it does to my brain. I didn't even know that I was depressed until around 18 years old, although I have been self-harming since 13.
For me, one of the hardest things to cope with is the lack of understanding and compassion that some people have. Since I have only recently started being vocal about my illnesses (within the past 2 years) I haven't come across too many non-believers, except for one... My boyfriend.
I cannot tell you how many arguments we have that end in me screaming through tears, "just leave me alone." I know isolation is the last thing I need but I would rather make myself worse than listen to the ongoing,
"what are you so sad about all the time?"
"you don't have anything to be stressed out about,"
"why don't you ever want to go anywhere?"
"all you have to do is just change; it's not that hard."
Those are just a few of my favorites.
Sometimes a depressive episode can be triggered by an argument and all hell is loose when that happens.
I have him yelling at me for something like not doing chores the past few days and then anxiety doesn't let me think clearly enough to stay calm which makes me angry and selfish or I begin to sob (or all 3!) which irritates him which make me feel worse and here you have a vicious cycle...
And no matter what approach I try to take he just will not understand that my brain is not like his, it doesn't function the way it's supposed to. Just this morning I was trying to explain my lack of motivation and he tells me that no one wants to do chores or work but you just have to so you do it. So then I tried the angle of 'you can't know how it feels to me' to which he replied yea he does because everyone feels the same emotions. He thinks they vary slightly from person to person but there is no substantial difference between my lack of motivation and him not wanting to wash the dishes.
I attemtped suicide about a week ago and he sat in the room with me when the on-call psychiatrist varified for me that my brain is in fact different and causes me to behave differently... But I guess she doesn't know what she's talking about.
I just really needed to get that out there. I'm struggling with my relationship and quite honestly part of me feels that it is doing more harm than good.
If this wasn't too long and someone made it to the end, thank you for your lended ears (or eyes, rather). What do you do when you face someone very dear to you who will not even try to understand?